a99kitten's Musings

I blog about a WHOLE LOT of stuff :)

Has snowed, off and on, since yesterday AM. Yesterday was not great. Today no crying. So I guess it’s a better day. No stock market to focus on gives my brain way too much free time. A 3-day weekend with snow every day would have been so awesome a few months ago. Now it’s painful.

I did get sad today. I shoveled snow off the deck. I put stuff away in the now empty dog treat cabinet. I watched snow fall. I found fur stuck in a screw underneath my dining table lol. But I stayed constantly busy. Working on my home projects and exercising (and yet getting fatter so that’s cool.) And am now catching up on some past eps of Grey’s Anatomy. I told myself I’d be lazy today and watch a movie but then did my Peloton and then stayed busy on stuff. And did laundry. And then shoveled. And then it was after 6pm and time to shower and make dinner and clean up after dinner and then it was 8pm. And I really suck at bingeing or trying to watch movies.

One day I’ll stop counting my Saturdays and Sundays in terms of weeks since I lost Smokey. But for now, it’s been 13 weeks since I started the day in a great mood and then went to sleep knowing my best friend was probably leaving me. Sleeping on the sofa, watching him. Hoping I was wrong. I really do hate weekends now.

I hope to sleep well. Have been consistently tired. But the full moon week is always worse. So let’s see..

Releasing stress/pressure is not easy. But it’s important. For physical and mental health. I’ve always known that. But it’s not always easy. So I do my Peloton. And go outside for a walk. Have dinner with neighbors (they are really social – going again for Easter dinner). Or even dance it out (bopped my head to Call me Maybe last night.)

It doesn’t fix everything. I’m still sad every day. But you have to get out of your head. I know that. But you can’t stop trying.

As much as I love the snow the past few days (and expecting for next 2), it has been a really horrible, sad, awful few days. I have tried and tried and tried to exercise and chore my way out of this sadness but it has not worked. I cried so much yesterday, my head hurt for hours.

All I see is what would have been loved. And all I feel is sadness and emptiness.

I do love the snow. And the cold. More than most humans probably. But it also reminds me of what I no longer have. Of who is missing.

Sheets and towels all over the floor to catch the snow and melted snow. Wiping down everything from a snow shake every 10 mins because the deck door is open to go out. A tower of towels making sure the blowing snow doesn’t soak the wood floors. Taking pictures of a purely and completely happy husky in the snow. Planning our next outside adventure. Smiling for my husky in the snow no matte what the mess.

Happiness…that is what I am missing.

Was having a perfectly fine day. Woke up early, did a few trades, took the recycling out early and it was so cold and crisp. The best kind of morning.

Did my first live Peloton ride. Was good. But don’t really see the point of caring if live or recorded. In fact – you get more stats on the screen when a recorded ride. A lot more high fives though lol. Did a cool down ride and an arm workout. Felt good.

Waited till the market closed to start my chore list which I made yesterday – determined to get it all done. Day was going just fine..and then I made the stupid mistake of opening FB because I saw a bunch of alerts. First thing was my memories of the day which was of course Smokey. Smokey out on a hike on a day exactly like today – some fresh snow on the ground. And I broke down in sobs instantly. Like..instantly. I could actually feel his fur as if I skooshed him. It was so real for a second. Sobbed for a solid 20 minutes. And now I’m just tired.

Still need to push myself to go out for a walk this afternoon. It’s cold and fresh snow all around. Smokey’s favorite. Probably not done crying for the day.

I miss him. I miss having my best friend with me all day. I miss hugging him. I miss him bugging me to go out in the fresh snow as soon as it was not pitch black out in the morning. And again in the afternoon. And seeing him sitting out on the deck in his fresh snow. And asking me for a treat.

I miss his happiness every day..which made me happy every day.

It snowed pretty much all day today. Not heavy snow, but constant and the wind gave us some whiteout conditions every so often.

I stayed in bed this morning. I woke up around 6:15am and would have loved to jump out of bed to go out in the fresh snow like I have for years. But I did not. I pulled the covers over my head and fell back kind-of asleep till 7:30. Then made myself get up since I felt like a lazy slug.

Did my Peloton ride, traded, chores, etc etc. I decided I did not want to go out – didn’t want to get sad. But around 5:30pm said fuck it and did a Peloton 30 min power walk out in the snow. The wind kicked up so also got a facial so that’s nice. Didn’t allow myself to think – kept following the Peloton instructor – so could not get sad.

I really do prefer cold, snowy winter to anything. Take your hot, sunny days and shove ’em.

Got home, started dinner, took a hot shower and then saw the fading light and pink sky with clouds over the snowy forest.

Smokey would have loved fresh snow. We would have had so much fun.

I keep trying. Every day.

Really need a vacation. But from what? My head? That’s not going to happen.

But my loss and relationships in 2022 have put my head in a fog…full of sadness, confusion, anger. This past week really solidified my upset with this year.

Honestly probably why the idea of going anywhere that I love sounds awful. And why I cannot even begin to plan anything. Because I know they won’t help. Those places are broken too right now. And I don’t want those places ruined. Maybe I’ll get to go again someday. When I’m not broken. But that’s not now.

I know I’ll get through it. How it looks on the other side? That I do not know. But right now it does seem like it will different. Assumptions I made about people and relationships were wrong. And this past week I have been feeling like my decision making about things is hugely, grossly flawed. Things that I thought were set. Family, friends, future.

Flawed. And broken.

Shoveled some more snow off the back deck yesterday. It’s been warmer the past 2 days plus the sun hits it for a bit in the afternoon now. I stopped though..with some still there. Smokey (and I) always hated this time of year. No more back deck snow. Although typically it’s 1-2 months later than this year – that’s sad for multiple reasons.

