a99kitten's Musings

I blog about a WHOLE LOT of stuff :)

Been a few days since I’ve broken down and sobbed. So I guess I was due. Spent a couple hours outside cleaning up the yard – picking up broken tree limbs, broken half trees, moving snow off bushes, filling up my green waste bin (1st pick up of the year.) And then my tree, which I have babied for years after planting it as a sapling when I first moved here full-time, duck-taping it all over to save it after the big 16/17 winter – crushed. The snow melted off it this week and it’s crushed. This year continues to exact a toll. A toll which continues to crush me. Circular.

Usually Smokey was out there with me while I did all this. But now no making sure he was fine, looking where he was, seeing him finding the snow piles to lay in. Just me. Just a constant reminder of loss.

Weird year. Loss of best friends is heart-breaking. I’m exhausted every day. Not physically from exercise – which I make sure to do every day to make me tired so I can hopefully sleep. But mentally. Emotionally.

I’ve gone through my life doing my very best not to disappoint people. I don’t know that I have been 100% successful. But no one has ever told me I have not been. But I feel I have been such a bad judge of character over time. Trusting people only to be let down. To be hurt and disappointed. And the best part is they don’t really care that they have done so. From family, old friends, new friends.

I’m going to stick with dogs. If I can convince myself I can be heartbroken that way again. At least they do not let me down. But I don’t know. Just a very alone feeling. Which I am so not used to. But seems embedded now.

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