a99kitten's Musings

I blog about a WHOLE LOT of stuff :)

Had the house re-stained this week. That was nice. Had put it off the last few years mostly because I’d want the back deck done and that meant several days of no deck access – plus lots of noise – and that was a no-go with Smokey.

It looks really nice. And I bought a couple new deck rugs. I was going to bring out all of my deck furniture and rugs this weekend but we have rain in the forecast all weekend so…no.

But I did go and buy flowers today. And put up my front deck railing boxes, and then did a couple in the back along with 1 barrel. I need more flowers for the rest. But am probably going to wait to finish them until I get everything else out there. I had to stop. I got very, very sad. This was when I normally brought Smokey’s 3 outside beds out to the deck. And he loved to be out there with the rugs, flowers, etc. He really did. He loved, loved, loved winter and snow. But when I got the deck and set up – he was really happy.

I keep trying. But some “triggers” (man I hate that word so much) are just there. I cannot count the amount of times I would look out each evening to look at Smokey sleeping in his deck bed every evening. Like…probably 1x every few minutes. Now I look out and it’s empty. But I still look. Just not as often.

Not really sure how it will go once I get the rugs and furniture out there. Probably more sadness. Smokey should be there.

I keep thinking…I can get another buddy – whose life I could make happy which will make me happy – but it won’t be Smokey. Who made me so happy. But Smokey was not Angelus. Or Storm. And that was actually OK. But it took me a long time to get there then. Still not there now…

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