a99kitten's Musings

Well…probably not “little” but perhaps

Whole house A/C installed!! Took 3 days of guys banging and banging and banging for what seemed like 8 hours straight each day. This greatly stressed out Smokey who has been exhausted each evening because he has not been able to nap since Sunday. But I spent $25k to keep him cool – hopefully he will forgive me lol.

Last year, during the “pandemic”, trading was crazy. Put away $50k ($25k to AC and $25k to taxes – fu guvmint) for this. It took this long since then to get the contractor bid, scheduled, re-scheduled due to parts delay, re-scheduled due to snow and finally installed.

While I wish I would never need it because it would never be warm enough (or smoky enough from fires), I am so, so happy to have it now.

I love Star Wars Day. Or May the Fourth be With You day. And I love how it’s become part of “normal” people culture and not just us nerds :)

Realized today that I have never really celebrated with friends though. We don’t have movie marathons, dress up in our t-shirts and assorted nerd flair, or make themed foods. Of course, I live far away from most of my friends and none of them would make that effort to come up then. Only on Hallmark holidays I guess.

And I stopped making the effort to go down to the bay area for events. I did it for Force Awakens, Rise of Skywalker and Solo. Was supposed to for Rogue One but the tickets got messed up. Also met friends mid-way for 2 Marvel releases. Not to mention Twilight. But I’m done.

I did get bummed about it today though. It’s been a shit year (and continues to be so). So I am easily bummed out lately it seems.

Plus the contractors are here installing my A/C. Which is great. BUT, the noise being made ALL DAY long is in complete contrast to what I am used to at home. I want to hit someone. And Smokey hates it so he is pacing. Non-stop.

Didn’t even buy much merch. Not so much released this year either. Bought 1 POP and pre-ordered the Sideshow statue I have been waiting for. Although I did spend a gob of cash on Topps digital app for limited edition cards. But I love the trading so whatevs. Stayed up till past midnight last night to complete the “base” special edition collection. And then today is stuff all day. That’s been fun at least.

I wonder how early I can make up some Star Wars-inspired drinks…

Just watched this past week’s Law & Order: SVU. All about a lady who blows a gasket during lockdowns. The main takeaway is that she ran a business, took care of her family, her customers, her employees, etc but never took care of herself. And she was sure that this is the way it should be. And that there is no one to take care of her – even for a little bit.

Life. That is my life. Has always been my life.

HIGHlariosly, 2 of Smokey’s neighborhood pals were both diagnosed with kennel cough this past week. So we can’t go see them because LOCKDOWN! Jeebus – even for dogs. The funny thing is, they are hanging out together, playing, families had dinner tonight – while both are “quarantined”. But I can’t take Smokey by – which is one of his favorite things – because of some bs virus. They sent me a pic saying we miss you. Oh. Ok. But I need to worry about him. Take care of him. He’s older – so not dealing with risk.

I’m sure I am not the only one feeling this way…still. Plenty of people out there in that same position/condition of sadness. Although I think more and more “seem” to be going back to normal-ish. But not me. Not because I have rona-fear, just what we are “allowed” to do is nothing I care to do. And the things I want to do – still in lockdown mode. And at this point, not leaving Smokey.

But at some point you are just tired. Not grab a gun like the lady in SVU tired because that seems (while understandable) a bit much. But tired. Every day.

2 true stories:

We lived in a suburb outside of Chicago when I was 9-10 yrs old. My dad owned several businesses that found people jobs – for a fee. Obvs, this is all pre-internet. #old

He had ins with local businesses, got listings, found people jobs. A lot of them. It’s actually a good thing.

He had an office on the south side of Chicago. This is and was a bad area. Not safe. Not safe for white people. Let’s face it – not safe for any people.

One day – a black man who did indeed find a job using my dad’s service, came in and said he should get a refund because it only took 1 day. My dad said no – that’s not how it worked.

That black man put a gun to my father’s head and said refund or he was dead.

My dad told him where the cash box was. The guy took all the cash – so not just his “refund” and left.

Criminal piece of shit.

Story 2:

My dad and another (white) guy who worked with him were driving to the same office on the south side of Chicago and were pulled over by 2 cops. 1 black and 1 white.

