a99kitten's Musings

Today started nicely enough. Woke up early, took Storm and Shadow out TOGETHER. First time ever for me to do myself. Fed them (separately of course.) Checked the market, answered some work email, took Shadow on a good, long hike to tire him out. Nothing crazy. Then…

As I was packing husband called and said the contractors called him to let him know that the power company came out to shut the power off at the new house where a *gajillion* contractors are working to finish the house. They told the guy to go away and come back later and they called husband who called me to yell at me that the former owner had sent me an email telling me this would happen and why didn’t I handle it. Huh? I said I never received such an email. He responded yes I did. No – no I didn’t. I instantly knew the guy had sent it to husband only and not me and husband assumed I was cced on it without looking or asking me. He called back to tell me this is what happened after looking through his email and could I please call the power, water and gas companies to fix it as they were all set to be shut off today if not re-assisgned to us. No sorry I yelled or assumed you were an idiot. OK. Whatever.

I called them all. Got it all switched over. Even after the power company said there was no way it would happen today without a signed application brought in or mailed. I explained that was not how this was going to go. Got a supervisor. All fine. OK, crisis averted. Move the day along.

Then, I wanted to start getting the car loaded for the drive to Tahoe. Shadow was sleeping in the entryway. I said come on, “let’s go” all happy-like. Luckily I had opened the front door before I did this. He charged me and bared his teeth. I backed up fast put up my knee to prevent any jumping at me and his tooth got my leg but it doesn’t hurt although he did break the skin. I was far more worried about Storm who came to the stairs to see what was happening and started to come down. Instantly I envisioned Storm getting attacked as Shadow turned around (as Storm was ah-rooing) and I yelled NO. He turned and started coming back towards me and again I said NO but to him. He laid down but I was a bit freaked out. I had Storm at the top of the stairs and me outside. I called husband who told me to start my car and pull away and that Shadow would come out to follow. I did and he only came out after I backed back into the driveway. He started coming outside so I opened the tailgate and he jumped in. I slammed it shut and left the windows open with the A/C blasting for him. Got the car loaded and Storm in the back seat and off we went.

THEN, I got pulled over by a CHP for speeding. I was speeding. I didn’t argue with him. But he was probably the nicest (and funniest) cop I’ve ever met. He approached the car and asked if I knew why I was being pulled over? I innocently said no. He said he clocked me at 81 in a 65. Hmm. Probably I thought. My car is very fast with no effort at all. He then said had he known he was pulling over such a pretty girl, he wouldn’t have. Aww. I see wjat he was doing – he disarms you so that your anger/frustration goes away/gets less. Smart. Then he went on saying how he was so sorry to pull over a basically law-abiding citizens. He said I’m sure you will get this ticket and pay it and move on, even probably not to try and speed for awhile (I laughed.) He said but later on tonight he will pull over a yahoo who won’t pay his ticket, will have a warrant issued, get arrested and spend a couple nights in jail costing the taxpayers money. He went on to say that the ticket money that I send won’t go to the police but be spent on some governement waste as usual.

Then he added how he hated this system but it was his job to write tickets all day no matter what so he would write me up for 79 instead if 81 which changes the ticket amount level. He apologized for having to write the ticket and said I could contest it if I wanted. Wha? Then after he gave me the ticket he said it was very dangerous on the road so he will clear the traffic so I could get out into it. OK….

Was quite funny. I never contest speeding tickets. I speed every time I am on the freeway. Never on city streets or residential – ever. But the freeway? Unless it’s raining/snowing – I am speeding. Have you ever tried going the speed limit on the freeway? It’s like you are driving 20 mph. So when I do get a ticket (about 1 every 2-3 years), I view it as my offering to the highway gods. But he was pretty darn funny and did take away any annoyance I probably would have felt. Excellent skills he had.

To pile onto the day, ZNGA reported their crap earnings and my position took a good digger after hours. Should be a fun morning when i check my account. I have basically written off that position, leaving it in my account to hopefully be worth something some day. But still. Jackasses. Grrrr.

I got to the house and the mountain air IS glorious. The house is a complete mess. When I mention it to husband he looked at me and said “really?” Sigh….Oh, and then he added that the realtor called with a viewing tomorrow at 4pm. So apparently I get to clean tomorrow AM. Yay! In between all the work I brought up with me. Double-yay!

Then just for a chuckle, husband says (after we were discussing a news story) “the whole reason I married you is because you’re the only girl I’ve ever met who isn’t completely crazy.” Hmm. Well, that’s probably a good damn thing or you would be dead by now.

Sigh. I am not in a bad mood at all (strangely?) but some relaxing is in order so I just opened a bottle of wine and poured myself a glass. Tonight shall be mine. Now, what’s on my DVR…

I have learned my lesson. Don’t post personal info or pics online for the world to see unless you truly don’t care what the world spits back at you.

