FB just suggested that I follow my ex-husband’s high school, skanky, ex-stripper girlfriend.
I wonder if she gets the same suggestion. LoL. That’s hysterical.
I guess I can relax a touch about Skynet taking over the world just yet.
I was driving on Highway 80 from Tahoe down to the bay area last night. It was still light out but it was fading. But enough light so that I could see out of the corner of my eye the GIANT spider walking across my visor. ARGH!!!!!
It took ALL of my inner strength to not scream and veer my car off the road. OK…I did scream actually. More like a loud EEK! I was in the area on 80 that has no exits or turn offs. There is a shoulder but since it was getting dark I really didn’t want to pull off on the shoulder and get out of my car and jump around screaming…and then get hit my a passing truck and that’s how Darwin Award emails get started…..
So I just kept my eye on the spider and kept looking for the next exit. I got over into the slow lane and as the spider started crawling off my visor and onto my driver’s side window, therefore getting closer to my head, I seriously wanted to just cry. I HATE bugs. HATE. I understand their place in the ecosystem and I don’t go out of my way to kill them, and always remove them from the house alive. All I ask of them is that they stay outside. OUTside from wherever I am. I guess this guy did not get that memo.
Finally I see the exit sign. Then I lose sight of the spider. NOOOOOOOO! I pull off and there is a turnout right at the bottom of the exit – YES! I pulled off and start looking for him. Then I see him. I slowly open my door so he doesn’t just blow or fall off onto me after all this. Then I get a napkin and SWOOSH! OK, he’s off my door. But wait – where is he? Is he on the napkin?! ARGH! I drop it and I see him run off the napkin and run (crawl? scamper?) off. Whew. I’m safe.
I close my car door and look over to my right. I see 2 guys filming ( I guess the sunset) and looking at me. They wave and smile. Yeah, thanks guys. You saw a lady in distress and didn’t come save me. Whatever. Didn’t need you. I drove off much more relaxed.
This morning I was on the living room floor skooshing Storm on his bed. I see a giant spider run across the floor. Looking like the exact. same. spider. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
This is why I like the winter/snow. No bugs.
Today started nicely enough. Woke up early, took Storm and Shadow out TOGETHER. First time ever for me to do myself. Fed them (separately of course.) Checked the market, answered some work email, took Shadow on a good, long hike to tire him out. Nothing crazy. Then…
As I was packing husband called and said the contractors called him to let him know that the power company came out to shut the power off at the new house where a *gajillion* contractors are working to finish the house. They told the guy to go away and come back later and they called husband who called me to yell at me that the former owner had sent me an email telling me this would happen and why didn’t I handle it. Huh? I said I never received such an email. He responded yes I did. No – no I didn’t. I instantly knew the guy had sent it to husband only and not me and husband assumed I was cced on it without looking or asking me. He called back to tell me this is what happened after looking through his email and could I please call the power, water and gas companies to fix it as they were all set to be shut off today if not re-assisgned to us. No sorry I yelled or assumed you were an idiot. OK. Whatever.
I called them all. Got it all switched over. Even after the power company said there was no way it would happen today without a signed application brought in or mailed. I explained that was not how this was going to go. Got a supervisor. All fine. OK, crisis averted. Move the day along.
Then, I wanted to start getting the car loaded for the drive to Tahoe. Shadow was sleeping in the entryway. I said come on, “let’s go” all happy-like. Luckily I had opened the front door before I did this. He charged me and bared his teeth. I backed up fast put up my knee to prevent any jumping at me and his tooth got my leg but it doesn’t hurt although he did break the skin. I was far more worried about Storm who came to the stairs to see what was happening and started to come down. Instantly I envisioned Storm getting attacked as Shadow turned around (as Storm was ah-rooing) and I yelled NO. He turned and started coming back towards me and again I said NO but to him. He laid down but I was a bit freaked out. I had Storm at the top of the stairs and me outside. I called husband who told me to start my car and pull away and that Shadow would come out to follow. I did and he only came out after I backed back into the driveway. He started coming outside so I opened the tailgate and he jumped in. I slammed it shut and left the windows open with the A/C blasting for him. Got the car loaded and Storm in the back seat and off we went.
