Two months isn’t really any easier than one month was. Find myself sad before I even realize the date. Maybe it never gets easier. Or better. Or less sad. Maybe you just get used to it. Awesome.
I have proven to myself what I have always known. That I am not really the talk it out, share my feelings kind of girl. I will talk about stuff. And share. To some top-level degree. But never all of what I am feeling or thinking. Move on. Rub some dirt on it. Just say it’s all OK and push through. Eventually it will be. Close enough anyway. But that quality is also what makes me who I am I suppose. I don’t wallow in stuff. I can’t allow it to shut me in. It might slowly kill a part of me inside, but I will get everything done that needs to be done and go on. I might finally break down and cry every once in awhile, but I will not let it stop me from doing what has to be done. Whatever “that” is at the time…work, life, etc.
Not sure if that is “healthy” but the idea of “talking about my feelings” or “how I am feeling/doing” makes me cringe. When people ask, I say fine. What else am I going to say? “Oh, last night I had a complete meltdown with no discernible trigger and cried my eyes out. How are you?” No one really wants to to hear bad or sad stuff anyway. Who wants that? I guess that’s why people pay a lot of money to therapists, they get paid. A lot. To listen to you babble on about your feelings.
I was asked this week if I thought I was an angry or upset person. The question took me a bit my surprise and I was a somewhat insulted by it actually since I have never, ever considered myself that. Quite the opposite really. I’ve stayed pretty damn positive and upbeat though a lot of crap. IMO. (then again crazy people never think they are crazy…)
Do I ever get angry or upset? Of course. But I usually just go rant about something and blow off the steam and it’s done. Isn’t that what you are supposed to do? People who say they never get angry or upset or argue or disagree (or refuse to get that way) are asking for a serial killer moment. Or just lying to themselves. So yes – I am still sad. I think I will be for a long time. I lost my little brother. The only family I was ever really super-duper close to. I think it’s my right to be sad.
But I guess that one question proves that people generally just don’t know me that well. C’est la vie.
6:40 pm on January 9th, 2011
There is no guidebook or manual on how to ‘properly’ grieve – you will do what works best for you and others need to let you do it – even if they don’t understand how, why or what you are doing.
10:27 pm on January 9th, 2011
Tis tough. But I am trying.