a99kitten's Musings

I blog about a WHOLE LOT of stuff :)

I have started wondering if I will ever really be happy again.

I mean..I know I’ll be OK. But happy? I can honestly say at this moment, I do not know. It’s been a rough year. And it’s only mid-way.

I have never, ever felt this way in my life. It’s weird.

In 2022, I lost my best friend. I’ve had close friends lie to me. Give me shit about about a stupid fn politically motivated vax. Forget me. Not even bother to text fn Happy Birthday.

I send texts, I send cards. I ask if you are OK. I won’t ever push to talk but try to make sure you know I am always there if needed. I’ll change my schedule, or routine, or whatever so we can hang out. Or I can be there.

What do I get? Pfft.

So..why should I care? Why should I put any effort into anything other than just being top-level, socially acceptably friendly and nothing more? Cause no upsets but not really care either. Or…just say F it and scorched earth on anyone who gives me shit. That’s definitely another route. My brain says yes to that. But the other side of my brain says just calm down and ignore everyone.

I am sure I will get another buddy at some point, who will help bring me out of the current funk. But any amount of happiness or joy brought about by that should be reserved for that buddy only.

I’ve tried being a good human. And I will continue to try on the top level of picking up litter, and dog poop. And holding doors open. And smiling. And checking Nextdoor for lost dogs. And donating money to help buddies. But I’m kind of tired of accepting the petty foibles of others to have them be shitty to me in return.

Just tired.

Decided to go on a neighborhood walk this AM. Haven’t done as many since it got warmer and I wasn’t walking with my neighbor (and her very fluffy husky). Been getting my exercise from my Peloton – which is great (as great as indoor exercise can be which is meh at best)- but it’s not outside. I truly need outside time. My mood is greatly changed by less or more outside time.

Saw 1 neighbor from the up the street, who has come to my house (driveway) for a happy hour. And whose dog loved Smokey so much. And we stopped and chatted numerous times. And had dinner together with other neighbors. I stopped, skooshed the doggie, called the doggie by her name (indicating I knew her), asked how the human was doing. And she had no idea who I was. It was very obvious in her face and comments. I didn’t even have sunglasses on, although I did have a hat on. But no clue.

Then later on the walk, saw another neighbor whose dogs LOVED Smokey. Loved. And who I talked with many, many times. No recognition. Although, he was on his deck and not right in front of me like the other lady. But once I mentioned Smokey he and his wife clued in.

Good to know I am so memorable. LoL.

But I know Smokey was the star. He really was. But really – I recognize you people from afar. It’s polite. Off the fn list.

I know it’s stupid. And I know I actually do not care. But man…getting my baseline off of broken and sad is not working.


I finally broke down today and turned on the A/C. It’s actually been a very pleasant (aka normal) summer here. A few days with a warm couple of hours in the late afternoon, but it cooled down quickly when the sun went down. And no (knocks on all of the wood) smoke.

But then on Sunday afternoon, I could smell the smoke. And see the haze. It’s from the Yosemite fire, so it’s pretty far from here but it drifts just enough to get us when the wind is right for it. It’s not like the last 2 years where it’s been a fn hellscape. But I finally took an hour to read on the deck on Sunday when the smoke hit so f u.

Then today, I went for a walk. I have not done that for a long while actually. But I needed to get my brain outside. The Peloton is great and all, but I need to be outside. Went out at around 9am. And did I think almost 5 miles. But I was cooked when I got back. Brain fried. So I turned on the A/C. And it’s been glorious.

And then I missed Smokey. Who I bought this A/C for. 100% who I bought this for. Because I can put on shorts and a tank top. And I am not stuck in a double fur coat. To be honest, I would have turned it on for him as soon as it hit 75 outside which means 68 inside. My house has crazy good insulation and stays cool most of the time. But again, I’m not in a fur coat.

The first day I had it on, he plopped down on the floor – inside versus his normal out on the deck where it has cooled off – and just slept. With a smile on his face. I wish I recorded that. I wish I could watch that over and over.

I have never spent better money outside of heathcare for my buddies. And I wish I would have done it sooner. And I wish he could have enjoyed it for at least another summer.

I miss my friend so much.

I am trying very hard. I am. But it’s been hard.

When I lost Angelus, I had Stormy. I was broken, but had to be there for him. And make sure he was OK.

When I lost Stormy, I spent a lot of time with Shadow. Just looking through my pictures from 2013 and I spent my time with Shadow or driving to the bay area.

Then in January I had Smokey. And then in January 2022, I did not. And I had no one.

It’s been hard. I want to cry very day. I don’t every day, but a lot. Every day is baseline sad and it’s great when I’m not.

Will try and forge through today and tomorrow and onward. Going to watch some BBT. And tomorrow I have a BBQ to go to. But right now I kinda just want to throw up.

What a weird week this has been. Our weather has been mostly chilly, windy and cloudy. Which I am not complaining about since the last 3 Junes (and late Mays) have been grossly hot. With fire season starting early. So not having that has been great. But still feels weird.

And ever since my bay area trip last week my shoulder and pinched nerve have been acting up. It would generally act up on long bay area drives which is 1 of the reasons I stopped doing them. But even then, it would take a day or 2 to calm down and be fine. But this time it has been staying enflamed and in pain. Cool. My guess is that stupid fn massage enflamed it and the drive made it worse.

I’ve been hot tubbing it. And icing it. Doing an arm workout on Peloton yesterday was the wrong choice is my bet.