THEN, I got pulled over by a CHP for speeding. I was speeding. I didn’t argue with him. But he was probably the nicest (and funniest) cop I’ve ever met. He approached the car and asked if I knew why I was being pulled over? I innocently said no. He said he clocked me at 81 in a 65. Hmm. Probably I thought. My car is very fast with no effort at all. He then said had he known he was pulling over such a pretty girl, he wouldn’t have. Aww. I see wjat he was doing – he disarms you so that your anger/frustration goes away/gets less. Smart. Then he went on saying how he was so sorry to pull over a basically law-abiding citizens. He said I’m sure you will get this ticket and pay it and move on, even probably not to try and speed for awhile (I laughed.) He said but later on tonight he will pull over a yahoo who won’t pay his ticket, will have a warrant issued, get arrested and spend a couple nights in jail costing the taxpayers money. He went on to say that the ticket money that I send won’t go to the police but be spent on some governement waste as usual.
Then he added how he hated this system but it was his job to write tickets all day no matter what so he would write me up for 79 instead if 81 which changes the ticket amount level. He apologized for having to write the ticket and said I could contest it if I wanted. Wha? Then after he gave me the ticket he said it was very dangerous on the road so he will clear the traffic so I could get out into it. OK….
Was quite funny. I never contest speeding tickets. I speed every time I am on the freeway. Never on city streets or residential – ever. But the freeway? Unless it’s raining/snowing – I am speeding. Have you ever tried going the speed limit on the freeway? It’s like you are driving 20 mph. So when I do get a ticket (about 1 every 2-3 years), I view it as my offering to the highway gods. But he was pretty darn funny and did take away any annoyance I probably would have felt. Excellent skills he had.
To pile onto the day, ZNGA reported their crap earnings and my position took a good digger after hours. Should be a fun morning when i check my account. I have basically written off that position, leaving it in my account to hopefully be worth something some day. But still. Jackasses. Grrrr.
I got to the house and the mountain air IS glorious. The house is a complete mess. When I mention it to husband he looked at me and said “really?” Sigh….Oh, and then he added that the realtor called with a viewing tomorrow at 4pm. So apparently I get to clean tomorrow AM. Yay! In between all the work I brought up with me. Double-yay!
Then just for a chuckle, husband says (after we were discussing a news story) “the whole reason I married you is because you’re the only girl I’ve ever met who isn’t completely crazy.” Hmm. Well, that’s probably a good damn thing or you would be dead by now.
Sigh. I am not in a bad mood at all (strangely?) but some relaxing is in order so I just opened a bottle of wine and poured myself a glass. Tonight shall be mine. Now, what’s on my DVR…
http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/43860706-d0e3-11e1-8957-00144feabdc0.html#ixzz21CAv0YGt
….”have we found out how many Jedi Knights there are in England and Wales?
We don’t yet know. Almost 400,000 people stated that their religion was “Jedi” in the 2001 census, making belief in The Force the fourth most popular religion. I have no idea whether Jedism is an evangelical religion or not. If it is, that number might well have risen.
It all seems rather confusing to me.
That’s just an old Jedi mind trick.”
That is pretty darn funny if you ask me. I hope the 2011 census shows even more! :)
The best parody ever!! I saw a little of this while at SDCC last week but never saw the entire thing. A friend just posted it on FB and reminded me of its awesomeness!
I also posted the original below so you can compare (yes that is the Biebs) :) Also…now I want to sit down and watch all 6 movies again!!!!
OG:
What makes even funnier (for me anyway) is that this song followed me everywhere while at Comic Con! In the hotel elevators, in the hotel gift shop (where the shop girls grabbed me and we all danced to it all arond the store while people stopped and watched us which made it pretty damn funny! And fun!), in the places we ate. I could not escape the song. And I think I had heard it a total of 1 time before going to Comic Con. So the fact that it now has a Star Wars parody ensures a special place in my SDCC memories :)
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?’
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond h er ability to pay?’
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, ‘Uh… no, I didn’t know that.’
‘Secondly,’ says the lawyer, ‘ did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
‘Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?’
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, ‘I’m so sorry, I had no idea.’
And the lawyer says, ‘So… if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?
:)
p.s. for once, I agree with the lawyer….
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?’
‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
“Stay the Hell away from Mommy when she’s been drinking.”
Was emailed this in a joke list and yet…not entirely funny so much as pathetic….
Pythagorean Theorem………………………………………………………24 words.
The Lord’s Prayer……………………………………………………………..66 words.
Archimedes’ Principle……………………………………………………….67 words.
Ten Commandments……………………………………………………….179 words.
Gettysburg Address………………………………………………………..286 words.
Declaration of Independence………………………………………..1,300 words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments………………………..7,818 words.
US Government regulations on the selling of cabbage……26,911 words.
Sort of puts things into proper perspective…
