a99kitten's Musings

I blog about a WHOLE LOT of stuff :)

I do not know what the heck is going on. The weather is gloomy? PMS? General sadness? All of the above? But ever since last night I am in a funk. I hate that. And crying. Hate that. I think it basically started last night when I tried to contact Facebook to limit access to my brother’s account. I couldn’t bring myself to have it deleted. He has photos up there and his updates. And as goofy as some are, they were him. The last thing he ever said I think…was posted at night before he went to bed and then didn’t wake up. I just cannot delete that. Not yet.

But I am not a general fan of most of his friends or his fiancee. And she posts weird stuff and I have no idea if she had his password. Pretty sure she does and I want to lock his account. So I finally found the form on FB, after searching morbidly for death through their FAQs, which was awesome, to have his account “memorialized” whatever that might entail.

I can submit a special request as a family member to lock it but this requires me sending in his death cert or obituary along with an online form. Again…awesome. I already had to do that once this week for something else and I am just not in the mood to do it again. I’ve tried to hold it together but ya know…there is only so much…And my Dad calls every day to ask if I have taken care of everything (ashes) and I tell him…every day. Short-term memory loss is a bitch.

So after last night and dealing with facebook and his fiancee, I am tired. I couldn’t sleep at all last night. Had a raging headache all day. So I think that makes me more susceptible to emo. And I really hate that. And the sun being taken away from me did. not. help. Seriously I do not know how people live in Seattle. No wonder they invented grunge.

So I’m taking the huskies to the fresh snow tomorrow. I need it. For some reason, fresh snow falling is happiness-inducing like the sunshine. And they will enjoy it. I stress about them. No real reason. Just do. Love those guys so much. Focusing on them and making them happy keeps me grounded in right now. And not thinking about other stuff. Like Yoda said a Jedi needs his (or her) mind mind on where he was and what he is doing.

I’m trying. Well…doing…because Yoda also said Do..or do not. There is no try. Damn Yoda.

Today I saw a Washington DC license plate with the motto “Taxation without Representation”

I know it’s for their own Congressional voting rights or whatever. But it actually says a lot more than that. To me it says Washington DC REPRESENTS Taxation without Representation. Much like Idaho plates say Famous Potatoes because well…they grow a lot of ’em. Florida’s say The Sunshine State because well…plenty of sunshine in that state. Hawaii? Aloha State. Get it?

So see…Washington DC means TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION. Perfect. Because those unethical idiotic fools do not represent me. Especially the ones we have been repeatedly sending from this once great state of California.

Woke up, fed the huskies and took them on their walk at 7am. Already a gorgeous sunshiney day here and the huskies and I had a great walk! I knew I had to get back by 8:50am though!!! Before I left, I set up my laptop and put my wallet next to it so I could run in and be ready! We ended up getting back at 8:45am so I made some coffee – figured it was a good idea to add some caffeine to my already amped up mood! Had the reg page all up and ready to push go. And at 8:59am…it crashed. Doh….here we go again…

Was on chat with my friend so we could collude on getting passes – whoever got in first had the marching orders to purchase! Kept refreshing and finally got the order page after 45 minutes. Then it timed out again. NO!!!!!! (all Darth Vader style!) Husband texts me (from downstairs) “what are you doing?” (yes, I did actually yell out NOOOOOO!) I don’t have time to text you back, I have to keep hitting refresh!!! But the URL did say checkout so I had hope that I was in a different part of the website! Finally I got to the credit card and registration info page! YAY! Enter all the info and then…timed out again. GAH! But it said order review in the URL so again…HOPE! And then after refreshing lots more – CONFIRMATION!

The order was confirmed and I saved a screen shot of my confirmation page! They aren’t sending confirmation emails out until (starting) 2/8 so I wanted to be sure I had the info! Hopefully, it is not screwed up somehow. The system basically sucked but at least it worked this time. Ah….the good ol’ days (like 5 years ago) of faxing in my registration and getting my pass sent to me in the mail are long gone….Now it’s hit refresh and yell at my screen for an hour, hope the order actually went through and then wait in a 2-hour long line to pick up my ticket in San Diego. Improvement of modernization? Notsomuch….

BUT…the point is I got them!! YAY!!!! 4 day pass for me and my friend! And a day pass for husband so he can pop in if he wants but not be forced to endure 4 straight days of geeks and lines :) And the Chewbacca backpack gets another San Diego adventure!

This was as I left for the airport to SDCC laat year!

