Whenever Smokey and I would come back from a neighbor’s dinner or party or whatever, we still had to have our nighttime routine. Even truncated down to 15-20 minutes if we got home late. Get home, mom puts on her PJs, washes her face, gives Smokey his post-dinner treats (even if he had treats at the party etc) then Mom sits down, turns TV on, check email, check markets, etc. But sits there in the living room while Smokey has his treat and settles in.
Then after 10-15 minutes, I could take my vitamins, brush my teeth etc. Give Smokey nighttime skooshes, turn off lights etc. But there was zero chance we could just do that when we got home. Smokey and I had our routines – many of them – and there was no changing that. But that’s OK, it was comforting.
I remember trying to just go to bed if we got home late (my neighbor dinners can go late) but then he would just pace around the house, unsettled. So having this routine, even if shortened, made everything ok. Why would I not do that.
My neighbor had me over for dinner a few days ago. And then another neighbor dinner tonight. And I have another tomorrow. I truly appreciate that everyone is concerned about me. But coming home to no routine breaks my heart.
Just when I think I might be a little bit better, I realize that I am not. At all.
4 weeks ago I was at the vet all day with Smokey. 4 weeks and 1 day ago, everything was great.
But I do not even remember Saturday night 4 weeks ago. I remember bringing him home after 6pm. I remember he was sedated and I wanted him to sleep. Hopefully getting rest so his body would heal. Even a little.
I remember coming home. And I remember setting up camp on the sofa to watch him all night. But what did I do all evening? Did I skoosh him? Did I tell him I loved him? I don’t know. All I am doing is crying right now. Why didn’t I just lay down with him all evening? And all night? Was I hoping that all would be better in the morning? I knew better. What the fuck did I do? I want to throw up.
Most Fridays over the last few years, we’d go for our afternoon walk. Come home, do some chores, get Smokey his dinner, then shower, start Smokey on his post-dinner treats, have a glass of wine or bubbly, make my dinner, give my Smokey another treat, eat my dinner, clean up after dinner, give Smokey another treat. Then settle in, check stock stuff, check email, check anything on my phone and put that on the charger, and finally watch a show to relax after the week or work/trading/whatever. And give Smokey his final treat before he settled in.
Today, I did this. Minus anything to do with Smokey.
So really – I did everything but have my best friend there.
I cannot settle in. I cannot not relax. I am tired. Exhausted actually. But that’s different. I’m just sad.
Tried going on a walk yesterday. Was going to try in the early AM – but could not. Really not ready for that yet. Had appliance repair showing up anytime after 11am so told myself after they were done, I could go. They were gone by 1pm and I got dressed to go. But did not.
At 4pm, I said I had to do this. Even just a short one. Got out, walked up the street about 4 houses and saw my neighbor and her 2 dogs (Smokey’s good friends). They were so happy to see me it was impossible not to smile. She invited me back to her house for dinner and wine and I just said yes without thinking.
It was nice to see another human, skoosh buddies, kind of talk it out in between talking about other random subjects like TV shows. Share Veuve. Walked home around 10pm but sad instantly when I got home. Finally fell asleep around midnight.
Did not sleep well.
Had a complete breakdown around 10am. Good times.
It’s been so hard for me to do anything. My brain is unfocused. Foggy. Whether it’s trading, researching stocks, crypto (took me 3 days to manage to complete a swap that should have taken 10 minutes), home projects, even placing a stupid Sephora order. I cannot complete anything – I start, I get sad or distracted or just zone out. I pace all the damn time because I cannot just sit down. But when I think about actual exercise – I can’t. Basically – a fn mess.
Had to go to the dentist this afternoon, and then Ace for more ice melt and then pick up mail. Got home and said ok – I’m already dressed so I need to go out for a walk. And I did. Actually texted same neighbor and she was just going out on her walk so we did our “short neighborhood loop”. Then saw another other neighbor out with his dog. Told me they were getting worried about me and that he was so happy to see me out. We chatted about random stuff and then dogs.
