a99kitten's Musings

I blog about a WHOLE LOT of stuff :)

Took Indy to the park today to check out the snow and terrain. Have not been there in the past couple of weeks with the new snow. Is always a challenge in early season – do you need snowshoes, is it hot and smushy, how muddy, etc etc.

Had a fun walk. It’s been cold since it dumped snow so thankfully not smushy or muddy. Mostly stayed on trail so no snow shoes were needed as packed down. Let Indy pick our route and had fun. Thankfully, at this time of year the sun is low so mostly shady and not hot.

Just about to the parking lot to go back home…and it hit me…this was my first trip back in the snow here without Smokey. Smokey LOVED the park in the winter. We went all the time. As soon as my brain clicked to it, I started to cry. Not like get sad and mopey and then tear up, but just instantly boom – tears. So weird. But Smokey loved the park so much. And I never really took the buds there in the winter so it was definitely a Smokey spot.

Indy loved it. And we will go back all the time.

But it’s still hard.

This week marked Indy’s 3-month adoption anniversary.

It’s weird because sometimes it feels like it was just last week and other times it feels like it’s been forever. He definitely seems to be settling in. And he appears to love his routine. He has lost a little of the craziness (as much as a husky can!) and is happy. Although I am def exhausted.

And I am happy too. He is a complete sweetheart who loves to have fun. But then also chills when I need him to for the most part.

On Halloween, as I took his cute pictures, I did get very sad. Remembering that just last Halloween I did this with Smokey. And today, taking Indy on a fun hike at Glacier – remembering my last hike there with Smokey was just over a week before he left us. It makes me sad still. Smokey was my best friend. I think the guilt, for lack of a better word, of having fun doing the same things hits me at different times.

But Indy is a love. And deserves nothing but the fun and hopefully awesome life I can provide him.

Window cleaners were here today. With Smokey, I’d keep him next to me. And always an eye on him as he kept on eye on them.

Indy…he sniffed them, their ladders, got pets and then laid down the entire time they were here.

Smokey was my guardian. Watched anyone who came in the house. Around the house. Bears. Coyotes. Humans.

Indy…well…not so much. Indy is a complete sweetheart. And loves everyone it seems. Smokey was too..but was also my guardian which came first. Angleus was as well. Stormy…well…not so much lol.

Not going to lie. I do miss that feeling. Of a guardian always by my side. Guess that’s what a gun or 2 is for.

Indy is such a sweet heart. A total love. But he is a 2 year old husky puppy. And I worry that I cannot give him all of the exercise time he needs. I was 20 years younger the last time I had a 2 year old husky. Although when I think back to everything I did, does not seem all that different than now. Other than the buds got to hang out at the office with people all day versus us being at home. But Indy gets tons of humans and dog socializing on a daily basis.

I thought we were figuring it out. We were o a good routine with walks, play, naps, etc. But today, after a 2+ hour hike through the forest, and an hour of dog play at the beach (like…constant full-speed running), plus following me around as I did stuff at home and playing with his toys and bones, he is still not tired. Still wants more. I can do that some days, but every day? No. Honestly. I’m sore!

We’ve been doing about 75-90 mins in the AM, a pee-pee walk around 11-12. A walk in the afternoon which is either a beach play session or an hour hike and then a 20 minute wrestle session with our neighbor’s husky (who *is* fairly lazy!) And a final pee-pee before sleepies walk. But I feel he needs even more. He is young.

So now I feel guilty. But right now, tonight, I am sore. And exhausted. I felt like I did so much extra today and was feeling pretty good to be honest. But then he was pacing, and staring at me. And wanted more. So I feel like I failed. And I know I need to wake up tomorrow and do the same thing again.

I know he is generally happy. He is a such a sweet guy. But could he be happier? Better off? Always thought of myself as an excellent dog mom. But I am not in my 20s anymore. Pretty sure I’m being overly dramatic, and he is living a good life. But I just want to make sure he gets enough exercise…without killing me lol.

Has been cloudy and windy and cold all day. In June. Smokey would have loved it. Normally I would have too.

When you tell yourself that you can move forward.

And you can make a life better. But you are not quite ready.

And you stay busy. And active. And try not to be sad.

But then you remember your best friend is gone.

And another best friend lied to your face. More than once. But oh well – oops. And now cannot even confront you. Does not even care enough to deal with it. OK…

So what does that mean for next week. Next month. Next year. No clue really.

My brain is so tired.

Smokey left me on the same day as my brother.

Stormy left me on the same day as my divorce, birthday and R’s bday.

Angelus left me on my wedding anniversary.

Seriously…what the fuck?

Decided to be a lazy good for nothing loser today. I literally only changed from my pajamas after my shower to a different pair of pajamas.

Woke up tired. And never left that state. I’d like to blame daylight savings (which I hate with the heat of a thousand suns) but pretty sure it was just energy-sucking sadness. Sadness makes you tired in a way that can’t be slept off. Or binged-TV off. Or exercised off. You are just tired.

It was snowing when I woke up. And snowed for like 2 hours while I watched it. Just super light flurries, but it was snow. And I so love it. I do not winter to end. But also am so sad at winter.

Went to dinner last night and it was fine until the inevitable subject of loss came up. And I kept it together for the most part. And tried to play the part of listener. Came home tired. But still turned the TV on, lit my candle, drank glasses of water and gave myself 20 or so minutes before bed. Because that was our routine. Well…minus the candle.

