a99kitten's Musings

I blog about a WHOLE LOT of stuff :)

Weird day. Woke up up around 5am-ish but after a decent night’s sleep from just about midnight, so that’s good. Checked pre-markets. Boring. But now I was awake. Do I get up and do a Peloton ride? A hike? Or stay in bed? C.

Fell asleep till about 6:25am. Stayed awake for the market open, still boring – no trades. Do I get up and watch the markets? Play my Star Wars game? Do a Peloton ride? Or stay in bed? D.

Finally got out of bed around 8:45am. That is so not me. But did not want to get up. Just set the day off as wrong. I am simply a morning person.

Traded, chores, etc etc. No Peloton ride as trading. Plus just did not feel like it. I made the mistake of opening FB today, and saw my memories. Market closed. I hate Fridays now. Wanted to just curl up and watch TV. Made myself get up, go to post office to drop off sold toy, get mail, go to bank and then decided to get a pedicure.

Then I got sad. Going out in the car, without Smokey, makes me sad every time. Every single time. Thought about going for a walk by the river, or something to be outside. Got even sadder which is why I decided on the pedicure. But it put me in a funk. And still in that funk. We used to go out every morning and every afternoon. And every time I would see the beauty in the clouds, the sky, the snow, the lake, the river, and of course my buddy. Now I just get sad.

Every day since 12.31.2000 I have had a buddy beside me. To have adventures with. A short break from August 2013 – January 2014 where it was not every day. And it was awful. But I cannot get myself out of this funk. I try. It works for a bit. And then it is back.

I am just sad. A broken sad. And I know I need to do whatever it takes to stay out of my head, and stay happy-ish. But I am sad. I keep telling myself I’m OK. But I’m not. I’m not OK. And I won’t be OK. Because lying to yourself about being OK doesn’t make it so. You can’t move past it. Like driving around an accident without looking to see the carnage. You have to move through it. And until you get through it all, you are not OK.

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