They told them to get out of the car – made them get on their knees on the side of the road while their guns were drawn.

They got their IDs, my dad proved he owned a business locally and were let go. The cops said – the only white people that come here are the ones that buy drugs or who came to look for trouble. So told them to leave.

My father helped a lot of black people find jobs. Yet he still had life threatened and could have died because of an asshole thieving black guy.

He also had his life threatened by cops and could have been shot by some trigger-happy cops BECAUSE HE WAS WHITE.

So fuck off with your white privilege.

Fuck off with your white guilt.

There are good people. There are bad people. Whether they are cops, doctors, grocery store clerks. Whether they are white, black, brown, yellow, purple with orange polka dots. Who knows. Fuck off with your racism. Fuck off with your systemic racism. Fuck off with your honoring fn criminals with murals with FUCKING ANGEL WINGS.

Just fuck off.

It seems like everyone I know is going on vacation. A little laughable since so many people are still pandemic paranoid, but obviously that doesn’t apply.

Disneyland, Disney World, Hawaii, road trips, Europe. Meanwhile, I’ll be here in Tahoe, where a bunch of people that are not my friends will be invading and vacationing (and annoying the ***mother fucking shit*** out of me.) While they are somehow still being paranoid about the pandemic.

I’m not vacationing not because I am pandemic paranoid. I’m actually pretty much not. Well…I assume every time you go someplace with a lot of people that you are exposing yourself to the filth of humanity. So it’s no different now to me. In fact, people & spaces might be a bit cleaner right now.

I’m not planning anything because I’m frankly too afraid that I will leave and Smokey will leave me. I have bad memories of being out and about and having fun one weekend day while Angelus got sick at home. And by pure happenstance, I decided to to go home and check on the buds before going off for a movie. And found him collapsing. So…not doing that to myself again. Smokey is 13 or 14 and moving a lot slower. He needs me home. And he was already super stressed when I’d leave so that is that.

No Cons to think about this year, so that’s good. I’ll get to Disneyland, or WDW, or Hawaii or wherever again sometime. And since I already hate 2021 as it is, I guess I can continue to hate it. But I will not lie, it’s making me a bit sad – but I think mostly because of WHY I won’t go versus actually not going. Once again I say, I preferred 2020. And it’s only April 16th.

I prefer 2020 over 2021 so far.

We had more snow. A lot more snow. That meant no/better drought conditions. That mean better for fire season. Pretty much over CA and over fire season.

Smokey was a year younger. I worried about him a little less.

The market was fun to play in.

Humans came together. For a few weeks anyway. We were “in this together.” For a few weeks anyway.

We couldn’t travel. Well, I’m still not interested in traveling.

We couldn’t gather. Still not really gathering.

Yeah…I liked 2020 more. We had hope things would get better. Now I just assume they will stay like this. Or get worse. Fuck 2021.

I have spent about 90% of my adult working life making sure any and all employees of where I worked had the best possible health insurance possible. Not just some coverage – but low deductible, PPO, excellent network, employer-paid premiums plus spouse, family AND domestic partner before that was even a thing or before most companies even thought about it let alone offered it. Even when the CEO/MGP of the company wasn’t so sure on the expense of it all – I lobbied and won. Always.

Let’s face it – HR works for the company. Yes – in support of the employees, but at the end of the day, HR will side with the company. As they should. I am not a fn union leader.

But I **ALWAYS** looked for the best option for the employee because that helped the company.

So I guess it is only fitting that as my Federal COBRA is expiring, I find out that the new health plan my old company switched to is a plan that will not support conversion to individual plans. Now…that’s not their job. I get it. But ironic nonetheless. So the plan I now will sign up for is 50% more expensive than my COBRA was and also offers about 50% of the benefits. THANK YOU OBAMA. I HOPE YOU CHOKE.

There are other FN ridiculous components to this such as other ex-employees being offered better options, but I guess whatever. I am too tired to type. I’d rather watch an episode of TV or read. Clear my brain.

So I will continue to be angry. Until I decide to vent more. Or just stew.

Being nice is the literally the stupidest thing you can do. Be. You instantly make yourself a fn sucker.

Not saying be mean. Be indifferent. Do not trust. Understand that the other side of your interaction is someone looking for out for #1. Trusting people that are not your closest, dearest friends marks you as a huge sucker. And even those people are sketchy at best.

