a99kitten's Musings

Fell asleep last night pretty quickly around 11pm which might be the first time in 9 weeks that I’ve fallen asleep a) quickly and b) before midnight. But I knew it was a full moon so was not optimistic.

Woke up at 3:30am. Tossed and turned for an hour. Gave in and checked the futures, news, played my card trading games, daily Wordle. Considered just getting up and doing a Peloton ride. But I knew I’d be so exhausted later plus getting up early to exercise means going out for a hike. Finally pulled the blanket over my head around 6am after a final look at the market. And fell asleep. Woke up at 7:25am thinking it must be 10. Woke up, traded furiously for 15 minutes (did well so yay) and spent the next couple of hours trying to make the day seem normal again. Sleep has been so out of sync.

Did my Peloton ride at 10:30. Errands after the market closed – yes Safeway was a nightmare (the snow sucks why are there so many fn tourists here???) Actually locked my car – I used to not even think about it since Smokey was there – sticking his head out the window. Wasn’t terribly worried about anyone trying to break in with a wolf-looking creature staring back at them from the back seat. Got home, then did a 2+ hour walk. Opened my mail, put away final winter decor (dumb to keep fighting it I guess) and brought out Easter decor for no good reason. Showered and made dinner and sat down around 7:30 to watch a show. That I cannot concentrate on.

Stayed pretty busy today. Again. Keep staying busy even with lack of good sleep. But I don’t care about any of it. All I wish I could do was go on a hike with Smokey. Remembered our last hike up at Coldwater – was beautiful. I remember the pics I took but know I cannot look at them now. I miss just walking in the forest with him. Knowing we had each other’s back. Knowing he was there.

Plus realized next week will be 10 years since Angelus left me. I truly wish I could crawl in bed and stay there.

He was my best friend.

I cry every day. And am just so tired. Tired of trying to be OK.

The past couple of days I have been keeping myself busy, and doing my very best to not get sad. Trading, working on projects, doing my stupid Peloton, did laundry, cleaned up the garage, going for walks, did errands yesterday. I even decided to finally throw away 1 of the old dog beds. It was actually Angelus’, which then Shadow used and then Smokey. It was so hard to wash, and so old with rips. I even thought, after I bought several new beds for Smokey, that I could finally throw it away. But he still loved it so we kept it. For years. But yesterday – I disassembled it and threw the cover away. I did it.

This morning I woke up to it snowing. Honestly forgot about that in the forecast. But I still held it together. Saw Smokey’s friend Boomer as I dragged the recycling bin up in the snow at 7am, in my PJs and snow boots, and skooshed him. Still held it together.

I even thought after my walk this afternoon that it was good to not be so terribly sad for a little while. #jinx

Then this evening I see that the weather warmed up so much this late afternoon/evening that not only did our fresh snow melt out there but so did a bit more of Smokey’s snow pile. And 1 of Smokey’s buried bones was just sitting there on the deck. I guess it fell out of the frozen pile. Just like as if he left it there to chew on later this evening while I watched a TV show before bed.

Honestly, no way I can throw more of Smokey’s stuff away right now. So I will go back to ignoring the deck and Smokey’s snow piles for now.

So…not as good as I was.

Was just invited over to a neighbor’s house for dinner tonight. Same neighbor whose dog – Smokey’s best friend – just died a few days ago. Who was going to put him down the day before they did – but did not probably partly because of my discussions with their daughter (who was and is still extremely distraught and sad). He was doing OK on his brand new meds and I could not for the life of me understand what the f.

Then the next day, when the daughter was at school, they decided to put him down that day because he had a rough night. Was coughing all night. Had no interest in going out (he had been completely energetic prior to now.) His lips were blue. The vet said he was having a hard getting getting oxygen. I did not see him that day. Not sure longer on the new meds would have made a difference. Or if he would have suffered and gotten worse. The vet supported the decision to delay the day before but was now agreeing so I assume it was the right decision. Even if terribly sad.

But now it’s 3 days later and they are having friends over for dinner? I have to say I am a bit shocked. And have not responded yet. It’s certainly not my place to say how someone should mourn. Everyone handles grief and sadness differently. But 3 days to act like normal and like nothing has happened or is different?

Not really sure how to respond to be honest..

