a99kitten's Musings

Every day I try to get up early now, look at the markets, look at my games, trade, exercise, stay busy, work on home projects, exercise again, make dinner, binge watch shows, read, etc etc etc.

I stay busy. I keep my brain occupied. I chit chat on my walks and it feels good to be out of head. It’s why I need the Peloton apps on my alone walks, and TV on when I’m at home. No quiet time.

Because when I let my brain relax, when things are quiet, I get sad. And I cry. And I know it’s healthy to let it out. But every night seems bad.

So I try not to sometimes.

And I’m pretty tired. Really, really, tired.

What I want is to spend the say curled up in bed, or on the sofa, under blankets in the dark watching TV or sleeping. And I tell myself I am going to do that tomorrow. But then I do not. Because that is not healthy.

No matter what bad shit has happened in my life, I have not allowed myself more than a NyQuil dose of sleep.

Still tired though.

Smokey’s best friend Thunder passed over the rainbow bridge tonight. Today is also the 2 month “anniversary” of Smokey’s passing. I hope Thunder finds Smokey.

I looked through my pictures to find cute ones of Smokey & Thunder. I did find some cute ones. And sobbing. My soul is broken all over again.

Fuck 2022. Truly.

I’m trying. I really, really am. But it doesn’t work. At least not for very long.

Friday I made a few trades, worked on home junk, and did multiple exercise sessions. It was starting to snow early and flurries and wind all day. Then my neighbor asked if they could bring their dog by for a hello. I thought it was to check in on me, but I think it was a way for them to prepare to say goodbye soon. Thunder came in and immediately stole 1 of Smokey’s toys. I said he could have it – Smokey would like that. Thunder was his best friend from his first week or so here and he was always so happy to see him. Thunder has def aged in the last couple of months. And this breaks my heart some more.

Yesterday, I worked on my toy projects and took a long walk as it was snowing. Started crying towards the end – cool. I also snowshoed to my “crawl space” in the AM as the door opened up and set off my alarm in the middle of the night #superfun Assumed it was not a serial killer and waited till the AM to deal with it. Found a dead mouse inside as soon as I checked the door. Great. Locked it up – the exterminator will have to deal with that. But I realized I missed snowshoeing. A lot. But I also realized I have literally never snowshoed without a buddy. So…nevermind. And then binge watched 3 hours of The Dropout before trying to fall asleep and not being able to until well past midnight. Again.

Today I goofed around on my dumb Star Wars and Disney games for way too long, did some home project junk, multiple exercise sessions, shoveled my driveway and am now trying to finish being caught up on The Walking Dead.

But guess what – after watching The Dropout and realizing I didn’t really read much about the whole Theranos debacle other than knowing it was one, I read a few Vanity Fair articles about her and low and behold – she adopted a husky puppy (who she would claim was a wolf) and took him to work every day. Of course she did.

Then watching The Walking Dead, all I do is worry about the fate of Dog – a GS or Malinois. Eat the humans? Sure. Please keep this dog safe. Darryl got him some good snacks in the latest episode I am watching.

I simply cannot escape constant reminders to make me remember and be sad of my loss. No matter what I do. No matter what projects I do, what exercise I do, or what random TV shows or movies I watch. That is my daily life. Constant reminders. 8 weeks in. 8 weeks since my heart broke…again. Feels like a decade so far. I have also aged in the last couple of months.

Today I sat down on the stairs to tie my snow boots to go for a walk. Like I’ve done almost every day for years and years. But unlike at least 2x a day for the past 8 years, I did not get a Smokey kiss, or skoosh as I did it. It’s still heartbreaking. And I cried.

It’s been almost 2 months. I feel like I cannot get past this loss. And perhaps because I’ve forged my way forward past other losses in my life because that’s simply what you have to do. You suck it up. But it’s tiring. Maybe just too many. Every day I still cry. I mourn. I wake up aimlessly. I used to pop out of bed no matter how tired, how cold outside and say let’s go for a walk. Snowing? Raining? Who cares. And Smokey made sure I did. Now, I do not.

Now I move throughout my day aimlessly. I try to fill it with trading and exercise and projects and games to keep my brain from turning to mush, seeing my neighbors for walks or dinners and binge watching TV at night to keep the noise going as I fall asleep so I do not have to deal with the quiet – which I used to love. But now I hate.

