a99kitten's Musings

I blog about a WHOLE LOT of stuff :)

I have not had a Mom to wish Happy Mother’s Day to since 2002 (although in reality even before then.)

I have been a doggie Mom since 2001. Not this year.

I forgot it was mom’s day this Sunday. Until every commercial on TV, every sale email, and displays at the grocery store, and even post office have reminded me over and over yesterday today. Yet another reason to tell 2022 to fuck off.

Today has sucked. This week has sucked. I feel I have aged 10 years in 5 months. I will throw this week it on the pyre that is 2022 – like all of the other weeks.

Not sure what is wrong with me that I never learn.

I have told myself social media is off limits. My pictures are off limits. But it’s one of my favorite days, so I clicked through my FB memories. Mostly, I was trying to remember what I BBQed last year on this day as I watched Solo – I remember that part – what was on. And Smokey watching me use my (new-ish) grill. But I could not remember if it was chicken or beef. Should not have mattered. Idiot.

So instead I just got sad. And cried.

I always try to make this day a fun day. Even though it’s a silly “holiday”. I have no one to celebrate it with so it is kind of ridiculous. But oh well. But today my dad had his doctor appointment and turns out, as we suspected, that he might have lung cancer. Not really a surprise since he has smoked since he was like 9 (go dad). He needs to get a biopsy so I’ll know more in a week or so. And then I get to make medical decisions. Yay.

So then I went for a walk. Showered. Made dinner. Had Star Wars movies playing. But then stupidly looked through FB pics from today.

I should know better. But I guess not. I try every day to stay happy(ish). To stay out of my head. Being broken sucks. 2022 can fuck itself.

Woke up this morning, got out of bed and instantly my legs – thighs, calves, feet, ankles, glutes – were all SORE.

I have been Peloton-ing pretty much daily since February. Walking daily (again) since about then too. January was a month off. But I garden for a few hours, clearing snow from bushes, cutting branches, raking (directly after my 90 minute power walk but still) and all of a sudden I feel 75 year old. wtf?

Just as sore again this morning so I took today off from exercise besides a 40 minute neighborhood walk. I was not going to do one at all but when I went outside to do a neighbor a favor, it was so quiet. So peaceful. And chilly and windy. I had to do a walk this AM. But no ride, no extras. And did a classical music walk. Was nice.

After that I dug out my old CD/DVD rom, attached to my old/old (I have 3….doh) laptop, found my old buddy DVD and uploaded pics of Angelus and Storm. Did not have as much iPhone and def not social media with them so want to make sure to not lose those memories. Looking through all of those made me smile. Then loaded some old CDs – man iTunes f’ed me. Thanks Apple. Lost all my old music. But I did not pay attention so it’s on me. But F U Apple anyway. Made a play list for walks – then gave up. Too much technology on the day lol

By 5pmish I was still sore as hell. So decided I should hot tub it. After shower, dinner, and clean-up and laundry, around 8:30pm I did. I can only take about 15 minutes in there (why I consider it such a bother) before I am cooked. Plus, first time out there without a husky checking on me, keeping an eye on me. Making sure I was safe. Felt weird to be honest. Not entirely relaxing, but right now my feet and calves are feeling the zen. Let’s see if better tomorrow.

Been a few days since I’ve broken down and sobbed. So I guess I was due. Spent a couple hours outside cleaning up the yard – picking up broken tree limbs, broken half trees, moving snow off bushes, filling up my green waste bin (1st pick up of the year.) And then my tree, which I have babied for years after planting it as a sapling when I first moved here full-time, duck-taping it all over to save it after the big 16/17 winter – crushed. The snow melted off it this week and it’s crushed. This year continues to exact a toll. A toll which continues to crush me. Circular.

Usually Smokey was out there with me while I did all this. But now no making sure he was fine, looking where he was, seeing him finding the snow piles to lay in. Just me. Just a constant reminder of loss.

Weird year. Loss of best friends is heart-breaking. I’m exhausted every day. Not physically from exercise – which I make sure to do every day to make me tired so I can hopefully sleep. But mentally. Emotionally.

I’ve gone through my life doing my very best not to disappoint people. I don’t know that I have been 100% successful. But no one has ever told me I have not been. But I feel I have been such a bad judge of character over time. Trusting people only to be let down. To be hurt and disappointed. And the best part is they don’t really care that they have done so. From family, old friends, new friends.

I’m going to stick with dogs. If I can convince myself I can be heartbroken that way again. At least they do not let me down. But I don’t know. Just a very alone feeling. Which I am so not used to. But seems embedded now.

I have been staying off social media ever since Smokey died. I have posted a few pics lately of food or toys but I post and then close. I saw a few birthday notifications on FB so addressed those – but then closed. I do not scroll down, I do not want to see my memories, I do not want to see other stuff that will make me sad.

I have opened and kept up to date on my Twitter FinTwit list because of trading but have not veered from that list except for my tahoe list during the snow storm.

I’m sure my friends are posting fun or annoying things but I am staying away from it all.