But then I realized, the last time it hurt like this and for so long was pre-Smokey. So yet another reminder of my loss. The week has darkened my mood considerably. So time has not been doing its job. I’ve cried every single day for a week. And today we had a thunderstorm – when the thunder boomed I instinctively cringed. And got stressed. But then remembered I didn’t need to stress about it like I used to.

Throw on stupid shit with comic con issues – which I am truly debating on going at all.

And it’s my birthday week now. Yay.

So yeah – I guess the pain from life stress and cringing and whatever else caused this before is back even if the circumstances are different..

Went down to the bay area for a quick 2 day ish trip. Have not left my sanctuary since pre-Covid for more than a couple of hours to Reno so it was an adventure (although not really lol.)

Drive was easy. Had fun with friends. Ate yummy food. Saw Top Gun which was fn amazing – and the first movie I’ve seen in a theater since Rise of Skywalker in December 2019. And it was absolute right movie for that. Bought myself a sparkly for my birthday #oops and drive back was easy-peasy.

Got home. To a quiet house. Happy to be back in my sanctuary FOR SURE. But anytime I have traveled since 2014, I got home to Smokey who was happy to see me, who I hugged and let all of my travel stress go, and then we always – 100% of the time – chilled together for the rest of the day/evening. Letting go of all of our stress of being gone, traveling, etc. And then the next day – routine was back on and all was normal and good.

Today, I got home around 1pm. Unpacked. Checked accounts, markets, trading groups, emails, sent wires, packed up 2 sold items from eBay, shipped them off, picked up my mail, went to Ace and bought bark, went home and raked up my entire front yard and filled my green waste bin, spread out some bark, put out some new yard art, watered all my flowers, swept a crap ton of pollen from the decks from 2 damn days, put out new suet for the birds, made dinner, took a shower, ate dinner. Then sat down and watched the new Kenobi. Now it’s almost 10pm and I still have not dispersed the travel stress.

Not really in a big hurry to leave again.

It’s the 5th of June. More accurately, it’s less than 1 month till my birthday. I have not skipped having some form of celebration for my birthday in many, many (many…because old) years. And I usually have it planned by now. Even during fear-porn, Covid 2020 I did a socially-distanced, outside, driveway birthday party.

But I think 2022 could be the year I skip it.

It’s not a big deal. It is always fun but who really cares. If I had to decide right now, definite skip.

We’ll see.

Has been cloudy and windy and cold all day. In June. Smokey would have loved it. Normally I would have too.

When you tell yourself that you can move forward.

And you can make a life better. But you are not quite ready.

And you stay busy. And active. And try not to be sad.

But then you remember your best friend is gone.

And another best friend lied to your face. More than once. But oh well – oops. And now cannot even confront you. Does not even care enough to deal with it. OK…

So what does that mean for next week. Next month. Next year. No clue really.

My brain is so tired.

Had the house re-stained this week. That was nice. Had put it off the last few years mostly because I’d want the back deck done and that meant several days of no deck access – plus lots of noise – and that was a no-go with Smokey.

It looks really nice. And I bought a couple new deck rugs. I was going to bring out all of my deck furniture and rugs this weekend but we have rain in the forecast all weekend so…no.

But I did go and buy flowers today. And put up my front deck railing boxes, and then did a couple in the back along with 1 barrel. I need more flowers for the rest. But am probably going to wait to finish them until I get everything else out there. I had to stop. I got very, very sad. This was when I normally brought Smokey’s 3 outside beds out to the deck. And he loved to be out there with the rugs, flowers, etc. He really did. He loved, loved, loved winter and snow. But when I got the deck and set up – he was really happy.

I keep trying. But some “triggers” (man I hate that word so much) are just there. I cannot count the amount of times I would look out each evening to look at Smokey sleeping in his deck bed every evening. Like…probably 1x every few minutes. Now I look out and it’s empty. But I still look. Just not as often.

Not really sure how it will go once I get the rugs and furniture out there. Probably more sadness. Smokey should be there.

I keep thinking…I can get another buddy – whose life I could make happy which will make me happy – but it won’t be Smokey. Who made me so happy. But Smokey was not Angelus. Or Storm. And that was actually OK. But it took me a long time to get there then. Still not there now…

I should be in Anaheim right now. Probably eating, drinking and being merry….or at Disneyland. It’s Star Wars Celebration – the one put off since 2020. The one I scored our 4-day badges for in 2019.

But I am not.

They put it off in 2020. Thanks Covid.

They put it off in 2021. Thanks Covid fear-porn.

They announced it for 2022 BUT changed the dates from August to May – Memorial Day weekend. When travel is both expensive and pure suck. F U. But OK.

THEN, they announced all badge holders must be fully vaxxed AND wear a mask all of the time. Well….no thanks. They announced all this not too long after I lost Smokey. I was already in a very bad headspace. But now you want to insist I inject drug trial chemicals into my body? And this is AFTER the State of CA removed any such restrictions? No thanks. Fuck off. I was able to sell our badges to 2 friends who were unable to get them in the pre-sale in 2019, so that was nice. And Sonya was able to nab a VIP via another friend. So that worked out for everyone else – that is good. At least people I care about were able to benefit.

Then they changed it to fully vaxxed or neg test on EACH day of the show about a month ago. Again….fuck off. You can be fully vaxxed and have *and spread* the virus you fn morons. Not sure if they changed anything since then – I stopped looking at the con reqs. Although I did check the flight once again to see if Disneyland was still a possibility. $500 for an hour flight each way. Fuck off. Seriously.

But sad not to be there. Not to be with friends. Not to see fun things and experience it all. And def sad not to visit Disneyland. But mostly sad that the world has come to this and is still like this.

Actually…mostly sad that I wouldn’t have needed a dog sitter for any of this.