Every day I try to get up early now, look at the markets, look at my games, trade, exercise, stay busy, work on home projects, exercise again, make dinner, binge watch shows, read, etc etc etc.

I stay busy. I keep my brain occupied. I chit chat on my walks and it feels good to be out of head. It’s why I need the Peloton apps on my alone walks, and TV on when I’m at home. No quiet time.

Because when I let my brain relax, when things are quiet, I get sad. And I cry. And I know it’s healthy to let it out. But every night seems bad.

So I try not to sometimes.

And I’m pretty tired. Really, really, tired.

What I want is to spend the say curled up in bed, or on the sofa, under blankets in the dark watching TV or sleeping. And I tell myself I am going to do that tomorrow. But then I do not. Because that is not healthy.

No matter what bad shit has happened in my life, I have not allowed myself more than a NyQuil dose of sleep.

Still tired though.

Smokey’s best friend Thunder passed over the rainbow bridge tonight. Today is also the 2 month “anniversary” of Smokey’s passing. I hope Thunder finds Smokey.

I looked through my pictures to find cute ones of Smokey & Thunder. I did find some cute ones. And sobbing. My soul is broken all over again.

Fuck 2022. Truly.

I’m trying. I really, really am. But it doesn’t work. At least not for very long.

Friday I made a few trades, worked on home junk, and did multiple exercise sessions. It was starting to snow early and flurries and wind all day. Then my neighbor asked if they could bring their dog by for a hello. I thought it was to check in on me, but I think it was a way for them to prepare to say goodbye soon. Thunder came in and immediately stole 1 of Smokey’s toys. I said he could have it – Smokey would like that. Thunder was his best friend from his first week or so here and he was always so happy to see him. Thunder has def aged in the last couple of months. And this breaks my heart some more.

Yesterday, I worked on my toy projects and took a long walk as it was snowing. Started crying towards the end – cool. I also snowshoed to my “crawl space” in the AM as the door opened up and set off my alarm in the middle of the night #superfun Assumed it was not a serial killer and waited till the AM to deal with it. Found a dead mouse inside as soon as I checked the door. Great. Locked it up – the exterminator will have to deal with that. But I realized I missed snowshoeing. A lot. But I also realized I have literally never snowshoed without a buddy. So…nevermind. And then binge watched 3 hours of The Dropout before trying to fall asleep and not being able to until well past midnight. Again.

Today I goofed around on my dumb Star Wars and Disney games for way too long, did some home project junk, multiple exercise sessions, shoveled my driveway and am now trying to finish being caught up on The Walking Dead.

But guess what – after watching The Dropout and realizing I didn’t really read much about the whole Theranos debacle other than knowing it was one, I read a few Vanity Fair articles about her and low and behold – she adopted a husky puppy (who she would claim was a wolf) and took him to work every day. Of course she did.

Then watching The Walking Dead, all I do is worry about the fate of Dog – a GS or Malinois. Eat the humans? Sure. Please keep this dog safe. Darryl got him some good snacks in the latest episode I am watching.

I simply cannot escape constant reminders to make me remember and be sad of my loss. No matter what I do. No matter what projects I do, what exercise I do, or what random TV shows or movies I watch. That is my daily life. Constant reminders. 8 weeks in. 8 weeks since my heart broke…again. Feels like a decade so far. I have also aged in the last couple of months.

Today I sat down on the stairs to tie my snow boots to go for a walk. Like I’ve done almost every day for years and years. But unlike at least 2x a day for the past 8 years, I did not get a Smokey kiss, or skoosh as I did it. It’s still heartbreaking. And I cried.

It’s been almost 2 months. I feel like I cannot get past this loss. And perhaps because I’ve forged my way forward past other losses in my life because that’s simply what you have to do. You suck it up. But it’s tiring. Maybe just too many. Every day I still cry. I mourn. I wake up aimlessly. I used to pop out of bed no matter how tired, how cold outside and say let’s go for a walk. Snowing? Raining? Who cares. And Smokey made sure I did. Now, I do not.

Now I move throughout my day aimlessly. I try to fill it with trading and exercise and projects and games to keep my brain from turning to mush, seeing my neighbors for walks or dinners and binge watching TV at night to keep the noise going as I fall asleep so I do not have to deal with the quiet – which I used to love. But now I hate.