Did zero exercise today (which I felt like a day off was needed anyway even though my brain hates my fucking watch rings.) Bailed on a dinner invitation.

At dinner last night, someone said something about when you tell people you are OK after a very obvious sad event, when you are not. And I said don’t. Just say “I’m not OK. I feel pretty shitty.” If they can’t handle that communication, that’s fine. But you should not have to lie or pretend if these people are your friends. So that’s why I bailed on dinner.

Instead I played my games, listed some toys for sale, watched Young Guns, did laundry, just watched the new episode of The Dropout and now am starting tonight’s The Walking Dead.

Still as tired as when I woke up.

I’ve come home from my afternoon walk and shoveled the back deck for 2 days now – Monday and Tuesday. I cleared from the sliding glass door to the front of the BBQ, and a path to the stairs and railing. Like I would for Smokey. But not as much as I would for him, but started. Plus cleared about 1 foot off the giant pile that was his.

It’s been the first time I’ve gone out there since he left me.

I got very sad yesterday after doing it so decided not to do it today. I decided that already on my walk. But I still looked out there tonight.

Then I saw them. The paw prints. In the newly-shoveled, topped-off snow pile. So I went out there. The snow was soft, so I know they were new. I touched the snow – yep. Soft. But paw prints all around. I looked at the pile of snow on the stairs and see them there too.

I know they are not Smokey’s. I don’t live in a fantasy world. I would imagine a coyote. Although that seems odd since that has never, ever happened and they are so skittish. But with Smokey gone, and a snow pile highway right up to the deck, maybe they smelled a buried treat and felt brazen enough? Smokey loved to bury his treats so I am sure there is at least 1 out there.

I know they are not Smokey’s. But I am not going to lie and say that when I first saw them, I didn’t look around for that milisecond before my analytical brain kicked in.

Or maybe they were Smokey’s…

Not gonna lie, last night and today – I didn’t get out of my pajamas. I was sad. I wanted to try for a walk this AM and pulled my clothes out. And then said no. I cried last night. I cried this morning. Weekends just suck. I do not have the routine of my “work” week. So then it highlights the loss of my real routine for the last 8 years.

My neighbors invited me for dinner so I geared myself and told myself I had to go. So mid afternoon, I did some work on projects for about 2 hours and took a shower and finally put on outside pants.

Dinner was nice. We chatted, ate yummy food, drank bubbly. I keep trying to convince everyone I know that we need a compound. I feel if I push this enough, someone will agree with me lol.

But I also got to skoosh 3 buddies. This makes me sad and happy at the same time. I want to cry, but smile at the same time.

All that lives must die, passing through nature to eternity (says Shakespeare).

It’s not easy to remember that. Or be OK with that. But it just is.

This time 8 years ago, I was driving around the Sacramento Valley area meeting huskies/mals to consider adopting. My first visit was with a “husky-mix” named Smokey. He was at a foster home in Woodland with several other dogs. We walked in and sat on the sofa with the foster mom and he immediately jumped up on the sofa to sit down too – to be part of the conversation. He was super sweet and while the other dogs were running around and going in and out completely ignoring us – he stayed there calmly with us.

Honestly, I wanted to adopt him right there but told myself go and meet the others who were set up to meet me today. Don’t just jump on the first adoption because he is sweet – they will likely all be sweet and this is an important decision. Went and met 3 other dogs – all super cute and in need of adoption. But I kept thinking about Smokey. We had not eaten all day so decided to grab some food around 5pm. Rodrigo asked me – would I be sad going home without Smokey or without a dog? I said Smokey – without even thinking twice. That was it. Called the head of the rescue org who organized all these meets and told her. We went back to Smokey’s foster home and adopted him. I never, ever doubted it. And smiled every day since then.

Plenty of people have called and left me messages, sent me texts, sent me DMs via all my various social media asking what happened, how was I doing, etc. I have answered very few. But to respond to everyone at once best I can – Smokey was doing great. He got past his liver scare in October, was back to his normal self. His blood work was perfect – the vet was actually shocked how well he was doing at his age (he was a big dog turning 14 or 15 this spring) after such a scare. She called him a super hero and said she tells everyone about him.

We went for a walk just like normal on Saturday AM. He asked for his walk treats just like normal. Was hanging out post-walk just like normal. And then he had a seizure type event. He could not stand, he could not get up. We spent the day at the vet testing and discussing all possibilities and options. Brought him home Saturday evening thinking he’d be more comfortable. And I hoped to see some form of him wanting to get up, go outside onto his deck even to just sit in the snow which he loved more than anything. I stayed up all night watching him and hoping. But he did not. He did not want water, food or his favorite treats. Or to move at all. The vet came over on Sunday afternoon and Smokey left us, while he was in my lap/arms and I told him stories of all the fun he led us on. How many coyotes and bears he scared away from his momma. The snow hikes and adventures he led us on. All the fun we had.

2.5 weeks later and I’m obviously still broken-hearted. Still sad every day. It will take a while because every day for the past 8 years has been Smokey filled. And now it’s not.

I told him every night as I skooshed good night that I loved him, that he was my best friend and that tomorrow we will have more fun. And every day we had more fun.

A lot of people have told me how they looked forward to his pictures every day because he made them smile. While I am very sad, it makes me happy that Smokey was able to bring smiles to people that we know both in real life and through social media. And while I did not want to write anything, or even get on social, he deserved his “birthday” adoption day post.

He was the best.