But it’s all filler. It’s all stuff I’ve always done every day in between walks and hikes and snowshoe adventures, and beach visits, errands with my buddy as a co-pilot, and taking a million pictures to share of my best friend so the world who followed could smile too. And skooshing all the time, and making his homemade food, and cleaning up after his fur, and crumbs. All of the daily adventures we had, and making sure to say good morning and goodnight. And many hugs in between. And knowing we were doing it all again the next day.

Now I just have the filler.

Day started fine. Woke up, made some trades, made a little money, worked on projects, did a ride – felt pretty ok.

Had to hit up the grocery store before the combo of snow and the weekend aka tourist hell. It’s actually really weird to leave my house in a car without Smokey. So I get sad every single time. And then Safeway was a hellhole and the amount of skier assholes in there was fn ridiculous. I hate it here now.

Then I had to get gas. I’ve put it off for almost 2 weeks – luckily I don’t go anywhere. You’d think the stupid amount of money you spend at the pump would be the sad part of the trip. But no. As I was there, a jeep pulled up with a husky mix in the front. I recognized him. And then the guy called him Smokey. Yep – he was the dog my Smokey played with a few times at the park. They had the best time running around the forest the first time they met. K….kept it together.

Came home, put everything away and decided to do a walk to get outside and clear my head. My walking partner neighbor is out of town so it would be alone. My first walk alone since losing Smokey. Decided to do a Peloton Outside walk so I was not “alone”. Was going along fine – fun. Then I saw the fucking piece of shit asshole who lives in our neighborhood who has 2 vicious fuckhead dogs. Dogs who have lunged at my dogs since Angelus and Storm. Dogs who attacked Smokey multiple times. Dogs who I reported to the police.

Without Smokey, I went ahead and crossed the street and kept doing my Peloton Outside walk and ignored them. This fn guy lets his dogs go out on their extend-o leashes as they were snarling and barking (as they do to everyone, every time) and inches away from me. Like…WHAT THE FUCK. So I stopped and looked at him and flipped him off in his face and kept walking. The next time, I am taking my phone out and videoing the encounter. And then telling him I am reporting to the cops again. Fn asshole.

Then home, calmed myself down, put everything away from store and mail, looked for a new hoodie online, did household junk and then took a shower. Started dinner and played my trading games while cooking. Then saw I had a boatload of FB notifications so opened the app to clear it and see if missed a birthday. FIRST FN THING ON THE SCREEN is an awful/sad dog related post on out locals FB page. I immediately closed the app. I do not know what the post was about – just that is started out – first 2 lines – awfully and had a pics of a dog. Did not need to read anything more to know it was awful and would make me even sadder.

The last time I opened FB, same thing happened. I think this is a sign to delete this from my phone. I can not handle this crap right now. And possibly ever. All that is going through my head right now is what happened. But I refuse to look. Because I will cry.

Truly exhausted right this second. I want to just go to bed and curl up but not sleepy exhausted. Just exhausted. I hate everything.

So yeah, F 2022.

I’ve come home from my afternoon walk and shoveled the back deck for 2 days now – Monday and Tuesday. I cleared from the sliding glass door to the front of the BBQ, and a path to the stairs and railing. Like I would for Smokey. But not as much as I would for him, but started. Plus cleared about 1 foot off the giant pile that was his.

It’s been the first time I’ve gone out there since he left me.

I got very sad yesterday after doing it so decided not to do it today. I decided that already on my walk. But I still looked out there tonight.

Then I saw them. The paw prints. In the newly-shoveled, topped-off snow pile. So I went out there. The snow was soft, so I know they were new. I touched the snow – yep. Soft. But paw prints all around. I looked at the pile of snow on the stairs and see them there too.

I know they are not Smokey’s. I don’t live in a fantasy world. I would imagine a coyote. Although that seems odd since that has never, ever happened and they are so skittish. But with Smokey gone, and a snow pile highway right up to the deck, maybe they smelled a buried treat and felt brazen enough? Smokey loved to bury his treats so I am sure there is at least 1 out there.

I know they are not Smokey’s. But I am not going to lie and say that when I first saw them, I didn’t look around for that milisecond before my analytical brain kicked in.