But it’s all filler. It’s all stuff I’ve always done every day in between walks and hikes and snowshoe adventures, and beach visits, errands with my buddy as a co-pilot, and taking a million pictures to share of my best friend so the world who followed could smile too. And skooshing all the time, and making his homemade food, and cleaning up after his fur, and crumbs. All of the daily adventures we had, and making sure to say good morning and goodnight. And many hugs in between. And knowing we were doing it all again the next day.

Now I just have the filler.

Day started fine. Woke up, made some trades, made a little money, worked on projects, did a ride – felt pretty ok.

Had to hit up the grocery store before the combo of snow and the weekend aka tourist hell. It’s actually really weird to leave my house in a car without Smokey. So I get sad every single time. And then Safeway was a hellhole and the amount of skier assholes in there was fn ridiculous. I hate it here now.

Then I had to get gas. I’ve put it off for almost 2 weeks – luckily I don’t go anywhere. You’d think the stupid amount of money you spend at the pump would be the sad part of the trip. But no. As I was there, a jeep pulled up with a husky mix in the front. I recognized him. And then the guy called him Smokey. Yep – he was the dog my Smokey played with a few times at the park. They had the best time running around the forest the first time they met. K….kept it together.

Came home, put everything away and decided to do a walk to get outside and clear my head. My walking partner neighbor is out of town so it would be alone. My first walk alone since losing Smokey. Decided to do a Peloton Outside walk so I was not “alone”. Was going along fine – fun. Then I saw the fucking piece of shit asshole who lives in our neighborhood who has 2 vicious fuckhead dogs. Dogs who have lunged at my dogs since Angelus and Storm. Dogs who attacked Smokey multiple times. Dogs who I reported to the police.

Without Smokey, I went ahead and crossed the street and kept doing my Peloton Outside walk and ignored them. This fn guy lets his dogs go out on their extend-o leashes as they were snarling and barking (as they do to everyone, every time) and inches away from me. Like…WHAT THE FUCK. So I stopped and looked at him and flipped him off in his face and kept walking. The next time, I am taking my phone out and videoing the encounter. And then telling him I am reporting to the cops again. Fn asshole.

Then home, calmed myself down, put everything away from store and mail, looked for a new hoodie online, did household junk and then took a shower. Started dinner and played my trading games while cooking. Then saw I had a boatload of FB notifications so opened the app to clear it and see if missed a birthday. FIRST FN THING ON THE SCREEN is an awful/sad dog related post on out locals FB page. I immediately closed the app. I do not know what the post was about – just that is started out – first 2 lines – awfully and had a pics of a dog. Did not need to read anything more to know it was awful and would make me even sadder.

The last time I opened FB, same thing happened. I think this is a sign to delete this from my phone. I can not handle this crap right now. And possibly ever. All that is going through my head right now is what happened. But I refuse to look. Because I will cry.

Truly exhausted right this second. I want to just go to bed and curl up but not sleepy exhausted. Just exhausted. I hate everything.

So yeah, F 2022.

I’ve come home from my afternoon walk and shoveled the back deck for 2 days now – Monday and Tuesday. I cleared from the sliding glass door to the front of the BBQ, and a path to the stairs and railing. Like I would for Smokey. But not as much as I would for him, but started. Plus cleared about 1 foot off the giant pile that was his.

It’s been the first time I’ve gone out there since he left me.

I got very sad yesterday after doing it so decided not to do it today. I decided that already on my walk. But I still looked out there tonight.

Then I saw them. The paw prints. In the newly-shoveled, topped-off snow pile. So I went out there. The snow was soft, so I know they were new. I touched the snow – yep. Soft. But paw prints all around. I looked at the pile of snow on the stairs and see them there too.

I know they are not Smokey’s. I don’t live in a fantasy world. I would imagine a coyote. Although that seems odd since that has never, ever happened and they are so skittish. But with Smokey gone, and a snow pile highway right up to the deck, maybe they smelled a buried treat and felt brazen enough? Smokey loved to bury his treats so I am sure there is at least 1 out there.

I know they are not Smokey’s. But I am not going to lie and say that when I first saw them, I didn’t look around for that milisecond before my analytical brain kicked in.

Or maybe they were Smokey’s…