a99kitten's Musings

Ever feel out of sorts? Like 2 different people? 2 different sides anyway? Not entirely yin and yang but close? What you want. What you believe.

Hard to describe I guess.

Someone says something that upsets you but it shouldn’t. Someone responds sweetly so you smile but then takes it back – deleted in a flash and you don’t know why. Someone ignores you or treats you like just some random person. Says something you’d find in a Hallmark card to a co-worker or neighbor…but not a friend or loved one.

Tiring week I guess. Tiring year (it’s only February…wth?)

Good thing I have huskies :) The world is truly a better place with the fluffy. I’m truly sad for those that don’t have that…

I think this might be my favorite song of all time. Makes me swoon every time I hear it…

I wish I had a time machine to go back and see these guys live. Back when our entertainment figures entertained us with singing, dancing and acting and not flashing us their panties or beating their wives. Some of them likely did all that but we didn’t have 24/7 media coverage and paparazzi staking them out, waiting for them to fall, so the public just got to be entertained by the arts…I think I might belong in a different decade…

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. Never have. I’ve never understood the purpose behind deciding on 1 day to do (or not do) things that should probably be resolved all year (all life?) long. Need more exercise? Why wait until 1/1 to start? Need to eat better? Save more? Stop being a douche? Stop drinking so much? Stop taking drugs? Be nicer to people (these seem to be the common resolutions.) So WHY are you waiting? Plus from what I’ve seen and heard – most people ditch that list by mid-January. Why annual gym memberships are a great business for the gyms…

My new year’s list is more a “things to do” list. If you know me, you know I always one of these. Almost every day starts out with my daily list – my daily battleplan to attack the day. And my things to do list is always a live list. Always stuff to be done, always doing stuff, always more stuff that comes up and has to go on the list. That could almost be a George Carlin routine if you added some curse words.

You could apply my same “why are you waiting?” to this as well. But again, if you know me at all, you know I am *always* doing stuff :) But there are projects I either newly thought of or never really put on the list but I want off the damn list and this will ensure they get done!

Another section of my list is the “things to always make sure are done” section. This section isn’t the obvious junk like house cleaned, bills paid, dry cleaning dropped off/picked up, etc etc. since that list is always running in my head on a permanent loop. No, it’s things like:

take time to read every day if even just for 15-20 minutes.
brush the huskies a little each day so they don’t hate you for 1 BIG brushing session :)
sit down and relax – stop running, running, running and not enjoying.
exercise every day.
spend time with my friends doing fun things – plan them!
look at what you have and not what you don’t. And enjoy it. (this will however not make me not shop!)

I need to keep this list in a place I can see it all the time. Because they are important things to remember and to do. I’ve been *pretty* good on most them all last year but want more of #5 and probably need to work more on #3. I definitely need to concentrate on putting more of an effort into relaxing a bit more…hey…that doesn’t sound so relaxing! ;)

OK…this made me giggle….I was making some “nutritious” food for myself on game day – Weight Watcher’s Smart Ones Mini Pepperoni Pizzas while I watch football and pack for my Christmas trip to Tahoe. 1 serving is 280 calories and satisfies my junk food craving.

I’m not big. I’m actually pretty little. But guess what? It takes work to stay little. Quite frankly, I have run into bitterness from heavy people who think that thin people just eat whatever the hell they want. This was generally true was I was a teen or in my 20s. But no – I don’t eat what I want. Considering I always want TONS of carbs – I cannot. Pasta, rice, potatoes, bread – you name it – YUM! Wish I could eat them all day. I’m not a big sweets person. I like chocolate stuff and cheesecake but would take an order of salty french fries over a dessert any day of the week.

So when I read celebs or models who say “Oh, I eat whatever I want. I’m just lucky to be a naturally thin size 00.” I want to punch them in the face. You might eat whatever you want, but then you throw it up. Or all that coke and/or Adderall you do might help. Be honest. Meh. Are there people who are thin – yes. But sorry – they do not all reside in Hollywood. They work at it. Whether by unhealthy means or healthy ones. They all do something.

