Went to an appointment today and the lady opened her door as she said “hey how are you” and then instantly asked me what was wrong. And moved me into her office. I told her Smokey died. She teared up and said she knew something awful happened. She knew because she said I was always smiley and happy. And now I was not.
Honestly did not realize I was transparent to the outside. I must look pretty awful. But no – I am not happy. At any point in the day.
She said she just had to put her dog down in November. That it was so awful. And she was sure she would never get another dog. That it was too hard.
Yes it is.
I’ve never been one to care that much about Valentine’s Day.
I remember as a kid you exchange those small cards with classmates and we always had cupcakes and candy – probably not allowed now because you are either shaming someone, someone has an allergy, someone will be offended, you are assuming a 7 year old’s gender, etc etc. Some stupid pile of steaming shit.
When I had a boyfriend, I did like getting flowers – flowers are pretty. When I didn’t, I always had friends and we did stuff so who cares.
When I had a husband, well…he was not the best at planning. I did like receiving flowers at work because of course you do – especially when everyone else does. But he thought it was stupid to pay 2-3x for the same flowers as any other day. True – makes sense. But still… Also…didn’t get many flowers on all those other days. But anyone who says they don’t like being thought of on a day that is made to make you feel bad if you don’t is lying.
And since being divorced, I truly have not give much thought to Valentine’s Day. Other than the fact that the commercials, and the commercial-ness, on this “holiday” have gotten beyond stupid (can be said for most holidays though.) It went from a “tell the person you love that you love them” to buy them a car or diamonds and it’s really a holiday for your entire family and if you do not receive a house full of flowers and gifts no matter from who you are a complete loser.
But what I realized last night (after yet another barrage of dumb ads – looking at you Kay) is that I have always had a fluffy best friend to hang out with on V Day, no matter what, ever since 2001. I have never spent a Valentine’s Day without my dog(s). Until this year. And had a cat before that…so like 1996? But not in 2022.
So yeah, now I truly hate this holiday.
It’s been 1 month since I lost Smokey. Was 4 weeks this past Sunday but today is the “1 month”. I didn’t even realize it was the 9th until mid morning.
It’s hard to believe it has already been so long. I’ve tried to keep myself extra busy today to not focus on it. Pretty impossible since every single thing in this house, in this neighborhood, everywhere, reminds me of our daily routine and life. And how different it all is now.
On one of today’s afternoon walks with my neighbor and her dogs (I did 2 today with 2 different neighbors to stay outside and busy), I saw 2 different people who would always smile and wave (and stop to say hi if they were out walking and not just driving by) every time they saw us. One lady always stopped to chit chat and let her dog say hi to Smokey. Neither did that today because I am sure they did not recognize me. I did not have Smokey. Everyone knew Smokey – even if they did not know me as anything but Smokey’s mom.
Still cry every day. Still light a candle every evening. I still say goodnight to him and tell him I love him every night. I know I will someday not do this – at least the crying part – but I don’t know when.
Whenever Smokey and I would come back from a neighbor’s dinner or party or whatever, we still had to have our nighttime routine. Even truncated down to 15-20 minutes if we got home late. Get home, mom puts on her PJs, washes her face, gives Smokey his post-dinner treats (even if he had treats at the party etc) then Mom sits down, turns TV on, check email, check markets, etc. But sits there in the living room while Smokey has his treat and settles in.
Then after 10-15 minutes, I could take my vitamins, brush my teeth etc. Give Smokey nighttime skooshes, turn off lights etc. But there was zero chance we could just do that when we got home. Smokey and I had our routines – many of them – and there was no changing that. But that’s OK, it was comforting.
I remember trying to just go to bed if we got home late (my neighbor dinners can go late) but then he would just pace around the house, unsettled. So having this routine, even if shortened, made everything ok. Why would I not do that.
My neighbor had me over for dinner a few days ago. And then another neighbor dinner tonight. And I have another tomorrow. I truly appreciate that everyone is concerned about me. But coming home to no routine breaks my heart.
Just when I think I might be a little bit better, I realize that I am not. At all.
4 weeks ago I was at the vet all day with Smokey. 4 weeks and 1 day ago, everything was great.
But I do not even remember Saturday night 4 weeks ago. I remember bringing him home after 6pm. I remember he was sedated and I wanted him to sleep. Hopefully getting rest so his body would heal. Even a little.
