Third day of complete meltdown mode. Not sure what the hell but cannot even focus on anything clearly. At all.
Tried working on projects over the weekend. Got some stuff done. Realized it was my first full weekend alone. Lost Smokey on a Sunday. H stayed through till the following Sun AM. Ed came to visit last weekend. And now here I was.
Weekdays are a little easier as I read about stocks, go into my trading groups, mindlessly read finance twitter. It’s really been hard to focus on anything though. Like..at all.
Then last night I saw that Alexa was down. Then noticed my Smokey picture screensaver was gone. I assume H or E did this. Or Alexa knew to do it. But I re-added pictures. I felt I was awful for not having them there. Well..then I kept seeing them. I cried like 6 times today. So I cancelled that function for now.
I realized today that I moved into this house full time 9 years ago. I had Stormy here with me for 9 months. Then alone for 5 months. Then Smokey for next 8 years. This house is a constant memory of Smokey. And I think I chose this house to live (versus the bay area house) because that house was a constant memory of Angelus and Storm. So I left it. Now here I am.
It’s been a rough day. And weekend. And month. I can only hope February is better. Even just a little bit better would be welcome.
