a99kitten's Musings

I blog about a WHOLE LOT of stuff :)

I have been gardening for hours all week. Decided not to hire someone to do this work so I could be out there. I’ll hire someone for the big yard clean up but I chose to do the garden areas. Mostly so I could stay busy outside and end up looking at something pretty.

And yet I’m still sad.

Today my neighbor had his friends up for the weekend as they do every year. Usually Smokey would go say hi to everyone, and meander around. Everyone would pet him and tell him how awesome he was. He’d be the life of the party.

I had dinner again with neighbors the other night. And had a fun and busy day and evening. But I still came home and was immediately sad.

I am crying again. I think maybe I should start considering adopting a new dog. But I I know I am not ready. I do not want a new dog. I want Smokey back.

I think tomorrow is just curl up and be tired day. I might not let it happen. But right now I think so.

The amount of time I spend making sure my brain and body have zero time to get sad is ridiculous. And a fail.

I’ve worn myself out this week. Literally. I’m exhausted. I’m sore. I have made sure I have very little down time.

Doesn’t seem to matter.

I’ve also seemed to have lost a close friend. Or 2. But I’m done.

So tired.

Today’s is my brother’s 39th birthday. I wish he was here for me to tell him how old he was. And make fun of his oldness. But he is not. Not for 11 years.

I light a candle tonight for Smokey – as I have been doing every night for 4 months. And also for Jonathan.

Loss is a terrible thing. Humans go through it on a daily basis all over the world. But telling yourself that does not make your loss any less. Or make you feel any better.

Only time does that. And you don’t feel better. You just feel less awful.

Today I spent a few hours cleaning up broken branches from winter as the snow melts, unwrapping all of my trees without breaking or killing myself (on a precarious fn ladder so this was a win), and duck taping and roping up my broken tree.

This is the tree I look out my kitchen window and see blossoming. Except after this winter it has been crushed. Literally. I had to tape it after the big 2016/17 winter as well and it thrived. Bu today, after the snow melted off of it this week, it was completely bent over. I had to duck tape all of the main branches including from the trunk. And tied it to the the house to hold it up. I honestly don’t expect it to make it. BUT, it has buds on some of the branches so I had to try. 2002 continues to take from me.

As I did all this, I had no one following me around. No one underfoot. I didn’t have to look around and say “Hey – Smokey!” only to find him digging a hole somewhere after a critter or lounging in the leftover snow piles.

Gardening was our spring thing. He always hung out with me. I was never out there by myself. Always had a supervisor. Until now. I broke down and sobbed again today. It’s been a couple of days. I feel terribly alone again. And spring can suck it.

I have not had a Mom to wish Happy Mother’s Day to since 2002 (although in reality even before then.)

I have been a doggie Mom since 2001. Not this year.

I forgot it was mom’s day this Sunday. Until every commercial on TV, every sale email, and displays at the grocery store, and even post office have reminded me over and over yesterday today. Yet another reason to tell 2022 to fuck off.

Today has sucked. This week has sucked. I feel I have aged 10 years in 5 months. I will throw this week it on the pyre that is 2022 – like all of the other weeks.

Not sure what is wrong with me that I never learn.

I have told myself social media is off limits. My pictures are off limits. But it’s one of my favorite days, so I clicked through my FB memories. Mostly, I was trying to remember what I BBQed last year on this day as I watched Solo – I remember that part – what was on. And Smokey watching me use my (new-ish) grill. But I could not remember if it was chicken or beef. Should not have mattered. Idiot.

So instead I just got sad. And cried.

I always try to make this day a fun day. Even though it’s a silly “holiday”. I have no one to celebrate it with so it is kind of ridiculous. But oh well. But today my dad had his doctor appointment and turns out, as we suspected, that he might have lung cancer. Not really a surprise since he has smoked since he was like 9 (go dad). He needs to get a biopsy so I’ll know more in a week or so. And then I get to make medical decisions. Yay.

So then I went for a walk. Showered. Made dinner. Had Star Wars movies playing. But then stupidly looked through FB pics from today.

I should know better. But I guess not. I try every day to stay happy(ish). To stay out of my head. Being broken sucks. 2022 can fuck itself.

Woke up this morning, got out of bed and instantly my legs – thighs, calves, feet, ankles, glutes – were all SORE.

I have been Peloton-ing pretty much daily since February. Walking daily (again) since about then too. January was a month off. But I garden for a few hours, clearing snow from bushes, cutting branches, raking (directly after my 90 minute power walk but still) and all of a sudden I feel 75 year old. wtf?

