a99kitten's Musings

Took Indy to the park today to check out the snow and terrain. Have not been there in the past couple of weeks with the new snow. Is always a challenge in early season – do you need snowshoes, is it hot and smushy, how muddy, etc etc.

Had a fun walk. It’s been cold since it dumped snow so thankfully not smushy or muddy. Mostly stayed on trail so no snow shoes were needed as packed down. Let Indy pick our route and had fun. Thankfully, at this time of year the sun is low so mostly shady and not hot.

Just about to the parking lot to go back home…and it hit me…this was my first trip back in the snow here without Smokey. Smokey LOVED the park in the winter. We went all the time. As soon as my brain clicked to it, I started to cry. Not like get sad and mopey and then tear up, but just instantly boom – tears. So weird. But Smokey loved the park so much. And I never really took the buds there in the winter so it was definitely a Smokey spot.

Indy loved it. And we will go back all the time.

But it’s still hard.

This week marked Indy’s 3-month adoption anniversary.

It’s weird because sometimes it feels like it was just last week and other times it feels like it’s been forever. He definitely seems to be settling in. And he appears to love his routine. He has lost a little of the craziness (as much as a husky can!) and is happy. Although I am def exhausted.

And I am happy too. He is a complete sweetheart who loves to have fun. But then also chills when I need him to for the most part.

On Halloween, as I took his cute pictures, I did get very sad. Remembering that just last Halloween I did this with Smokey. And today, taking Indy on a fun hike at Glacier – remembering my last hike there with Smokey was just over a week before he left us. It makes me sad still. Smokey was my best friend. I think the guilt, for lack of a better word, of having fun doing the same things hits me at different times.

But Indy is a love. And deserves nothing but the fun and hopefully awesome life I can provide him.

Window cleaners were here today. With Smokey, I’d keep him next to me. And always an eye on him as he kept on eye on them.

Indy…he sniffed them, their ladders, got pets and then laid down the entire time they were here.

Smokey was my guardian. Watched anyone who came in the house. Around the house. Bears. Coyotes. Humans.

Indy…well…not so much. Indy is a complete sweetheart. And loves everyone it seems. Smokey was too..but was also my guardian which came first. Angleus was as well. Stormy…well…not so much lol.

Not going to lie. I do miss that feeling. Of a guardian always by my side. Guess that’s what a gun or 2 is for.

I thought I was ready enough to put up a pic of Smokey. He deserved that. I wanted to have that.

So I ordered some prints. Some frames. See what I liked.

I was wrong. He does deserve it. X 1000. But I was not ready.

5 years ago last night I found Smokey in the forest after he had been missing for 2+ days. I cannot describe the feeling of relief, joy, heart explosion when I found him. The day after (so today), I spent the day with him on my lap for the most part. He was *not* a lap dog except when he really needed his Momma.

Every year since then I’ve remembered the dates, seen the FB memory pics, etc. and been happy and relieved to have him safe and sound.

Obviously this year is different. And frankly I have tried to ignore FB updates and reminders and notifications. I like the Memories feature actually for reminding me daily of Angelus and Storm. But the loss of Smokey is still too raw, so it sucks right now too.

Indy is a complete love. A sweet, sweet boy who deserves nothing but happiness and joy. And I hope I bring that to him. He makes me smile every day.

But I am still heart broken.

Indy is such a sweet heart. A total love. But he is a 2 year old husky puppy. And I worry that I cannot give him all of the exercise time he needs. I was 20 years younger the last time I had a 2 year old husky. Although when I think back to everything I did, does not seem all that different than now. Other than the buds got to hang out at the office with people all day versus us being at home. But Indy gets tons of humans and dog socializing on a daily basis.

I thought we were figuring it out. We were o a good routine with walks, play, naps, etc. But today, after a 2+ hour hike through the forest, and an hour of dog play at the beach (like…constant full-speed running), plus following me around as I did stuff at home and playing with his toys and bones, he is still not tired. Still wants more. I can do that some days, but every day? No. Honestly. I’m sore!

We’ve been doing about 75-90 mins in the AM, a pee-pee walk around 11-12. A walk in the afternoon which is either a beach play session or an hour hike and then a 20 minute wrestle session with our neighbor’s husky (who *is* fairly lazy!) And a final pee-pee before sleepies walk. But I feel he needs even more. He is young.

So now I feel guilty. But right now, tonight, I am sore. And exhausted. I felt like I did so much extra today and was feeling pretty good to be honest. But then he was pacing, and staring at me. And wanted more. So I feel like I failed. And I know I need to wake up tomorrow and do the same thing again.

I know he is generally happy. He is a such a sweet guy. But could he be happier? Better off? Always thought of myself as an excellent dog mom. But I am not in my 20s anymore. Pretty sure I’m being overly dramatic, and he is living a good life. But I just want to make sure he gets enough exercise…without killing me lol.