Now I just need to figure out the lodging. Details, details…

The last 2 times they started registration and put tickets on sale, and the systems crashed, I remember having it on my calendar and being excited but between Storm health issues and family troubles, I was unable to try and get them. Life wasn’t cooperating. But then neither could anyone else. I put this date on my calendar and hoped I’d be able to get tickets. So I like to think that I was meant to go to Comic Con this year and have a blast like last year :)

Fed the huskies
Had a super fun beach walk (2 beaches and about 8 new doggie friends!) for almost 2 hours with the huskies
Checked and answered work and personal email
Had some coffee and tweeted and facebooked
Cleaned Gypsy’s (kitty) house and water fountain
Swept back deck from mass wind/tree carnage
Removed spider webs from front of house (waiting for the spider’s revenge…)
Cut some tree branches on front and back trees that were knocking into the house last night and today from wind (and waking me up last night!)
Did 3 loads of laundry
Washed all of my make-up brushes
Put away my new La Mer stuff :)
Removed stuff and cleaned up spare bedroom since husband decided to use it for his piles (wrong pal)
Cleaned up garage just enough to put that stuff there. Garage is husband’s mess – not mine – to deal with.
Swept garage – sand is mine and the huskies :)
Paid bills
Balanced mine and husbands’ various checking accounts
Put stuff away that was in small piles around the house. I hate piles. Might kill husband for piles some day.
Hung up my coat from yesterday that was still in car which led to me cleaning out coat closet and taking out 4 coats to donate. Ahhh…room.

That’s enough for now. Time for reading in the sun with absolutely no lazy guilt…will attack all of our tax stuff for Monday’s accountant meeting tonight or tomorrow. When it’s not prime sun….and I don’t have a new Vanity Fair and Vogue staring at me to read them :)

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/final-difficult-days-brittany-murphy-70059

This is a sad story. But it also makes me angry because it was easily preventable. As was my brother’s death. People think they can take any number of OTC or prescription medications and there is no problem with it because they are prescribed by a doctor or sold in a drugstore so they must be safe, right?

Wrong.

My brother was prescribed over 5 different daily medications by his 1 doctor. He told his doctor that he didn’t want so many and wanted to be weaned off them all because of how they made him feel and he didn’t need them. The doctor scoffed. This doctor saw my brother for maybe 10 minutes each month and then handed him his scrips for refill. Clearly he was very interested in helping him. My brother had made a request to change doctors (was on state medical assistance so needed to go through bureaucratic channels to approve the change) the week prior to his death. My brother should have never been on any of these (he was put on them in drug rehab…awesome therapy.)

Both my brother and his fiancee told me how when he would go in for his appointment and be in the waiting room, the receptionist (clearly with a medical degree of some kind I’m sure) would offer him free samples of the latest and greatest crap they were pushing. Wait? To mix with my other prescriptions he would ask? Oh – it didn’t matter was the response. Just give them a try. What??? And they would offer them to his fiancee too – who was NOT a patient. She gave me the bag of his pill bottles. Yep – all the same doctor. All prescribed on the same date.

I hate psychiatrists. They are a joke. And I hate their drugs. I will never, ever change my mind that they killed my brother. Who did take them as prescribed and didn’t abuse or doctor shop like half of Hollywood (and I’m sure a whole bunch of regular folk) seems to. Go ahead and call me irresponsible for saying it as a blanket statement. Call me Tom Cruise, I don’t care.

Any therapist who isn’t there to listen to your issues and talk you through and help you understand your problems and how to deal with them but writes you a prescription instead doesn’t care about helping you. Just take the edge off. Get you in and out, bill you and see you next month for your new prescription which is a HUGE business. In an annual physical, when I mentioned my heart racing to the doctor, she said it was anxiety. I told her she wrong. She offered to write me a prescription for some psych crap. I told her to take a hike and left. When my heart thing occurred again, and I saw a cardiac specialist, when I told him that, he said that doctor is a disgrace and should have her license taken away (Stanford grad mind you) since I had an actual (very minor) physical heart condition. So she made her 100% incorrect diagnosis and was willing to give me drugs based on 1 comment that I made and 10 minutes of her seeing me. Sounds about right.

These drugs are far more dangerous than illegal street drugs. They are dangerous because people have this weird trust in them. You do heroin, you know there is a possibility of an OD. Too much crack? Probably a very bad thing. But these – these are safe right? They were approved by the FDA. Pfft.