Just as sore again this morning so I took today off from exercise besides a 40 minute neighborhood walk. I was not going to do one at all but when I went outside to do a neighbor a favor, it was so quiet. So peaceful. And chilly and windy. I had to do a walk this AM. But no ride, no extras. And did a classical music walk. Was nice.

After that I dug out my old CD/DVD rom, attached to my old/old (I have 3….doh) laptop, found my old buddy DVD and uploaded pics of Angelus and Storm. Did not have as much iPhone and def not social media with them so want to make sure to not lose those memories. Looking through all of those made me smile. Then loaded some old CDs – man iTunes f’ed me. Thanks Apple. Lost all my old music. But I did not pay attention so it’s on me. But F U Apple anyway. Made a play list for walks – then gave up. Too much technology on the day lol

By 5pmish I was still sore as hell. So decided I should hot tub it. After shower, dinner, and clean-up and laundry, around 8:30pm I did. I can only take about 15 minutes in there (why I consider it such a bother) before I am cooked. Plus, first time out there without a husky checking on me, keeping an eye on me. Making sure I was safe. Felt weird to be honest. Not entirely relaxing, but right now my feet and calves are feeling the zen. Let’s see if better tomorrow.

Been a few days since I’ve broken down and sobbed. So I guess I was due. Spent a couple hours outside cleaning up the yard – picking up broken tree limbs, broken half trees, moving snow off bushes, filling up my green waste bin (1st pick up of the year.) And then my tree, which I have babied for years after planting it as a sapling when I first moved here full-time, duck-taping it all over to save it after the big 16/17 winter – crushed. The snow melted off it this week and it’s crushed. This year continues to exact a toll. A toll which continues to crush me. Circular.

Usually Smokey was out there with me while I did all this. But now no making sure he was fine, looking where he was, seeing him finding the snow piles to lay in. Just me. Just a constant reminder of loss.

Weird year. Loss of best friends is heart-breaking. I’m exhausted every day. Not physically from exercise – which I make sure to do every day to make me tired so I can hopefully sleep. But mentally. Emotionally.

I’ve gone through my life doing my very best not to disappoint people. I don’t know that I have been 100% successful. But no one has ever told me I have not been. But I feel I have been such a bad judge of character over time. Trusting people only to be let down. To be hurt and disappointed. And the best part is they don’t really care that they have done so. From family, old friends, new friends.

I’m going to stick with dogs. If I can convince myself I can be heartbroken that way again. At least they do not let me down. But I don’t know. Just a very alone feeling. Which I am so not used to. But seems embedded now.

I have been staying off social media ever since Smokey died. I have posted a few pics lately of food or toys but I post and then close. I saw a few birthday notifications on FB so addressed those – but then closed. I do not scroll down, I do not want to see my memories, I do not want to see other stuff that will make me sad.

I have opened and kept up to date on my Twitter FinTwit list because of trading but have not veered from that list except for my tahoe list during the snow storm.

I’m sure my friends are posting fun or annoying things but I am staying away from it all.

And then tonight, I posted on TWTR that I finished Mare of Easttown. Heavy. But good. Only 7 episodes so I was able to “binge” it this week.

Then I opened Instagram because I have multiple notifications there and that fn annoys the shit out of me. With FB and TWTR, I just open and close the app and it clears them without seeing them. But the first thing I saw on Insta was an account I follow – Loki – saying how he might have some kidney issues. Maybe not so bad though. But then he might have some spleen/cancer issues. He’s 9.5.

I was just almost getting to the point where I might consider adopting a dog in the future. Not now. Nowhere near now. Because I’d just be looking for Smokey. And that’s not fair. But I was not longer saying it would never happen. But then I read this about Loki and cried. Because I’ve been through this exact issue. Kidney stuff with Smokey (although he came through it) and spleen issues with Angelus – and he did not. I am just not sure how many times you can break your heart in 1 life time.

Analytically, I know that making a dog’s life amazing is making his whole life amazing. And even though you lose them too soon in human years – you’ve made their life. And that’s the best thing. I know that. But I just don’t know how many times I can take that loss.

So now I just do not know.

Also – going back to zero social media.

Funny things cause emotional reactions. I am mostly (but not completely) past just sobbing at the sight of anything that reminds me of Smokey. Which is good, because everything in and around my house reminds me of him. Like…even when I go out and run errands. But silly little things do too.

I used to save my barely used napkins or paper towels for when I had to wipe up cookie or treat crumbs, food crumbles under his food dish, water driplets by his water dish. I was always wiping stuff up. Today, I saw the 3 I had saved in a corner on the counter. And threw them away. Because I don’t need to wipe anything up. Made me smile at how goofy that was. And sad that I do not have to.

Life seems upended right now. Not just Smokey related. But Smokey would have made it better.