The phenomenon of starting to sob out of nowhere is weird. Very weird.
I’ll have eaten dinner, cleaned up, putting away some stuff – all perfectly fine. Then I sit down and start to sob. Not tear up. Not get a little sad. Sob. Or working on project, cleaning, take a shower, whatever. And with no obvious trigger, sobbing.
I must have done this with Angelus. I can recall the complete desolation I felt then. But I do not recall the out of the blue sobbing. I do recall crying after losing Stormy, especially when I would be watching Shadow and it was time for him to go. But that had an impetus.
But it’s quite possible that I have candy-coated those memories because then I had Smokey to make me smile very day. So the pain felt then is no longer the top. But now it is. And now there is no candy coating. I just miss my best pal so much. It hurts. He was there for me every day. All day. All of the time.
This…this is just deep sadness. I guess. One could say it’s been almost 7 weeks. One could also say it’s only been 7 weeks. I don’t know. Just sad.
I had a nice week. Helen was here. We hung out, cooked (mostly she did), ate, drank bubbly, binge-watched trashy Shonda TV and even got a mani/pedi today. I made some trades. I Pelotoned. Listed stuff on eBay. Went for some walks. Heck, I even Wordled.
But it’s Friday night again. And as I get ready to go to bed I remember that a Friday night just a few weeks ago was the last night Smokey was OK. Perfectly OK and as awesome as always. And then he woke me up Saturday AM and we went for our walk and then about 2 hours later my life crumbled into sadness. And I cannot shake this. Every Friday night I feel this way. And then every Saturday. And Sunday. This is why I hate weekends right now.
I’m trying. I really am.
I’m just so sad every day. And tired. I have been exercising pretty much every day but it’s not a physical tired – it’s mental exhaustion. Smokey made me happy. Every day. Now that is gone.
I wish I could not be for just 1 day.
Now a 3-day weekend for me to try and stay busy without the market. Great.
Busy day today – carpet cleaners were here and moving stuff around for them, etc etc. And trading. And my goofy Star Wars game. And made myself go for a long walk. The light was perfect as it was sunset (and super cold and windy) and it would have been a great walk with Smokey on the ridge where I took beautiful pictures of him for everyone to smile at.
A good friend called me this AM and would not take no for an answer about talking to me on the phone and not text to make sure I was ok. And by the end I was smiling.
I have stayed off social media, other than my stock lists on twitter, since Smokey left. I went on FB tonight to say HB to an old, good (different) friend whose birthday was Monday. A friend who didn’t ping me or even a general “I’m sorry” to me via social media after Smokey. Only realized that on Monday – her birthday. Whatever. People have lives, families, etc. It’s fine. I’ve checked out anyway.
Then I saw her post from this evening that her mom had a heart attack over the weekend. My first reaction was to ping her, see how she was doing. To wish her mom well. And then I didn’t. I commented on her FB post. And that was it. It’s what Facebook is for, right?
And then I saw Smokey’s pictures show up on FB. And cried. Closed – back to my ban.
I’m too tired to care right now. People can have their families. Their jobs. Their lives. I get it. I probably get it more than most. But don’t expect more from me either. I’ve tried to be there a lot. For many. Just do not have it in me right now.
It’s snowing today. First time since the first week of January. First time since Smokey left.
We would have been up and out early to get the fresh snow up on the ridge. He would have been smiling. Making sure to rub on all of the bushes with fresh snow as he got it all over him. He loved to do that SO much. He smiled every time.
So yeah…not a good morning for me so far.
Superbowl Sunday and I have zero plans. Did not plan a party obviously. And no one that I know locally seems to be doing anything either. Quite honestly not even sure I will watch it. Having a shit load of feelings today.
Finally decided to gift away Smokey’s leftover prescription food. The local shelter could not take it and suggested seeing if someone locally needed it since it’s so expensive.
I’ve had it in the garage but every time I thought about listing it, I just left the garage. Finally decided to list it on Nextdoor last night and got a response fairly quickly. Guy was supposed to come this AM but then I had second thoughts. I looked at his profile and it seems he lost a dog (and never seems to have found) last year. That made me feel yucky. Messaged him this morning and asked him if his dog had liver or kidney issues or was on a prescription diet and he responded no – that he thought it was just regular food (so I guess not even reading the words in my post or looking at the pictures – just saw the word FREE.) So I said never mind.
Then within a few minutes another person sent a message saying they had older dogs who were just put on the liver and kidney diets. I checked out their profile and they seemed to be active locals. I moved the food into my entry way and immediately started sobbing.
Smokey was such a picky eater. Always was. Although got even more so as he got older. When his kidney values came back higher a couple of years ago, the vet said to lower his pure protein intake but no reason to put him on the prescription diet yet as they were just on the high side of normal. So I made him his food usually and gave him low protein kibble with it. Which he seemed to enjoy. Usually.