Glad I went out on a cold afternoon walk. Glad I saw people. But sad again.
Thursday is Chicago PD day. And I have a Boba Fett ep. Will try to distract myself. And try to get to sleep early. I think 2 days of talking to other humans exhausted me. Or maybe it was just multiple conversations of how I am doing. Which is not great but no one wants to hear that.
Last night I said I needed to go for a walk. I needed to exercise. Or at least move around not in my pajamas.
I got up early, got dressed, rolled my recycling can up my incredibly icy driveway in the pretty darn chilly morning. Set my recycling can and looked up the street. The street I started our walks on. In the cold AMs Smokey loved. Started to cry. Went back home, put on my pajamas and have barely left the couch.
I’ll try again tomorrow.
Third day of complete meltdown mode. Not sure what the hell but cannot even focus on anything clearly. At all.
Tried working on projects over the weekend. Got some stuff done. Realized it was my first full weekend alone. Lost Smokey on a Sunday. H stayed through till the following Sun AM. Ed came to visit last weekend. And now here I was.
Weekdays are a little easier as I read about stocks, go into my trading groups, mindlessly read finance twitter. It’s really been hard to focus on anything though. Like..at all.
Then last night I saw that Alexa was down. Then noticed my Smokey picture screensaver was gone. I assume H or E did this. Or Alexa knew to do it. But I re-added pictures. I felt I was awful for not having them there. Well..then I kept seeing them. I cried like 6 times today. So I cancelled that function for now.
I realized today that I moved into this house full time 9 years ago. I had Stormy here with me for 9 months. Then alone for 5 months. Then Smokey for next 8 years. This house is a constant memory of Smokey. And I think I chose this house to live (versus the bay area house) because that house was a constant memory of Angelus and Storm. So I left it. Now here I am.
It’s been a rough day. And weekend. And month. I can only hope February is better. Even just a little bit better would be welcome.
Maybe I need a day or 3 where I simply do not get out of bed. Because trying to move on and do stuff is not working.
Well, we lost to the Rams. To be honest, I’m truly surprised we made it this far so go team. And in a way, kinda relieved. If we won I would have to decide to either blow the money and go since it’s in LA or host a party. Either option – I am not in the head space for.
And it will be pretty easy to not care about a LA – CIN Superbowl.
Besides, my close friends never come any way. And my local friends/neighbors who come really do not care about football. So it’s just a reason to have a party. Which is perfectly acceptable and fun. But again…not right now.
I spent all day thinking about the game as I worked on projects. I have not sat down since around 9:30am. The entire game – I paced around, did stuff, made dinner.
Now that the game is over, I am finally sitting down and eating dinner. And typing this. And remembering it is Sunday. A day which I now hate for a while.
Why did they change Chewbacca’s look (aka costume but he is a real Wookiee so not a costume so whatever..) in the new trilogy?
Had the Star Wars TNT marathon on last night after the Marvel marathon on some other channel. So had the last part of The Last Jedi on and then Rise of Skywalker. And then just now, turned on TNT and the best movie ever made in all of the history of movies is on…The Empire Strikes Back. That’s the Chewie I love the best.
But if you compare fluff – he’s way bulkier in the final trilogy. I know it’s a different actor for the bulk of the final trilogy but obviously that should not matter.
It annoys me. Not in a psychotic nutjob post my hate all over the internet and any fan forum or story kind of way that people love to do, but it annoys me.
But I love Chewie. No matter what. I guess maybe he got his winter coat (although he did not that on Hoth…)
I have no dog fluff to vacuum.
No paw prints to wash off the floor.
No cookie crumbs to sweep up.
No pigs ears crumbles to wipe up.
No dog towels to wash.
No dog bowls to clean.
No food cans to rinse and recycle.
No boxes to break down from new treat arrivals.
I fn hate it.
