“The definition of a best friend is a person who you value above other friends in your life, someone you have fun with, someone you trust and someone in whom you confide.”
Naive.. “showing a lack of experience, wisdom, or judgment.”
I’ve always tried to be person you trust. Was I perfect? Probably not. But not on purpose. I’ve also been extremely cynical for decades. But apparently not enough. Because I allowed my guard to be down for my “inner circle”. See definition #2 above.
My father lied to me. My brother lied to me. I love them both, but I do look back with disdain. Friends have lied to me. Honesty is a weird thing. You can hurt people by being honest, that is true. Being unburdened by a lie, but hurting someone else in the process, probably isn’t the policy. But lying to someone’s face on more one occasion.. changes everything.
Not even sure what to think here. Other than I’m a sucker. And I can truly…truly never trust anyone (that is not fluffy).
Went to the river, and the lake this week. First time without Smokey. I cried both times. Tried not to but did. Didn’t want to be downer. Oh well.
I miss Smokey..and Angelus and Storm..with all of my heart. They loved me. They’d protect me. They’d be there for me. And they never lied to my face.
Life is heartbreaking.
Weird day. Woke up up around 5am-ish but after a decent night’s sleep from just about midnight, so that’s good. Checked pre-markets. Boring. But now I was awake. Do I get up and do a Peloton ride? A hike? Or stay in bed? C.
Fell asleep till about 6:25am. Stayed awake for the market open, still boring – no trades. Do I get up and watch the markets? Play my Star Wars game? Do a Peloton ride? Or stay in bed? D.
Finally got out of bed around 8:45am. That is so not me. But did not want to get up. Just set the day off as wrong. I am simply a morning person.
Traded, chores, etc etc. No Peloton ride as trading. Plus just did not feel like it. I made the mistake of opening FB today, and saw my memories. Market closed. I hate Fridays now. Wanted to just curl up and watch TV. Made myself get up, go to post office to drop off sold toy, get mail, go to bank and then decided to get a pedicure.
Then I got sad. Going out in the car, without Smokey, makes me sad every time. Every single time. Thought about going for a walk by the river, or something to be outside. Got even sadder which is why I decided on the pedicure. But it put me in a funk. And still in that funk. We used to go out every morning and every afternoon. And every time I would see the beauty in the clouds, the sky, the snow, the lake, the river, and of course my buddy. Now I just get sad.
Every day since 12.31.2000 I have had a buddy beside me. To have adventures with. A short break from August 2013 – January 2014 where it was not every day. And it was awful. But I cannot get myself out of this funk. I try. It works for a bit. And then it is back.
I am just sad. A broken sad. And I know I need to do whatever it takes to stay out of my head, and stay happy-ish. But I am sad. I keep telling myself I’m OK. But I’m not. I’m not OK. And I won’t be OK. Because lying to yourself about being OK doesn’t make it so. You can’t move past it. Like driving around an accident without looking to see the carnage. You have to move through it. And until you get through it all, you are not OK.
Today week is the 10th “anniversary” of when Angelus died. A decade. It’s really hard to believe. And since my dream the other night, it truly feels like I just saw him. That dream is still full color in my head.
What’s even crazier is that it means it was 22 years ago that we first met. What the f? How is that possible? We picked you up and drove you home on 12.31.00. You were not pleased – understandable since we basically kidnapped you from your mom and pack (in your mind anyway.) I slept with you on the kitchen floor on your first night – you slept half way in/out of your crate while I watched you (and made sure you didn’t have any accidents!
And then you became my best friend. It was that quick. I carried you down to our bedroom to go sleepytime every night after that until I could no longer physically do it and then I’d just say “sleepytime” and you’d follow me. I skooshed you good night every night – and you learned to tolerate it (ish). You went everywhere with me. You taught people who didn’t even know they liked dogs to not only love them, but to buy treats and give them to you on your schedule in your role as Chief Morale Officer.
Angelus was truly the greatest dog. The bestest friend. His personality was incredible. And I loved him.
I can look at his pictures now and not cry. I smile and remember our adventures. And his smile and smiling eyes. I think it took me over a year though. I hope I get there with Smokey. I still cry (sob) at his pictures. He was fixed my heart after Angelus and Storm.
And I miss him. I miss them both. I still have a broken heart.
(and yes of course Stormy too..)
“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” ~Rose Kennedy
Fell asleep easily again last night – that’s good. Woke up wide awake at 3am again – sigh.
Got up, drank more water, tossed, turned, no markets to check. Did finally fall back asleep after at least the 4:30am time check. Had a dream with Law & Order characters (totally normal really) and was back doing some weird crime solving adventure on the coast. And then I saw Angelus. And Storm. And then Smokey. And they all ran to me at various times and were smiling, and happy. And I got to skoosh them all. And it really felt real. Even if just for a second when I woke up.
I woke up around 7am to it snowing. Not as tired as lately. And feeling a little more calm. Decided to be lazy today – no Peloton or walk. Mostly did laptop stuff and easy chores. Housekeeper came. Weekends still suck. Memories still poke at wounds. But seemed a little more out of my head than I have been.
The final BBT was on as I made dinner. That always makes me happy and sad at the same time. Kind of like seeing my buddies in a dream that seems so lifelike.
But it was sure nice – even if just a dream.
Fell asleep last night pretty quickly around 11pm which might be the first time in 9 weeks that I’ve fallen asleep a) quickly and b) before midnight. But I knew it was a full moon so was not optimistic.
