a99kitten's Musings

Was having an OK day.

Then you are reminded of what an idiot you are.

Last night I had another dream where I got to hug Smokey and I could feel the hug/his fur even after I woke up. This time, I cannot recall the dream as vividly as I did the 1st one (which I still recall the details) but I definitely recall the action of hugging him and the feeling of his fur against my face. It was nice.

This morning I did my Peloton ride (a too hard one IMO) and then did a 10 minute arms class, a 5 minute stretch and then tried a first-time 5 minute mediation (utilizing the monthly sub..)

Anyone that knows me, knows I am not hippie-dippie, I am pretty darn pragmatic and have actually never-ever mediated in any formal way (I would argue my quiet hikes in the forest more than qualify though.) At the end of this quick class, the instructor asks us to recall the last person you hugged – so I immediately thought of last night’s Smokey hug – and then tell yourself the class mantra of being healthy, happy, etc etc blah blah (my normal reaction to meditation type stuff.) But I did this – thinking of Smokey. And I teared up…and yet felt OK. And breathed through it for 90 seconds and then it was done. I had a decent day of staying busy and most importantly, not sad.

I am glad Smokey visited.

Between last Easter weekend and this fresh snow weekend, I’ve seen pretty much all of my neighbors. Whether full-timers having me over for dinner, insisting I go on walks with them, chit-chatting as I see them out while I am shoveling or part-timers seeing me after a week or more as I am out walking. The 100% constant question is “Am I OK?”

Well..all anyone wants to hear is Yes – I’m OK. Doing better. Doing well. How are you? Because dealing with “No – I am not OK” sucks.

But it’s not really factual. Sometimes. But I’m no longer interested in dealing with people’s reactions to “honestly not doing great.” No one wants to hear that. No matter how much they think they care about you. Fact. So I simply started saying “I’m OK” to everyone. Just leave it – you don’t care, and I don’t want to spend 1 second more trying to make you more comfortable with it. I do not come to you crying. I do break out in sobs. So leave it.

The fact is some days I am better than others. Some days I truly just want to stay in bed but I do not allow that. But I want to. But yes – some days I am OK. Or maybe the actual truth is some hours I am OK. And some I am not. Truly a game of ebbs and flows. Loss and sadness from different areas in my life.

So sure…I’m fine. Doing OK. How are you?

I should have gone on an afternoon walk yesterday during through the wind and crazy clouds – just waiting for the new snow.

I should have built up a towel tower to keep some of the blowing snow in overnight.

I should have been woken up this AM and jumped out of bed to see how much snow we got overnight.

I should have been on a snowshoe hike through the forest this morning.

I should have had to towel off a very snowy but happy husky when we got home. And had snow all over the entryway. And hallway. And living room. After many shakes.

I should have had to shovel a path on my deck when we got home. And kept cleaning up the snow blowing in from the open deck door. And more husky snow shakes.

I should have had to clean up all the towels and snow throughout the day. All day. And laughing about it even after saying “Noooo!”

I should have had to go on more snow adventures all day. Take pictures. Be happy with our April snow. The best snow since Christmas week.

I should be looking out every few minutes to see a snow covered husky lying happily in his snow pile. Burying his treats in his snow.

I did not have to do any of that. I did not get to do any of that.

Has snowed, off and on, since yesterday AM. Yesterday was not great. Today no crying. So I guess it’s a better day. No stock market to focus on gives my brain way too much free time. A 3-day weekend with snow every day would have been so awesome a few months ago. Now it’s painful.

I did get sad today. I shoveled snow off the deck. I put stuff away in the now empty dog treat cabinet. I watched snow fall. I found fur stuck in a screw underneath my dining table lol. But I stayed constantly busy. Working on my home projects and exercising (and yet getting fatter so that’s cool.) And am now catching up on some past eps of Grey’s Anatomy. I told myself I’d be lazy today and watch a movie but then did my Peloton and then stayed busy on stuff. And did laundry. And then shoveled. And then it was after 6pm and time to shower and make dinner and clean up after dinner and then it was 8pm. And I really suck at bingeing or trying to watch movies.

One day I’ll stop counting my Saturdays and Sundays in terms of weeks since I lost Smokey. But for now, it’s been 13 weeks since I started the day in a great mood and then went to sleep knowing my best friend was probably leaving me. Sleeping on the sofa, watching him. Hoping I was wrong. I really do hate weekends now.

I hope to sleep well. Have been consistently tired. But the full moon week is always worse. So let’s see..