I do watch what I eat. Pretty much all of the time. And exercise every day. Every day. And have for a very long time. But I also don’t take any diet drugs, narcotics, pharmaceuticals, throw up, eat cotton (a nice ballerina and model trick) or any other weird solution. Caloric intake less than calories burned. The way it has to be. My blood pressure and heart rate is low (so low I had a nurse ask me if I was sure I was alive…I told him that was his job to determine) so I am not too worried about my health. And I do pretty much agree (kinda twisted I guess) with Kate Moss: “There is nothing that tastes as good as being thin feels.” But do disagree with the Duchess on the 2nd half of her statement (There is no such thing as too rich.) “No woman can be too rich or too thin.”

Anyways – back to the pizzas…directions to make me giggle…actually laughed out loud:

1. Preheat oven.

2. REMOVE 1 tray (4 pizza minis) from carton. Return second tray to freezer.

Ok…when I read this I had to wonder how badly they wanted to say:

2. REMOVE 1 tray (4 pizza minis) from carton. Return second tray to freezer fattie. Do it now. And step away from the freezer.

Right? That’s what the box said to me anyway. So I put the 2nd tray in the freezer. Oh well…no pain, no gain! And I know there will be plenty of bad eating over Christmas…

Thanksgiving weekend is drawing to a close. Sad that I have to leave snowy Tahoe but happy it’s now Christmas season! Started on Friday when I put up my tree here. And this week I will buy a tree for home. Very excited!! My tree routine is go pick my tree, get tree home and up, order pizza, put Christmas music on and decorate with a glass of bubbly. I’ve had this routine for years – at home (no bubbly then tho!) and then on my own. When decorated, you sit and look at your pretty tree and smile :) Every night when I come home from work, I will turn the tree lights and Xmas music on. Having my tree makes me happy. Period.

I tried very hard to not play any Christmas music until Friday but then on Friday – Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Johnny Mathis and more got plenty of play :) Christmas music really makes me happy. Well, let me re-phrase…I like well done Christmas music. I’ve heard some really bad pop or rap renditions…not a fan…at all. But there is nothing better than the old classics. My dad would play the Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra and Johnny Mathis records over and over all month long. They are in constant rotation at my house now too :)

Went to our homeowner’s association Tree Lighting last night. They had a pretty big set up at the lodge with s’mores stations, pictures with Santa and plenty of games for kids. We saw Santa’s sleigh land too. Not exactly sure how they did it, but they did make it seem like he landed from the sky – had him come out of the dark forest so it was a good illusion. The kids (ok, me too…) were pretty excited to see it :) I wore my jingle bell antlers headband so the little kids liked to stop and talk to me :) It was sooooo cold out but they had a lot of the outdoor heaters going. It was a very fun event.

Fun football weekend. My Gators won!! The Stanford/Notre Dame game was great and I am on track to win my FF week. Although it will come down to MNF as I have Drew Brees and my opponent has Reggie Bush. I am very, very excited for that game. I am rooting for NO to win!

It’s time to get some Christmas shopping done. I love going to Stanford Shopping Center at Christmas time. They have trees and decorations everywhere, music playing, everything is lit up, the whole place is beautiful. It’s nice and festive and wintery. I actually prefer to get my shopping done online for most things but love going there just for the holiday ambiance. Walk around, get a hot cocoa or hot apple cider and check out all the store displays.

It’s very busy for me at work this time of year. And then you throw in being busy for holiday stuff. It’s so easy to get so busy that you forget to stop and enjoy this time of year. Always take some time to stop and enjoy the season. Watch the snow fall if you can. Or decorate your Christmas tree, even if you can only afford a small one. Or sit down and listen to Bing sing White Christmas. Oh – and watch a cute Christmas movie! Old classics, new classics – whatever tickles you. Find the time for these things. *Especially* if you have kids – they will always remember it. Presents are awesome – everyone loves them, loves to play with them, have them, etc, etc. But they will remember the things they did, trees decorated, visits to Santa, snowballs thrown, family traditions to repeat for years, the times you laughed together at Ralphie and his quest for a Red Ryder or rooted for Rudolph. It’s important. These are the things I remember from my family Christmas’ and always will.

Me and the buds Xmas 2005

I don’t ask you to agree with me.

I don’t ask you like what I like.

I don’t ask you to do what I want to do.

I don’t ask for you to care about everything I care about.

But I do ask that you care about me. About what I have to say. Even if you disagree, you should care to listen to me and what I have to say even when ranting about something you deem silly or annoying. Because it’s me.

If you don’t, then I’m not sure why I should care.