But then this past October, he got very sick, seemingly overnight but that can’t be factual. His kidney values were about the same but his liver values were so high they thought he would go into liver failure.
After a week of daily fluids at the vet and 2 rounds of antibiotics, I switched him to the prescription diet – switching between kidney and liver. Turns out – he really liked both flavors. And gobbled up his food. I wonder if he felt sick over the past couple of years and just never showed it? I just don’t know. And I know it does not do me any good to second guess everything but I can’t help it. That’s fun.
The couple just came to pick up the food and were so grateful. They talked about their dogs – 1 with kidney issues and 1 with liver issues – and offered their condolences. I’m happy someone can use it for their buddies.
But heartbroken that I no longer need it.
Had a really good night’s sleep. Odd. Especially since I was exhausted yesterday. Physically and mentally. I was truly ready for bed at around 7pm. And yet I stayed awake until around midnight. Woke up once while it was still dark, rolled over, back to sleep until like 6:30am.
Stayed busy and active all day. Sat down for like an hour all day. Well..plus sat on my Peloton. Made sure to stay busy. Do not think about anything other than getting crap done. And then did 5 miles on my Peloton and then a 2 hour afternoon walk.
Got home after walk, shoveled ice, did more inside stuff. Showered. Made dinner. Ate dinner. Sat down. Then cried. Of course I did. Saw a picture of Smokey. This is very hard. And not getting any better. I know I have gone thought this before. Several times. Differently, but the same. Yet this feel different..maybe since I am all alone.
And now it is the weekend again so I do not have the markets to waste time and brain power on. Last week I had a “busy” social calendar – invited to dinner Wed night, Sun night, Mon night. Kept my brain busy at least.
But no..not really getting any better. I can only stay moving for so many hours per day. Every night I say I am going to curl up and stay in bed the next day. Every morning I do not. One of these will break soon.
Went to an appointment today and the lady opened her door as she said “hey how are you” and then instantly asked me what was wrong. And moved me into her office. I told her Smokey died. She teared up and said she knew something awful happened. She knew because she said I was always smiley and happy. And now I was not.
Honestly did not realize I was transparent to the outside. I must look pretty awful. But no – I am not happy. At any point in the day.
She said she just had to put her dog down in November. That it was so awful. And she was sure she would never get another dog. That it was too hard.
Yes it is.
I’ve never been one to care that much about Valentine’s Day.
I remember as a kid you exchange those small cards with classmates and we always had cupcakes and candy – probably not allowed now because you are either shaming someone, someone has an allergy, someone will be offended, you are assuming a 7 year old’s gender, etc etc. Some stupid pile of steaming shit.
When I had a boyfriend, I did like getting flowers – flowers are pretty. When I didn’t, I always had friends and we did stuff so who cares.
When I had a husband, well…he was not the best at planning. I did like receiving flowers at work because of course you do – especially when everyone else does. But he thought it was stupid to pay 2-3x for the same flowers as any other day. True – makes sense. But still… Also…didn’t get many flowers on all those other days. But anyone who says they don’t like being thought of on a day that is made to make you feel bad if you don’t is lying.
And since being divorced, I truly have not give much thought to Valentine’s Day. Other than the fact that the commercials, and the commercial-ness, on this “holiday” have gotten beyond stupid (can be said for most holidays though.) It went from a “tell the person you love that you love them” to buy them a car or diamonds and it’s really a holiday for your entire family and if you do not receive a house full of flowers and gifts no matter from who you are a complete loser.
But what I realized last night (after yet another barrage of dumb ads – looking at you Kay) is that I have always had a fluffy best friend to hang out with on V Day, no matter what, ever since 2001. I have never spent a Valentine’s Day without my dog(s). Until this year. And had a cat before that…so like 1996? But not in 2022.
So yeah, now I truly hate this holiday.
It’s been 1 month since I lost Smokey. Was 4 weeks this past Sunday but today is the “1 month”. I didn’t even realize it was the 9th until mid morning.
It’s hard to believe it has already been so long. I’ve tried to keep myself extra busy today to not focus on it. Pretty impossible since every single thing in this house, in this neighborhood, everywhere, reminds me of our daily routine and life. And how different it all is now.
On one of today’s afternoon walks with my neighbor and her dogs (I did 2 today with 2 different neighbors to stay outside and busy), I saw 2 different people who would always smile and wave (and stop to say hi if they were out walking and not just driving by) every time they saw us. One lady always stopped to chit chat and let her dog say hi to Smokey. Neither did that today because I am sure they did not recognize me. I did not have Smokey. Everyone knew Smokey – even if they did not know me as anything but Smokey’s mom.
Still cry every day. Still light a candle every evening. I still say goodnight to him and tell him I love him every night. I know I will someday not do this – at least the crying part – but I don’t know when.