Today was a weird day. Woke up to clear, blue skies after several days of Terminator apocalyptic skies. Took advantage and hiked Indy in the AM so he’d be tired. That’s funny.

Then I saw the weather report that smoke was returning this afternoon. I paced around doing stuff this AM trying to decide hat to do next – versus our routine – so took him to the beach and he had a blast running free with other buddies.

I had a lot of weird energy and still could not sit down so did chores, etc etc when we got back. Then saw the notice that there was a fire just started, in addition to the giant fire already burning. Now…these fires are not technically close enough to us that I am worried about them actually getting here. But the sad reality is no one can predict weird fire weather. Last year proved that.

And then my neighbors all ping me because I am apparently the only person who uses twitter – which gets the fastest updates. So since last year I am the neighborhood watch. And my aunt was texting me non-stop about my dad’s health stuff. So my brain tweaked.

When you have smoky, red, scary skies. And fire warnings. And then they close your freeway….it can seem not so great. I feel getting a little stressed is warranted. I packed up photos and papers, jewelry and collectibles. And my buds ashes and pics and stuffed toys. I kept repeating it’s fine and no big deal as I did these things. Thankfully, Indy seems immune to my stress unlike Smokey and he continued just following me around and playing with his toys.

I walked Indy. Fed him his dinner. Took a shower. Breathe.

Deciding what to pack if you need to leave with 15 minutes notice is not easy. I know it should be. You and your dog. The end. And that’s what it would be. But your whole life of memories is in things, and pictures, and crap. Plus you need underwear and socks. And your vitamins. And water. And a gun. And money. It’s just a fucking weird feeling. And until you’ve had to do it, and more than once, it’s too fn easy to say “oh just leave.”

They stopped forward progression of the latest fire. And our weather seems OK so I should not worry so much. But this reminded me of the last 3 years. And I keep my stress bundled up tightly. Until I have a minute to let it out and cry, or have a drink, or pace. Or whatever.

Adrenalin is a weird thing. Not sure how it effects others. Just know how it effects me. Go Go Go Go Go Crash when it seems you can. But only then.

Indy has been a wonderful, happy addition to my life. For sure. He’s such a lovable goof. And he makes me smile every day. Also.. makes me extremely tired. lol

But I still think of Smokey every day. I still get sad every day. I try not to. But I do. Sometimes just a little sad. Other days, a lot.

I feel like when I am happy and having fun with Indy, I am being…I don’t know the right word…disrespectful?

I also know that is silly. Smokey had a long, happy life. But the loss was great.

I miss that smile. That low ah-roo. That calm, constant presence in my life. Indy is a spaz. As he is supposed to be at 2 years old. But here he is sleeping, after a fun day, and I watch him smile in his sleep. Just like I did with Smokey. And Angelus. And Stormy. And even Shadow. And it makes me smile.

They are all always in my heart. But Smokey is still very much fresh in my memory banks. And I still find myself calling Indy Smokey.

It’s very hard. But we are working it out.

But I miss my guy.

Today is 1 week since I adopted Indy. He seems very happy, and getting used to life here. He loves to rest on the sofa, sleep on the bed, go for walks, play with his friend, chew up toys and enjoying the few treats I am giving him right now.

He is having yucky tummy for the past 2 days. I assume it is an entire life change plus transitioning his diet. So for now – turkey and rice. So that means no happy anniversary special treat today. I bought him a kong for peanut butter and fresh bones. But that will all wait.

But even though he has some diarrhea, his mood is perfectly happy and fun. We are still trying to figure out our communication. Because of the tummy issues, I assume every whine, or stare means “I need to go out.” So waking up and going out at 3am is a thing. And we go out for short walks throughout the day plus 2 in the evening as well as our big AM walk and an afternoon lake or river walk. Not sure I can keep this up lol. Hopefully we figure this out over the next few weeks.

He is a happy, fun loving guy who I think will love his life once routine settles in. This makes me happy.

It’s also the 7 month mark on losing Smokey. Who I still miss tremendously every day. It still hurts. And I’m still sad. Smokey and I were family. Indy and I will get there. But it’s still hard.

I went over a week without crying. Of course, most of that was traveling and trying to focus on friends and comic con. And not getting rona.

I also did not look at any pics of Smokey. Although I did go onto social media daily as I posted pics and tried to respond to comments. But it was all comic con related.

And coming home to no Smokey waiting for me was hard. When I would travel, the thing I would think about the most as I was headed home was yay – seeing Smokey. And no matter how much fun I had while away – I was happiest to be home.

And after getting home, I even looked at pics of other dogs, as I plan on visiting and meeting potential new friends.

I thought about it today. That maybe I was moving through the intense sadness part. Maybe by making the decision to meet other buddies, it was helping. I was also keeping myself pretty darn busy.

Then a neighbor texted me a picture of Smokey today.