And then tonight, I posted on TWTR that I finished Mare of Easttown. Heavy. But good. Only 7 episodes so I was able to “binge” it this week.

Then I opened Instagram because I have multiple notifications there and that fn annoys the shit out of me. With FB and TWTR, I just open and close the app and it clears them without seeing them. But the first thing I saw on Insta was an account I follow – Loki – saying how he might have some kidney issues. Maybe not so bad though. But then he might have some spleen/cancer issues. He’s 9.5.

I was just almost getting to the point where I might consider adopting a dog in the future. Not now. Nowhere near now. Because I’d just be looking for Smokey. And that’s not fair. But I was not longer saying it would never happen. But then I read this about Loki and cried. Because I’ve been through this exact issue. Kidney stuff with Smokey (although he came through it) and spleen issues with Angelus – and he did not. I am just not sure how many times you can break your heart in 1 life time.

Analytically, I know that making a dog’s life amazing is making his whole life amazing. And even though you lose them too soon in human years – you’ve made their life. And that’s the best thing. I know that. But I just don’t know how many times I can take that loss.

So now I just do not know.

Also – going back to zero social media.

Funny things cause emotional reactions. I am mostly (but not completely) past just sobbing at the sight of anything that reminds me of Smokey. Which is good, because everything in and around my house reminds me of him. Like…even when I go out and run errands. But silly little things do too.

I used to save my barely used napkins or paper towels for when I had to wipe up cookie or treat crumbs, food crumbles under his food dish, water driplets by his water dish. I was always wiping stuff up. Today, I saw the 3 I had saved in a corner on the counter. And threw them away. Because I don’t need to wipe anything up. Made me smile at how goofy that was. And sad that I do not have to.

Life seems upended right now. Not just Smokey related. But Smokey would have made it better.

Was having an OK day.

Then you are reminded of what an idiot you are.

Last night I had another dream where I got to hug Smokey and I could feel the hug/his fur even after I woke up. This time, I cannot recall the dream as vividly as I did the 1st one (which I still recall the details) but I definitely recall the action of hugging him and the feeling of his fur against my face. It was nice.

This morning I did my Peloton ride (a too hard one IMO) and then did a 10 minute arms class, a 5 minute stretch and then tried a first-time 5 minute mediation (utilizing the monthly sub..)

Anyone that knows me, knows I am not hippie-dippie, I am pretty darn pragmatic and have actually never-ever mediated in any formal way (I would argue my quiet hikes in the forest more than qualify though.) At the end of this quick class, the instructor asks us to recall the last person you hugged – so I immediately thought of last night’s Smokey hug – and then tell yourself the class mantra of being healthy, happy, etc etc blah blah (my normal reaction to meditation type stuff.) But I did this – thinking of Smokey. And I teared up…and yet felt OK. And breathed through it for 90 seconds and then it was done. I had a decent day of staying busy and most importantly, not sad.

I am glad Smokey visited.

Between last Easter weekend and this fresh snow weekend, I’ve seen pretty much all of my neighbors. Whether full-timers having me over for dinner, insisting I go on walks with them, chit-chatting as I see them out while I am shoveling or part-timers seeing me after a week or more as I am out walking. The 100% constant question is “Am I OK?”

Well..all anyone wants to hear is Yes – I’m OK. Doing better. Doing well. How are you? Because dealing with “No – I am not OK” sucks.

But it’s not really factual. Sometimes. But I’m no longer interested in dealing with people’s reactions to “honestly not doing great.” No one wants to hear that. No matter how much they think they care about you. Fact. So I simply started saying “I’m OK” to everyone. Just leave it – you don’t care, and I don’t want to spend 1 second more trying to make you more comfortable with it. I do not come to you crying. I do break out in sobs. So leave it.

The fact is some days I am better than others. Some days I truly just want to stay in bed but I do not allow that. But I want to. But yes – some days I am OK. Or maybe the actual truth is some hours I am OK. And some I am not. Truly a game of ebbs and flows. Loss and sadness from different areas in my life.

So sure…I’m fine. Doing OK. How are you?

I should have gone on an afternoon walk yesterday during through the wind and crazy clouds – just waiting for the new snow.

I should have built up a towel tower to keep some of the blowing snow in overnight.

I should have been woken up this AM and jumped out of bed to see how much snow we got overnight.

I should have been on a snowshoe hike through the forest this morning.

I should have had to towel off a very snowy but happy husky when we got home. And had snow all over the entryway. And hallway. And living room. After many shakes.

I should have had to shovel a path on my deck when we got home. And kept cleaning up the snow blowing in from the open deck door. And more husky snow shakes.

I should have had to clean up all the towels and snow throughout the day. All day. And laughing about it even after saying “Noooo!”

I should have had to go on more snow adventures all day. Take pictures. Be happy with our April snow. The best snow since Christmas week.

I should be looking out every few minutes to see a snow covered husky lying happily in his snow pile. Burying his treats in his snow.

I did not have to do any of that. I did not get to do any of that.