a99kitten's Musings

I blog about a WHOLE LOT of stuff :)

It’s the 5th of June. More accurately, it’s less than 1 month till my birthday. I have not skipped having some form of celebration for my birthday in many, many (many…because old) years. And I usually have it planned by now. Even during fear-porn, Covid 2020 I did a socially-distanced, outside, driveway birthday party.

But I think 2022 could be the year I skip it.

It’s not a big deal. It is always fun but who really cares. If I had to decide right now, definite skip.

We’ll see.

Has been cloudy and windy and cold all day. In June. Smokey would have loved it. Normally I would have too.

When you tell yourself that you can move forward.

And you can make a life better. But you are not quite ready.

And you stay busy. And active. And try not to be sad.

But then you remember your best friend is gone.

And another best friend lied to your face. More than once. But oh well – oops. And now cannot even confront you. Does not even care enough to deal with it. OK…

So what does that mean for next week. Next month. Next year. No clue really.

My brain is so tired.

Had the house re-stained this week. That was nice. Had put it off the last few years mostly because I’d want the back deck done and that meant several days of no deck access – plus lots of noise – and that was a no-go with Smokey.

It looks really nice. And I bought a couple new deck rugs. I was going to bring out all of my deck furniture and rugs this weekend but we have rain in the forecast all weekend so…no.

But I did go and buy flowers today. And put up my front deck railing boxes, and then did a couple in the back along with 1 barrel. I need more flowers for the rest. But am probably going to wait to finish them until I get everything else out there. I had to stop. I got very, very sad. This was when I normally brought Smokey’s 3 outside beds out to the deck. And he loved to be out there with the rugs, flowers, etc. He really did. He loved, loved, loved winter and snow. But when I got the deck and set up – he was really happy.

I keep trying. But some “triggers” (man I hate that word so much) are just there. I cannot count the amount of times I would look out each evening to look at Smokey sleeping in his deck bed every evening. Like…probably 1x every few minutes. Now I look out and it’s empty. But I still look. Just not as often.

Not really sure how it will go once I get the rugs and furniture out there. Probably more sadness. Smokey should be there.

I keep thinking…I can get another buddy – whose life I could make happy which will make me happy – but it won’t be Smokey. Who made me so happy. But Smokey was not Angelus. Or Storm. And that was actually OK. But it took me a long time to get there then. Still not there now…

I should be in Anaheim right now. Probably eating, drinking and being merry….or at Disneyland. It’s Star Wars Celebration – the one put off since 2020. The one I scored our 4-day badges for in 2019.

But I am not.

They put it off in 2020. Thanks Covid.

They put it off in 2021. Thanks Covid fear-porn.

They announced it for 2022 BUT changed the dates from August to May – Memorial Day weekend. When travel is both expensive and pure suck. F U. But OK.

THEN, they announced all badge holders must be fully vaxxed AND wear a mask all of the time. Well….no thanks. They announced all this not too long after I lost Smokey. I was already in a very bad headspace. But now you want to insist I inject drug trial chemicals into my body? And this is AFTER the State of CA removed any such restrictions? No thanks. Fuck off. I was able to sell our badges to 2 friends who were unable to get them in the pre-sale in 2019, so that was nice. And Sonya was able to nab a VIP via another friend. So that worked out for everyone else – that is good. At least people I care about were able to benefit.

Then they changed it to fully vaxxed or neg test on EACH day of the show about a month ago. Again….fuck off. You can be fully vaxxed and have *and spread* the virus you fn morons. Not sure if they changed anything since then – I stopped looking at the con reqs. Although I did check the flight once again to see if Disneyland was still a possibility. $500 for an hour flight each way. Fuck off. Seriously.

But sad not to be there. Not to be with friends. Not to see fun things and experience it all. And def sad not to visit Disneyland. But mostly sad that the world has come to this and is still like this.

Actually…mostly sad that I wouldn’t have needed a dog sitter for any of this.