“The irony, Simon insisted, was that Brittany literally could not do drugs. In her early teens, she had been diagnosed with a heart murmur, so Brittany knew illegal drugs could endanger her life. That fear, Sharon said, that made it impossible for Brittany to use cocaine or stimulants.”

“She took the antibiotic Biaxin, migraine pills, cough medicine and an over-the-counter nasal spray. The day she died, she had also taken an anti-depression drug (fluoxetine, aka Prozac), an anti-seizure drug (Klonopin), an anti-inflammatory (methylprednisolone) and a beta blocker that Simon gave her, as well as Vicoprofen to ease pain from her period. But Brittany kept getting sicker, and her laryngitis during her final 10 days was the worst of her life. She was also weakened by her period — the second in a month — which was causing anemia that cut her red-blood count to a quarter of normal.”

What person takes all of the above and doesn’t think there might be an issue with it?? And one could say “Oh, that was her fault for taking so many without a doctor’s advice.” Well, that is true. Very true. Everyone is responsible for the decisions they make. But then, my brother had 5 different daily medications – all from his one and only doctor. A doctor he asked to be weaned off the meds. And he died of drug toxicity. He probably assumed his doctor knew what he was doing to some degree though. Wrong.

The police officer I spoke with about my brother (in order to get an autopsy, I had to start a police report for the ME to step in) said that they don’t get many calls for ODs on narcotics anymore except for street people. But tons and tons for ODs due to medications. Kids take their parents, people buy them off the street, they trade them, or they are improperly and overly prescribed. She said they refer to the various doctors and hospitals around there as candy stores. Nice.

Might there be a good doctor out there who really wants to help people? Sure, I’m sure there is. But that doctor probably isn’t peddling a bunch of drugs as the cure. And people need to start realizing popping a pill isn’t the cure. It’s simply a mask at best.  A band-aid. People can’t sleep. Take Ambien! That will fix it! No – you have an issue that is causing you not to sleep. That’s the problem you should be addressing.  I’m sad – take an upper. I can’t concentrate – take some ADHD meds. I’m “manic” – take a mood stabilizer. Doctors prescribe anti-depressants to some people to quit smoking. WHAT?! Why?? What the hell is wrong with people that they view this as acceptable? Just drug yourself. That doesn’t actually fix anything but who cares. And guaranteed – you will need something else, and then something else. And soon you will have a bathroom cabinet full of crap too.

Read Carrie Fisher’s “Wishful Drinking” or watch the HBO special. She is an incredibly talented writer. And funny as hell. She’s Princess Leia for cryin’ out loud. But it’s frightening to me too. And she doesn’t just medicate, she’s had electric-shock therapy.  That’s a whole other level of scary.  But then this is the same profession who brought us LSD and lobotomies. *thumbs up*

It shocks me when I find out people I know are taking this crap for whatever “ails” them. I see people tweet all the time about their meds. A Lot. WTH. But a drugged society is a quiet and complacent society I suppose.

I think this entire profession is a joke. Always will. And when I read more and more stories like this, I truly hope others will too. Sadly, most will probably just look at the obvious villain (the husband was quite the jackass) and blame it all on him. But he had quite a bit of help.

Two months isn’t really any easier than one month was. Find myself sad before I even realize the date. Maybe it never gets easier. Or better. Or less sad. Maybe you just get used to it. Awesome.

I have proven to myself what I have always known. That I am not really the talk it out, share my feelings kind of girl. I will talk about stuff. And share. To some top-level degree. But never all of what I am feeling or thinking. Move on. Rub some dirt on it. Just say it’s all OK and push through. Eventually it will be. Close enough anyway. But that quality is also what makes me who I am I suppose. I don’t wallow in stuff. I can’t allow it to shut me in. It might slowly kill a part of me inside, but I will get everything done that needs to be done and go on. I might finally break down and cry every once in awhile, but I will not let it stop me from doing what has to be done. Whatever “that” is at the time…work, life, etc.

Not sure if that is “healthy” but the idea of “talking about my feelings” or “how I am feeling/doing” makes me cringe. When people ask, I say fine. What else am I going to say? “Oh, last night I had a complete meltdown with no discernible trigger and cried my eyes out. How are you?” No one really wants to to hear bad or sad stuff anyway. Who wants that? I guess that’s why people pay a lot of money to therapists, they get paid. A lot. To listen to you babble on about your feelings.