I always find it disturbing when people are hyper-critical. Being honest, constructive criticism, all that – sure. But just plain critical. Finding something wrong no matter what. I personally find this is very bad personality trait.

Do you look at a field of options, of opportunity, of suggestions and only see things to criticize? Only see what’s wrong with the picture instead of what’s right? That’s just not right.

Do you look at a portfolio of stocks and see the 1 that has had a loss and comment on it? Do you look at a clean and organized house and find the dirty spot? See a cute girl and see why she’s not beautiful? Do you look at anything and everything and only see what’s wrong? Well…you should figure out what the hell is wrong with YOU and it’s not the thing you see in others. Take a deeper look..

…the one who has to have their s** together, to have a smile on, to be tough.  I’m a generally positive person. Glass half-full, make the best of things, etc. but today I’m tired….

I’ve lost my Mom, basically lost my Dad, constantly and always worry about my little brother (for good reason.) I stress about work and about making sure everyone there is OK. I stress about other losses endured. I stress about my husband, and making sure his stress is only work-related and I keep any home stuff off his plate as much as I can. And all sorts of other stuff that runs though my head all the time.

And then I always stress about my dogs. They are my kids. But I really can’t always be the one who has to be tough about that too. Not today.  Storm probably has Cushing’s Disease. He’s 7. I know he won’t last as long as me (assuming no bus incidents for me!) but I really need my buds to be happy & healthy for as long as they can be. They make my life happy. Every day. Their little faces make me smile every single day.

I’m clearly tired. I’ve had a weird bout of insomnia for the last couple of days which has resulted in 6 hours of bad sleep over the last 48. Hopefully I sleep tonight. But I will blame any bout of emotional babyness on being this tired. I don’t allow myself to ever break down so hopefully some sleep will do me good….

Tomorrow I shall find some good shopping deals or celebrity gossip to post…

Had trouble deciding on which shoes to wear today! The reason this is funny is because I used to have no black/dark shoes to fit this category – open toe heels but not sandals/wedges. Husband would looks at my shoes and say “How can you need *another* pair of black shoes??” Well simple, there are:

Work Pumps – high (4″+)
Work pumps – low (-4″)
Pumps – dressy
Flats – casual
Flats – work dress
Wedges
Flip-Flops (don’t even count)
Strappy high heel (more of a sandal) – going out/dressy
Strappy high heel – casual/work acceptable
Peep toe pumps – dressy
Peep toe pumps – casual/work acceptable
Casual but not too casual heel to wear with capris or skirts – work
F Me Pumps (see bottom of page for these…)

There are probably more I haven’t listed. But this is your basic black shoe list (and brown shoe list if you are like me.)

So I have purchased a few pairs of shoes this year to try and fill out some of these categories. And after doing so – I found myself debating WHICH pair to wear today instead of lamenting that “I had nothing to go with this outfit!” YAY!

Outfit = simple one. Pair of Seven For All Mankind A pocket jeans – (sparkly butt to go w/my new Edward Cullen poster ;) )

7's sparkle :)

Plus white lace tank top under a gray J. Crew cashmere short-sleeved cardigan. Now which shoe…

Steve Madden Makel - black

or

Guess Nevel - pewter

I wanted an open-toe shoe so as not to wreck my pedicure! Plus it is summer. I love them both and both went with the my outfit…

So after walking around the house while I finished getting ready I chose the Steve Maddens as they were a bit more summery/open. And good thing I didn’t walk out of the house with 1 of each on like I *almost* did!! Because then I would have to take this lunch break to go buy a matching pair of shoes at the mall instead of write this :)

And of course explain once again to my husband why I needed *another* pair of black shoes…silly boys…

Like these (that I WILL have someday!)

Christian Louboutin Very Prive Peep-Toe Pumps - Suede

Oh…and these from the 2009 Fall Collection:

More Christian Louboutin…

HOT!!!!!!! But I want the burgundy/black combo please :)

Women should really never give up their paying jobs in this world. This leads to giving up your freedom.

A single person spends their money on whatever they want. Irresponsibly or responsibly – it’s all up to them.  Save it. Invest it. Spend it. Blow it in Vegas. Do what you want with it. It’s all yours. You earned, you spend it.