I have been gardening for hours all week. Decided not to hire someone to do this work so I could be out there. I’ll hire someone for the big yard clean up but I chose to do the garden areas. Mostly so I could stay busy outside and end up looking at something pretty.

And yet I’m still sad.

Today my neighbor had his friends up for the weekend as they do every year. Usually Smokey would go say hi to everyone, and meander around. Everyone would pet him and tell him how awesome he was. He’d be the life of the party.

I had dinner again with neighbors the other night. And had a fun and busy day and evening. But I still came home and was immediately sad.

I am crying again. I think maybe I should start considering adopting a new dog. But I I know I am not ready. I do not want a new dog. I want Smokey back.

I think tomorrow is just curl up and be tired day. I might not let it happen. But right now I think so.

The amount of time I spend making sure my brain and body have zero time to get sad is ridiculous. And a fail.

I’ve worn myself out this week. Literally. I’m exhausted. I’m sore. I have made sure I have very little down time.

Doesn’t seem to matter.

I’ve also seemed to have lost a close friend. Or 2. But I’m done.

So tired.

Today’s is my brother’s 39th birthday. I wish he was here for me to tell him how old he was. And make fun of his oldness. But he is not. Not for 11 years.

I light a candle tonight for Smokey – as I have been doing every night for 4 months. And also for Jonathan.

Loss is a terrible thing. Humans go through it on a daily basis all over the world. But telling yourself that does not make your loss any less. Or make you feel any better.

Only time does that. And you don’t feel better. You just feel less awful.

Today I spent a few hours cleaning up broken branches from winter as the snow melts, unwrapping all of my trees without breaking or killing myself (on a precarious fn ladder so this was a win), and duck taping and roping up my broken tree.

This is the tree I look out my kitchen window and see blossoming. Except after this winter it has been crushed. Literally. I had to tape it after the big 2016/17 winter as well and it thrived. Bu today, after the snow melted off of it this week, it was completely bent over. I had to duck tape all of the main branches including from the trunk. And tied it to the the house to hold it up. I honestly don’t expect it to make it. BUT, it has buds on some of the branches so I had to try. 2002 continues to take from me.

As I did all this, I had no one following me around. No one underfoot. I didn’t have to look around and say “Hey – Smokey!” only to find him digging a hole somewhere after a critter or lounging in the leftover snow piles.

Gardening was our spring thing. He always hung out with me. I was never out there by myself. Always had a supervisor. Until now. I broke down and sobbed again today. It’s been a couple of days. I feel terribly alone again. And spring can suck it.

I have not had a Mom to wish Happy Mother’s Day to since 2002 (although in reality even before then.)

I have been a doggie Mom since 2001. Not this year.

I forgot it was mom’s day this Sunday. Until every commercial on TV, every sale email, and displays at the grocery store, and even post office have reminded me over and over yesterday today. Yet another reason to tell 2022 to fuck off.

Today has sucked. This week has sucked. I feel I have aged 10 years in 5 months. I will throw this week it on the pyre that is 2022 – like all of the other weeks.

Not sure what is wrong with me that I never learn.

I have told myself social media is off limits. My pictures are off limits. But it’s one of my favorite days, so I clicked through my FB memories. Mostly, I was trying to remember what I BBQed last year on this day as I watched Solo – I remember that part – what was on. And Smokey watching me use my (new-ish) grill. But I could not remember if it was chicken or beef. Should not have mattered. Idiot.

So instead I just got sad. And cried.

I always try to make this day a fun day. Even though it’s a silly “holiday”. I have no one to celebrate it with so it is kind of ridiculous. But oh well. But today my dad had his doctor appointment and turns out, as we suspected, that he might have lung cancer. Not really a surprise since he has smoked since he was like 9 (go dad). He needs to get a biopsy so I’ll know more in a week or so. And then I get to make medical decisions. Yay.

So then I went for a walk. Showered. Made dinner. Had Star Wars movies playing. But then stupidly looked through FB pics from today.

I should know better. But I guess not. I try every day to stay happy(ish). To stay out of my head. Being broken sucks. 2022 can fuck itself.