I was asked this week if I thought I was an angry or upset person. The question took me a bit my surprise and I was a somewhat insulted by it actually since I have never, ever considered myself that. Quite the opposite really. I’ve stayed pretty damn positive and upbeat though a lot of crap. IMO. (then again crazy people never think they are crazy…)

Do I ever get angry or upset? Of course. But I usually just go rant about something and blow off the steam and it’s done. Isn’t that what you are supposed to do? People who say they never get angry or upset or argue or disagree (or refuse to get that way) are asking for a serial killer moment. Or just lying to themselves. So yes – I am still sad. I think I will be for a long time. I lost my little brother. The only family I was ever really super-duper close to. I think it’s my right to be sad.

But I guess that one question proves that people generally just don’t know me that well. C’est la vie.

Today is New Year’s Eve. The day/night before we start the calendar all over again. And when most people swear they will do things differently. Most never do. But hope is always eternal. Personally, this year can be over, done with and gone. Goodbye 2010. See ya. Don’t let the door hit you in the arse on the way out. Good riddance to ya (said with my 25% Irish brogue.)

12/31 was also my Mom’s birthday. She kinda hated that since it was so close to Christmas plus a holiday on its own. But did acknowledge it guaranteed she got a party to go to every year. She passed away a few years back but I always remember her drinking her Bailey’s or Irish Coffee (the only alcohol she would ever drink were those 2 and only around Christmas and New Years/her birthday.) Happy Birthday Mom. I do miss you. But probably best you left first.

Today is also the day we picked up my 2000 Christmas present, Angelus:

me and Angelus :)

I believe I blogged last year about the trip to get him and his first weekend with his new family. I have always kinda-sorta considered this to be like his birthday since it is when he came into my life. His actual birthday is 11/7 and we have celebrated that as his birthday but that is also the day my brother actually left me this year so I think 12/31 will stay Angelus’ birthday for me. He deserves a purely 100% happy day :)

And to celebrate his birthday this year, the weather Dogs (see what I did there?) gave us a lot of snow leading up it and then blessed him with a temperature fit only for huskies! The low this morning was 2. We went out after it had warmed up to 2.8. When I first looked at the temp, I thought it said 28. I thought to myself “wow that’s warm for so early in the morning.” Yeah…

Stormy decided it was too cold for his partial nakedness after a little while so we brought him back and then Angelus and I went back out. He was so happy. He is truly geared to be a cold-weather mountain dog. We found a trail that some snowboarders created and off we went! Mom (that’s me) started to lose a bit of feeling in her toes and fingers so we did go back after an hour. I told him we would go back out when it warmed up to double digits – like 10 degrees or something!

So happy birthday/welcome to my life day to my first-born awesome best black & white pal husky!! Also, more snow is coming tonight, tomorrow and Sunday so he will be stretching this birthday celebration out :)

This was him this morning after we got back from our walk and I left him off-leash once we got to our easement road. He took off to the neighbor’s driveway and ran around in the snow. I missed capturing that fun run since I had my big gloves on and iPhones don’t do well with gloves. He made it clear he wasn’t quite ready to go back inside!

5 husky snow adventures today – my legs are sore! (plus Angelus got some time at Squaw Village today.)

2 movies watched – Leap Year and All About Steve (love Sandra no matter what!) Liked them both. Not classics, and pretty sure hated by reviewers, but they were cute movies that made me smile and/or giggle. And that’s what I needed.

And only 3 chores done today!

It snowed all day long today. And the temp has been dropping. It’s currently 11 degrees out. I just took Storm out for a potty break. Holy moley! 11 is dang cold….he sure is lucky he is so cute :)

So all in all, a successful vacation day.

I lost the ball to my belly ring while in Florida last month. Didn’t worry about it too much since I had much bigger stuff to think about then (and really still do now but whatever.)

Since then, I’ve pulled/snagged it numerous times on sweaters and it frackin’ hurt (even bleeding once – ouch.) And I kept meaning to go find a new ball for it. But now it’s almost the end of December and I still have not done it. And today, after my shower, the ring came out again. So I left it out.

It’s weird…I’ve had it in for about 15-16 years. But I think I don’t care anymore. The only thing that scares me is does this means I’m getting/feeling old? It’s been a rough year, and a rougher few months, so better to focus on worrying about silly things like this I suppose…

…it’s been a month. Still not any easier.

Still can’t talk about it much though. Maybe it would help, maybe not. I don’t know. Can’t talk to my husband about it (truthfully, don’t actually think he cares) and no other family really. And don’t want to spoil anyone else’s mood. No need for that. Like I said, not sure it would help anyway.

Trying to suck it up though.