Or maybe they were Smokey’s…

Finally decided to watch an episode of The Walking Dead tonight. I’m behind from last season and this is the final season so I want to watch it. I want to see how they wrap it all up. But I have been very hesitant. I did not put my finger on why until tonight.

Judith gets sad and says “they’re all gone” and starts to cry. And so did I. Not because of the characters on the show she is referring to but because this is the first time I am watching this show alone – without a buddy.

This show started in 2010. I remember making Angelus come inside so I could lock the door because it was creeping me out.

And Smokey – he *always* went to sit outside on the deck when I would watch because he could sense my stress. I think he really hated this show. He could pick on my stress easier than anyone. But I always made sure to skoosh him and tell him it was just TV. And I always tried to hide my jumping and screaming at the show. But he always knew.

I cannot believe this show has been on since 2010. My life has changed so much while I watch these characters – and go see them every year at their panel at SDCC.

But I cannot believe I am now watching the end of it alone. Not sure I will make it through. We’ll see how it goes.

March 1st. New month. Still hate 2022.

Decided to step back into trading a bit. We’ll see how that goes. Perfect timing with market volatility, daily headline crashes, war on the table, inflation, morons in charge (and by perfect I am being sarcastic…) See how long I want to deal.

Started keeping a daily journal of exercise, food intake, projects, etc. I could just keep it here but it’s just easier to jot it down as I do stuff. I needed another notebook going (have 1 for crypto, LT trade ideas and notes, projects and chores and stuff I want to watch, read, etc. lol)

Did more biking, walking *and* shoveling today. Less sore/pain though so that’s nice. Although exhausted as had another SVT episode last night. About 3 hours awake from 2:30-5:30am. Kind of another reason I started the journal. 2 in one week is odd.

Was nice to do anther long walk with my neighbor and her dogs. But got extra sad on today’s walk. I really miss walking with Smokey. I miss everything about him but really, really miss that.

Also – has there always been so many commercials about dogs on TV? Kinda tough.

Did my first Peloton bike class today. Not a live one, a recorded one. Just tested a 15 minute class to see how I do. While shorter than my last 2 weeks of biking, we did a lot changing resistance, standing, sitting, etc. Not going to lie – kind of hated it. But will keep trying. I think I need to ease into that – a couple days of doing a class and the other days doing my free rides.

Did a long afternoon walk which was nice. Haven’t done a walk in a few days. Altho was pretty warm and sunny – that sucks. But snow and colder weather on the way this week supposedly. And was noticeably quieter here now that the holiday weekend bleed into ski week is over. Good fn riddance.

Then came home and moved an ice block about 2×3 feet big and at least 1 foot thick – it came off the roof and bounced off my generator roof and was now blocking it. Sigh. I’m not that strong – but was able to push that sucker off the other ice block that it landed on and leave it on my driveway where the sun should hit it tomorrow. See if I can break it up then.

Then shoveled my driveway to remove some ice and slush. And put ice melt in front of my bear box as for some reason, it’s an ice rink up there.

Then shoveled some snow off my back deck. I have not set foot on my back deck since losing Smokey. That was “his room”. His favorite place when there was snow, and most times really. And where he had his seizure. But I did it. Cleared a path. But then stopped. Enough for now.

I am so sore. And tired. Like – kinda of painful. Maybe that’s what I need – just be physically exhausted & sore all of the time.

Now I need a little BBT. Or Chicago PD.

Not gonna lie, last night and today – I didn’t get out of my pajamas. I was sad. I wanted to try for a walk this AM and pulled my clothes out. And then said no. I cried last night. I cried this morning. Weekends just suck. I do not have the routine of my “work” week. So then it highlights the loss of my real routine for the last 8 years.

My neighbors invited me for dinner so I geared myself and told myself I had to go. So mid afternoon, I did some work on projects for about 2 hours and took a shower and finally put on outside pants.

Dinner was nice. We chatted, ate yummy food, drank bubbly. I keep trying to convince everyone I know that we need a compound. I feel if I push this enough, someone will agree with me lol.

But I also got to skoosh 3 buddies. This makes me sad and happy at the same time. I want to cry, but smile at the same time.

All that lives must die, passing through nature to eternity (says Shakespeare).

It’s not easy to remember that. Or be OK with that. But it just is.