Then you get married….And even if you do not combine your checking, savings, credit cards, etc. you generally still put a majority of your money towards your mortgage, furniture, home improvements, bills, etc etc.  And this is *without* kids. Once kids enter the picture – I think all of your money goes in that bucket!! :)

Now, if you are lucky (yes lots of hard work but come on – you are awesomely lucky too!) and have enough money where you can spend willy-nilly (or put all your money in your stock account, or collect cars, or donate it all to saving fluffy animals or buy 1000 acres in Wyoming) and no one cares – AWESOME! GO YOU! But most people are not in this category. Most (married/co-habitating) people contribute a good portion (if not all) of their take-home earnings to joint expenses. Thankfully the government likes to take their portion off the top so you don’t have to worry about that…

But when a women leaves her job and stays home (*usually* when they have kid(s)), she stops bringing home a paycheck.  Now, if she is a normal wife in this situation and is taking care of the household (along with the kids if in the picture) then she hasn’t stopped working. Just stopped being paid and intrinsically valued for the work done. And then something happens which, to me, is one of the worst thing’s ever. Someone else has control. Want to get your hair done? Go to a Saturday lunch with your friends? Go to the movies? Buy something?  Have a drink out at dinner? Well, you probably have to clear it with the earner now. Or at least explain it afterward when asked where that money went.

Now, I know there are women out there are who are gold-digging whores who look for men to marry to support them and do not want to work at all. Some probably feel a reciprocal relationship of “I give you lots of sex and you take care of me completely.”  If both parties are OK with this, fine I guess. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship as long as it’s completely understood by both parties. Gross concept of marriage but oh well.

And there are some who don’t even bother to act like a wife/partner for their husbands and just want someone to take care of them. Likely jumped from daddy to them or from 1 sucker to the next sucker – whatever. They probably never really had to take care of themselves so see nothing wrong with this behavior. And they find men who do it so it’s proven out as a successful path. And if the guy puts up with it – oh well, his fault. Except that it serves as a bad example of women. I hate those women.

I also know there are men who think if the woman stays home and takes care of the house, all the errands, cooking, laundry, kids, pets, etc. etc. she still isn’t really “working”. After all, she didn’t have to put on a tie this morning. Or sit in on a 3-hour meeting. She got to stay home all day and watch TV or read magazines, right? What she had to do was “easy”.

I can’t think of worse thing than having to ask someone for money. It actually causes a physical reaction in me. Or the idea that someone is “taking care of me.” Ugh. One of many reasons I could never be a Liberal Democrat.

Now, do I love the fantasy of not working long hours and having my husband buy me nice things and flowers, pay for my poodle-time and take me on awesome vacations? Of course!! Who wouldn’t?! Sounds great! But what would I give up for that? That’s the question.

Currently, I work more than full-time hours in 1 job, spend hours on another job/project plus take care of  2 homes and all errands, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, paying bills, all pet-related stuff plus twittering and blogging :) Now, I have a housekeeper 1x per week at home because I frackin’ refuse to clean bathrooms on my weekends.  Most hated chore EVER.  But I pay for this luxury out of MY paycheck.  Along with a fair share of household bills. And I do still clean bathrooms (along with everything else) at our vacation house when we go. I don’t complain about doing any of this – I’m good at it & hate when it’s not done – but I would love if I felt it was truly valued.

So now the question is would I give up my full-time paying job, along with the hours and stress that go with it, so that my days weren’t always so filled with work and chores? Just handle the household stuff and that’s it? Potentially have more time off (with non-fluffy children that is simply untrue but with huskies it is a possibility :) ) But then earn no money of my own?  No…not really…no possible way.

Finding someone who is truly a partner means they do take care of you. And you take care of them. It’s a reciprocal relationship that you both benefit from and that makes you both happy. And hey, if you find a guy who makes a good living and doesn’t want his wife to have to go to work 9-5 (or much longer in reality) because he makes plenty of cash – then that’s really great. But again – what are you giving up for that? Is he going to ask you where that $50 went when you meet friends for lunch? Or get a mani/pedi? Or buy a pair of shoes? If so – keep your job. Make your own money. Don’t look to anyone to support you.

And keep your job so that when you go out to dinner and he complains that you guys eat out too much,  or that you ordered an appetizer or a $10 drink with your meal, you can pull your cash or card out of your own wallet and pay. And look at him like “Really?”

THAT control over yourself and your own life is priceless.