Woke up at 3:30am. Tossed and turned for an hour. Gave in and checked the futures, news, played my card trading games, daily Wordle. Considered just getting up and doing a Peloton ride. But I knew I’d be so exhausted later plus getting up early to exercise means going out for a hike. Finally pulled the blanket over my head around 6am after a final look at the market. And fell asleep. Woke up at 7:25am thinking it must be 10. Woke up, traded furiously for 15 minutes (did well so yay) and spent the next couple of hours trying to make the day seem normal again. Sleep has been so out of sync.
Did my Peloton ride at 10:30. Errands after the market closed – yes Safeway was a nightmare (the snow sucks why are there so many fn tourists here???) Actually locked my car – I used to not even think about it since Smokey was there – sticking his head out the window. Wasn’t terribly worried about anyone trying to break in with a wolf-looking creature staring back at them from the back seat. Got home, then did a 2+ hour walk. Opened my mail, put away final winter decor (dumb to keep fighting it I guess) and brought out Easter decor for no good reason. Showered and made dinner and sat down around 7:30 to watch a show. That I cannot concentrate on.
Stayed pretty busy today. Again. Keep staying busy even with lack of good sleep. But I don’t care about any of it. All I wish I could do was go on a hike with Smokey. Remembered our last hike up at Coldwater – was beautiful. I remember the pics I took but know I cannot look at them now. I miss just walking in the forest with him. Knowing we had each other’s back. Knowing he was there.
Plus realized next week will be 10 years since Angelus left me. I truly wish I could crawl in bed and stay there.
He was my best friend.
I cry every day. And am just so tired. Tired of trying to be OK.
Smokey left me on the same day as my brother.
Stormy left me on the same day as my divorce, birthday and R’s bday.
Angelus left me on my wedding anniversary.
Seriously…what the fuck?
The past couple of days I have been keeping myself busy, and doing my very best to not get sad. Trading, working on projects, doing my stupid Peloton, did laundry, cleaned up the garage, going for walks, did errands yesterday. I even decided to finally throw away 1 of the old dog beds. It was actually Angelus’, which then Shadow used and then Smokey. It was so hard to wash, and so old with rips. I even thought, after I bought several new beds for Smokey, that I could finally throw it away. But he still loved it so we kept it. For years. But yesterday – I disassembled it and threw the cover away. I did it.
This morning I woke up to it snowing. Honestly forgot about that in the forecast. But I still held it together. Saw Smokey’s friend Boomer as I dragged the recycling bin up in the snow at 7am, in my PJs and snow boots, and skooshed him. Still held it together.
I even thought after my walk this afternoon that it was good to not be so terribly sad for a little while. #jinx
Then this evening I see that the weather warmed up so much this late afternoon/evening that not only did our fresh snow melt out there but so did a bit more of Smokey’s snow pile. And 1 of Smokey’s buried bones was just sitting there on the deck. I guess it fell out of the frozen pile. Just like as if he left it there to chew on later this evening while I watched a TV show before bed.
Honestly, no way I can throw more of Smokey’s stuff away right now. So I will go back to ignoring the deck and Smokey’s snow piles for now.
So…not as good as I was.
Decided to be a lazy good for nothing loser today. I literally only changed from my pajamas after my shower to a different pair of pajamas.
Woke up tired. And never left that state. I’d like to blame daylight savings (which I hate with the heat of a thousand suns) but pretty sure it was just energy-sucking sadness. Sadness makes you tired in a way that can’t be slept off. Or binged-TV off. Or exercised off. You are just tired.
It was snowing when I woke up. And snowed for like 2 hours while I watched it. Just super light flurries, but it was snow. And I so love it. I do not winter to end. But also am so sad at winter.
Went to dinner last night and it was fine until the inevitable subject of loss came up. And I kept it together for the most part. And tried to play the part of listener. Came home tired. But still turned the TV on, lit my candle, drank glasses of water and gave myself 20 or so minutes before bed. Because that was our routine. Well…minus the candle.
Did zero exercise today (which I felt like a day off was needed anyway even though my brain hates my fucking watch rings.) Bailed on a dinner invitation.
At dinner last night, someone said something about when you tell people you are OK after a very obvious sad event, when you are not. And I said don’t. Just say “I’m not OK. I feel pretty shitty.” If they can’t handle that communication, that’s fine. But you should not have to lie or pretend if these people are your friends. So that’s why I bailed on dinner.
Instead I played my games, listed some toys for sale, watched Young Guns, did laundry, just watched the new episode of The Dropout and now am starting tonight’s The Walking Dead.
Still as tired as when I woke up.
Was just invited over to a neighbor’s house for dinner tonight. Same neighbor whose dog – Smokey’s best friend – just died a few days ago. Who was going to put him down the day before they did – but did not probably partly because of my discussions with their daughter (who was and is still extremely distraught and sad). He was doing OK on his brand new meds and I could not for the life of me understand what the f.
Then the next day, when the daughter was at school, they decided to put him down that day because he had a rough night. Was coughing all night. Had no interest in going out (he had been completely energetic prior to now.) His lips were blue. The vet said he was having a hard getting getting oxygen. I did not see him that day. Not sure longer on the new meds would have made a difference. Or if he would have suffered and gotten worse. The vet supported the decision to delay the day before but was now agreeing so I assume it was the right decision. Even if terribly sad.
But now it’s 3 days later and they are having friends over for dinner? I have to say I am a bit shocked. And have not responded yet. It’s certainly not my place to say how someone should mourn. Everyone handles grief and sadness differently. But 3 days to act like normal and like nothing has happened or is different?
Not really sure how to respond to be honest..