I remember coming home. And I remember setting up camp on the sofa to watch him all night. But what did I do all evening? Did I skoosh him? Did I tell him I loved him? I don’t know. All I am doing is crying right now. Why didn’t I just lay down with him all evening? And all night? Was I hoping that all would be better in the morning? I knew better. What the fuck did I do? I want to throw up.
Most Fridays over the last few years, we’d go for our afternoon walk. Come home, do some chores, get Smokey his dinner, then shower, start Smokey on his post-dinner treats, have a glass of wine or bubbly, make my dinner, give my Smokey another treat, eat my dinner, clean up after dinner, give Smokey another treat. Then settle in, check stock stuff, check email, check anything on my phone and put that on the charger, and finally watch a show to relax after the week or work/trading/whatever. And give Smokey his final treat before he settled in.
Today, I did this. Minus anything to do with Smokey.
So really – I did everything but have my best friend there.
I cannot settle in. I cannot not relax. I am tired. Exhausted actually. But that’s different. I’m just sad.
Tried going on a walk yesterday. Was going to try in the early AM – but could not. Really not ready for that yet. Had appliance repair showing up anytime after 11am so told myself after they were done, I could go. They were gone by 1pm and I got dressed to go. But did not.
At 4pm, I said I had to do this. Even just a short one. Got out, walked up the street about 4 houses and saw my neighbor and her 2 dogs (Smokey’s good friends). They were so happy to see me it was impossible not to smile. She invited me back to her house for dinner and wine and I just said yes without thinking.
It was nice to see another human, skoosh buddies, kind of talk it out in between talking about other random subjects like TV shows. Share Veuve. Walked home around 10pm but sad instantly when I got home. Finally fell asleep around midnight.
Did not sleep well.
Had a complete breakdown around 10am. Good times.
It’s been so hard for me to do anything. My brain is unfocused. Foggy. Whether it’s trading, researching stocks, crypto (took me 3 days to manage to complete a swap that should have taken 10 minutes), home projects, even placing a stupid Sephora order. I cannot complete anything – I start, I get sad or distracted or just zone out. I pace all the damn time because I cannot just sit down. But when I think about actual exercise – I can’t. Basically – a fn mess.
Had to go to the dentist this afternoon, and then Ace for more ice melt and then pick up mail. Got home and said ok – I’m already dressed so I need to go out for a walk. And I did. Actually texted same neighbor and she was just going out on her walk so we did our “short neighborhood loop”. Then saw another other neighbor out with his dog. Told me they were getting worried about me and that he was so happy to see me out. We chatted about random stuff and then dogs.
Glad I went out on a cold afternoon walk. Glad I saw people. But sad again.
Thursday is Chicago PD day. And I have a Boba Fett ep. Will try to distract myself. And try to get to sleep early. I think 2 days of talking to other humans exhausted me. Or maybe it was just multiple conversations of how I am doing. Which is not great but no one wants to hear that.
Last night I said I needed to go for a walk. I needed to exercise. Or at least move around not in my pajamas.
I got up early, got dressed, rolled my recycling can up my incredibly icy driveway in the pretty darn chilly morning. Set my recycling can and looked up the street. The street I started our walks on. In the cold AMs Smokey loved. Started to cry. Went back home, put on my pajamas and have barely left the couch.
I’ll try again tomorrow.
Third day of complete meltdown mode. Not sure what the hell but cannot even focus on anything clearly. At all.
Tried working on projects over the weekend. Got some stuff done. Realized it was my first full weekend alone. Lost Smokey on a Sunday. H stayed through till the following Sun AM. Ed came to visit last weekend. And now here I was.
Weekdays are a little easier as I read about stocks, go into my trading groups, mindlessly read finance twitter. It’s really been hard to focus on anything though. Like..at all.
Then last night I saw that Alexa was down. Then noticed my Smokey picture screensaver was gone. I assume H or E did this. Or Alexa knew to do it. But I re-added pictures. I felt I was awful for not having them there. Well..then I kept seeing them. I cried like 6 times today. So I cancelled that function for now.
I realized today that I moved into this house full time 9 years ago. I had Stormy here with me for 9 months. Then alone for 5 months. Then Smokey for next 8 years. This house is a constant memory of Smokey. And I think I chose this house to live (versus the bay area house) because that house was a constant memory of Angelus and Storm. So I left it. Now here I am.
It’s been a rough day. And weekend. And month. I can only hope February is better. Even just a little bit better would be welcome.
Maybe I need a day or 3 where I simply do not get out of bed. Because trying to move on and do stuff is not working.