Look out for you. Period. No one else really is. Even if they say they are, it’s only because they are not being tested at that point.

As Fox Mulder said, Trust No One.

…it’s worse.

Obviously it’s been a weird year for just about everyone. Well, not politicians, celebrities and uber rich who just do what they want – probably been fine for them other than having to pretend it’s not for us plebs.

I started day trading last February. Like every day, all day. It was fun. Kept my mind off anything else going on. It was good. Made money, stayed busy, was addicted to it. Loved it. Basically – traded and hiked Smokey. And perfectly happy with that being my day.

This year – with our new President (F Biden) and things are different – the market has sucked. Good January – suck February. Super Suck March. And April looks not too much better. So I’ve traded less. A lot less. As a result, I think I’ve realized the world sucks. I mean – I always knew humans suck. But now – everything does. But I have no idea when I can go to Hawaii, or Disney World or anywhere besides the forest without a mask. And simply not interested in going to those places while wearing a fucking mask. Seriously – FUCK CHINA. And fuck humans. And fuck our government.

Smokey is older now. We still go for long walks but not like we used to. So I can’t fill my time with that. Not like I can take him out for a 5 hour hike. We do spend a lot of time outside but I won’t make him go more than I can tell he is comfortable with. Some days 8 miles, some days 3 miles. Although it still has more to do with heat and how hot he gets – thanks Mother Nature (fuck you and your bullshit winter.)

Then throw in the fact that the bay area has invaded my small town. It’s always crowded. Always. And there is garbage and dog poop on the trails where there NEVER was any EXCEPT on holiday week when FN TOURISTS were here. And speeders through my neighborhood ALL THE TIME. I almost got into a fist fight with this fn asshole who was speeding in his Tesla up my street. I hope he choked to death in his sleep. If not yet, I will continue to pray for it.

So I am now angry. Every day. Not all day – if all day I probably would have stabbed someone by now. But it’s still not normal for me. And I hate it. But I literally see no end to it. And that sucks.

I always loved Easter as a kid. Not just because of candy – I loved the colors, Easter egg hunts, the bunny, family meals together with a little less stress than Christmas I guess? Scalloped potatoes and deviled eggs. Mmmm. Also, probably where my love of pastels came from lol.

Did not grow up with Easter as a religious holiday. I do recall Easter at my grandparents, church in the AM, egg hunt in their yard and a lot of food! But the religious part was not a part of my life really. But respect for those that do. And have a supreme annoyance for people that curse on or around Easter. Like…I want to throat punch you.

This year Easter was odd though. Didn’t do anything with anyone. Sent Easter baskets out because who doesn’t love Easter baskets? I guess they were enjoyed but didn’t back on Easter. No Easter greetings from anyone except my neighbors. Thank goodness for good neighbors.

Was nice to have a 3-day weekend though. Considering I am “retired” from work, you’d think I’d have 7-day weekends but I trade daily so I like to stress myself out…clearly. But this was a nice brain break. Did a TON of spring cleaning. Although not as much as I wanted (as my TODO list would attest) since Smokey would just follow me around and I wanted him to relax. But did get a lot done.

But I tried to do most in/around the first floor so Smokey would not follow me too much. He wants to do these long walks – which makes me happy. But then I think he gets very tired. Or hot. Likely both. Plus he has not eaten for 2 days. He has eaten his treats – just not his regular food. I know it has warmed up all of a sudden this week from a high of low 40s to 60s. And his body does not regulate heat well (me either pal.) I have this this same stress for the past few years at this same time. But as he gets older, I stress more. Sadly, our winter is done. It’s supposed to a be a touch cooler this week – in the low 50s instead of 60s. But seriously FU MOTHER NATURE. There are already fires in So Cal. In April. FUCK YOU. FUK U. FU. I will curse you. This is BS.

Anyway, I made him 3 chicken breasts tonight thinking he’d eat a little but he gobbled them all up! ALL of it. OK. That made me happy. So we will see tomorrow if he wants more fresh chicken, or his fresh food or what.

Tomorrow starts a new week. And really month and quarter. I might start trading a lot less to spend with Smokey and diddle around with my house projects. We will see.