I used to bring the snow off the stairs and from any other piles left on the deck to his pile. So that he had it as long as he could.

Now this evening, I see 2 of Smokey’s buried treats have melted out of the snow pile I left. Treats he buried for himself to have later. A later which will not come.

I am really sad. And broken.

I really hate 2022.

“The definition of a best friend is a person who you value above other friends in your life, someone you have fun with, someone you trust and someone in whom you confide.”

Naive.. “showing a lack of experience, wisdom, or judgment.”

I’ve always tried to be person you trust. Was I perfect? Probably not. But not on purpose. I’ve also been extremely cynical for decades. But apparently not enough. Because I allowed my guard to be down for my “inner circle”. See definition #2 above.

My father lied to me. My brother lied to me. I love them both, but I do look back with disdain. Friends have lied to me. Honesty is a weird thing. You can hurt people by being honest, that is true. Being unburdened by a lie, but hurting someone else in the process, probably isn’t the policy. But lying to someone’s face on more one occasion.. changes everything.

Not even sure what to think here. Other than I’m a sucker. And I can truly…truly never trust anyone (that is not fluffy).

Went to the river, and the lake this week. First time without Smokey. I cried both times. Tried not to but did. Didn’t want to be downer. Oh well.

I miss Smokey..and Angelus and Storm..with all of my heart. They loved me. They’d protect me. They’d be there for me. And they never lied to my face.

Life is heartbreaking.

Weird day. Woke up up around 5am-ish but after a decent night’s sleep from just about midnight, so that’s good. Checked pre-markets. Boring. But now I was awake. Do I get up and do a Peloton ride? A hike? Or stay in bed? C.

Fell asleep till about 6:25am. Stayed awake for the market open, still boring – no trades. Do I get up and watch the markets? Play my Star Wars game? Do a Peloton ride? Or stay in bed? D.

Finally got out of bed around 8:45am. That is so not me. But did not want to get up. Just set the day off as wrong. I am simply a morning person.

Traded, chores, etc etc. No Peloton ride as trading. Plus just did not feel like it. I made the mistake of opening FB today, and saw my memories. Market closed. I hate Fridays now. Wanted to just curl up and watch TV. Made myself get up, go to post office to drop off sold toy, get mail, go to bank and then decided to get a pedicure.

Then I got sad. Going out in the car, without Smokey, makes me sad every time. Every single time. Thought about going for a walk by the river, or something to be outside. Got even sadder which is why I decided on the pedicure. But it put me in a funk. And still in that funk. We used to go out every morning and every afternoon. And every time I would see the beauty in the clouds, the sky, the snow, the lake, the river, and of course my buddy. Now I just get sad.

Every day since 12.31.2000 I have had a buddy beside me. To have adventures with. A short break from August 2013 – January 2014 where it was not every day. And it was awful. But I cannot get myself out of this funk. I try. It works for a bit. And then it is back.

I am just sad. A broken sad. And I know I need to do whatever it takes to stay out of my head, and stay happy-ish. But I am sad. I keep telling myself I’m OK. But I’m not. I’m not OK. And I won’t be OK. Because lying to yourself about being OK doesn’t make it so. You can’t move past it. Like driving around an accident without looking to see the carnage. You have to move through it. And until you get through it all, you are not OK.

Today week is the 10th “anniversary” of when Angelus died. A decade. It’s really hard to believe. And since my dream the other night, it truly feels like I just saw him. That dream is still full color in my head.

What’s even crazier is that it means it was 22 years ago that we first met. What the f? How is that possible? We picked you up and drove you home on 12.31.00. You were not pleased – understandable since we basically kidnapped you from your mom and pack (in your mind anyway.) I slept with you on the kitchen floor on your first night – you slept half way in/out of your crate while I watched you (and made sure you didn’t have any accidents!

And then you became my best friend. It was that quick. I carried you down to our bedroom to go sleepytime every night after that until I could no longer physically do it and then I’d just say “sleepytime” and you’d follow me. I skooshed you good night every night – and you learned to tolerate it (ish). You went everywhere with me. You taught people who didn’t even know they liked dogs to not only love them, but to buy treats and give them to you on your schedule in your role as Chief Morale Officer.

Angelus was truly the greatest dog. The bestest friend. His personality was incredible. And I loved him.

I can look at his pictures now and not cry. I smile and remember our adventures. And his smile and smiling eyes. I think it took me over a year though. I hope I get there with Smokey. I still cry (sob) at his pictures. He was fixed my heart after Angelus and Storm.

And I miss him. I miss them both. I still have a broken heart.

(and yes of course Stormy too..)

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” ~Rose Kennedy

Fell asleep easily again last night – that’s good. Woke up wide awake at 3am again – sigh.

Got up, drank more water, tossed, turned, no markets to check. Did finally fall back asleep after at least the 4:30am time check. Had a dream with Law & Order characters (totally normal really) and was back doing some weird crime solving adventure on the coast. And then I saw Angelus. And Storm. And then Smokey. And they all ran to me at various times and were smiling, and happy. And I got to skoosh them all. And it really felt real. Even if just for a second when I woke up.

I woke up around 7am to it snowing. Not as tired as lately. And feeling a little more calm. Decided to be lazy today – no Peloton or walk. Mostly did laptop stuff and easy chores. Housekeeper came. Weekends still suck. Memories still poke at wounds. But seemed a little more out of my head than I have been.

The final BBT was on as I made dinner. That always makes me happy and sad at the same time. Kind of like seeing my buddies in a dream that seems so lifelike.

But it was sure nice – even if just a dream.