Releasing stress/pressure is not easy. But it’s important. For physical and mental health. I’ve always known that. But it’s not always easy. So I do my Peloton. And go outside for a walk. Have dinner with neighbors (they are really social – going again for Easter dinner). Or even dance it out (bopped my head to Call me Maybe last night.)

It doesn’t fix everything. I’m still sad every day. But you have to get out of your head. I know that. But you can’t stop trying.

As much as I love the snow the past few days (and expecting for next 2), it has been a really horrible, sad, awful few days. I have tried and tried and tried to exercise and chore my way out of this sadness but it has not worked. I cried so much yesterday, my head hurt for hours.

All I see is what would have been loved. And all I feel is sadness and emptiness.

I do love the snow. And the cold. More than most humans probably. But it also reminds me of what I no longer have. Of who is missing.

Sheets and towels all over the floor to catch the snow and melted snow. Wiping down everything from a snow shake every 10 mins because the deck door is open to go out. A tower of towels making sure the blowing snow doesn’t soak the wood floors. Taking pictures of a purely and completely happy husky in the snow. Planning our next outside adventure. Smiling for my husky in the snow no matte what the mess.

Happiness…that is what I am missing.

Was having a perfectly fine day. Woke up early, did a few trades, took the recycling out early and it was so cold and crisp. The best kind of morning.

Did my first live Peloton ride. Was good. But don’t really see the point of caring if live or recorded. In fact – you get more stats on the screen when a recorded ride. A lot more high fives though lol. Did a cool down ride and an arm workout. Felt good.

Waited till the market closed to start my chore list which I made yesterday – determined to get it all done. Day was going just fine..and then I made the stupid mistake of opening FB because I saw a bunch of alerts. First thing was my memories of the day which was of course Smokey. Smokey out on a hike on a day exactly like today – some fresh snow on the ground. And I broke down in sobs instantly. Like..instantly. I could actually feel his fur as if I skooshed him. It was so real for a second. Sobbed for a solid 20 minutes. And now I’m just tired.

Still need to push myself to go out for a walk this afternoon. It’s cold and fresh snow all around. Smokey’s favorite. Probably not done crying for the day.

I miss him. I miss having my best friend with me all day. I miss hugging him. I miss him bugging me to go out in the fresh snow as soon as it was not pitch black out in the morning. And again in the afternoon. And seeing him sitting out on the deck in his fresh snow. And asking me for a treat.

I miss his happiness every day..which made me happy every day.

It snowed pretty much all day today. Not heavy snow, but constant and the wind gave us some whiteout conditions every so often.

I stayed in bed this morning. I woke up around 6:15am and would have loved to jump out of bed to go out in the fresh snow like I have for years. But I did not. I pulled the covers over my head and fell back kind-of asleep till 7:30. Then made myself get up since I felt like a lazy slug.

Did my Peloton ride, traded, chores, etc etc. I decided I did not want to go out – didn’t want to get sad. But around 5:30pm said fuck it and did a Peloton 30 min power walk out in the snow. The wind kicked up so also got a facial so that’s nice. Didn’t allow myself to think – kept following the Peloton instructor – so could not get sad.

I really do prefer cold, snowy winter to anything. Take your hot, sunny days and shove ’em.

Got home, started dinner, took a hot shower and then saw the fading light and pink sky with clouds over the snowy forest.

Smokey would have loved fresh snow. We would have had so much fun.

I keep trying. Every day.

Really need a vacation. But from what? My head? That’s not going to happen.

But my loss and relationships in 2022 have put my head in a fog…full of sadness, confusion, anger. This past week really solidified my upset with this year.

Honestly probably why the idea of going anywhere that I love sounds awful. And why I cannot even begin to plan anything. Because I know they won’t help. Those places are broken too right now. And I don’t want those places ruined. Maybe I’ll get to go again someday. When I’m not broken. But that’s not now.

I know I’ll get through it. How it looks on the other side? That I do not know. But right now it does seem like it will different. Assumptions I made about people and relationships were wrong. And this past week I have been feeling like my decision making about things is hugely, grossly flawed. Things that I thought were set. Family, friends, future.

Flawed. And broken.

Shoveled some more snow off the back deck yesterday. It’s been warmer the past 2 days plus the sun hits it for a bit in the afternoon now. I stopped though..with some still there. Smokey (and I) always hated this time of year. No more back deck snow. Although typically it’s 1-2 months later than this year – that’s sad for multiple reasons.

I used to bring the snow off the stairs and from any other piles left on the deck to his pile. So that he had it as long as he could.

Now this evening, I see 2 of Smokey’s buried treats have melted out of the snow pile I left. Treats he buried for himself to have later. A later which will not come.

I am really sad. And broken.

I really hate 2022.