I used to never, ever post any pictures of myself or information about myself online. My FB account is as locked down as it could be. I don’t even accept friend requests from people I do know. Just because I knew you at one time, does not mean I want to continue that. I ignore most LinkedIn requests. But twitter…for some reason I always felt more free to talk on twitter. I didn’t use my name, I certainly never used their location-tracking (had 1 real life stalker in the past, didn’t need another) and it was just silly fun blah blah anyway.

The only pics I EVER used to post were of the huskies or Star Wars related stuff. I was pretty locked down in my opinion. Kind of how I am in real life. But then I went to Comic Con a couple years ago and ended up posting a few of me with various stuff around SDCC. No harm. And no weirdness. So I let my guard down and posted a couple from Niners games or whatever over time.

Then this year I went to SDCC and posted some pics again. And I’m not sure what happened. Is it me? Did I just happen to collect a few weirdo followers on twitter? Who knows. And usually I only follow people back if they reach out to me and comment and I see their feed and they seem normal. Apparently my judgement sucks. But by the wholly inappropriate series of direct messages sent to me last night – for the 3rd time (3rd different person) – it has become clear I am going back to posting pictures of huskies and Star Wars related stuff. And that’s it. I deleted some of the pics last night and will probably go back and just do them all.

No big loss to the world, the huskies are way cuter anyway, but I really wish guys would get it through their fn heads that most girls really don’t like being talked to in a such a manner. Certainly not by people they do not know. I’ve thrown drinks in guys faces at bars for less but on twitter/online there is no drink to throw. Just block and move on.

I’m not always as cold and unfeeling as I appear to be. But maybe I’ll get there. Until then, keep the walls up.

The sadness and tragedy of what happened last night/early this morning is undeniable. Those people were excited all day about seeing a fun movie, maybe even dressed up in costume, hung out for hours in line joking around and making “line friends” and going over the details of the last 2 Batman movies or the comics. Everyone was excited and happy. And certainly not looking over their shoulder for a complete psycho.

The news stories I’ve read with witness accounts are scary. I cannot even imagine how frightening that was for people.

I love comics. And I love movies. I’ve been to midnight showings for the Star Wars prequels, Indiana Jones IV and the Twilight movies. It’s an event and is super fun. At no time did I ever, ever worry about my safety. And I’m sure the same could be said for everyone else there with me. Sadly, that might not be true anymore. Will it stop me from going to midnight showings? No. But it will make me think about. And that’s just wrong.

Comic books and movies were made for the purpose of escaping. Escaping into a different world. Fantasy. Escape your hectic life for a couple hours, maybe your kids, certainly the world. But some sociopath decided to bring his insanity to others. And to wreck that escape. Solely because he is sociopath.

I’d be surprised if we didn’t get some parade of how he was abused as a child, bullied in school, hated by others, blah blah blah. Doesn’t matter. Even if hundreds of people treated him like crap all of his life – they didn’t kill him. And I’m betting none of them were in that theater. But in today’s society, you are almost never responsible for your own actions. Someone will find some disorder that applies. And justify your actions for you. And place at least some of the blame elsewhere. Well guess what? No. He is simply a psycho.

And guess what else? He would have been able to get weapons legally OR illegally if he really wanted. So I don’t want to hear that strict gun control laws would have prevented this. It would not have. Criminals will always be able to get weapons. Always. So this political volleyball will undoubtedly be bounced around. And that is stupid. But stupidity never stopped politicians from doing anything.

And reading stories how this is related to Batman and the comic book universe? I can’t even respond to something so stupid.

Be sad for the people that lost their lives and were injured. Be sad for their families. And be a little sad for yet another pocket of fun and innocence being ruined for us all.

http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/43860706-d0e3-11e1-8957-00144feabdc0.html#ixzz21CAv0YGt

….”have we found out how many Jedi Knights there are in England and Wales?

We don’t yet know. Almost 400,000 people stated that their religion was “Jedi” in the 2001 census, making belief in The Force the fourth most popular religion. I have no idea whether Jedism is an evangelical religion or not. If it is, that number might well have risen.

It all seems rather confusing to me.

That’s just an old Jedi mind trick.”

That is pretty darn funny if you ask me. I hope the 2011 census shows even more! :)

Shadow is interesting. I am 99.9% convinced he is husky/wolf (versus any other dog mix.) And yet I think Angelus was still more of a true alpha dog. Angelus would walk into dog parks or on the beach and other dogs just respected him. There was none of the rushing him or trying to dominate him you see when there are a pack of dogs and a new one comes in. It was like they just knew. They would run up to him but then just stop. And sniff. And respect. He would never, ever start a fight. Not one in his life. But he did finish a few. And they were mostly when other dogs attacked Storm. As alpha, it was Angelus’ job to protect his pack. And he did. Of course, Storm started most of them because he wanted to be the underboss only to Angelus.

Shadow definitely tried to assert his dominance a bit in the house when he arrived. As a rescue I think that is normal as he is trying to figure out where his place in the pack is. As long as it is addressed immediately, it should be fine. And he has gotten much, much better in the few weeks we have had him. I still won’t have food around when both he and Storm are together but they have been doing better and you can tell he is a sweetheart. But he doesn’t try and crap with me anymore.

Around other dogs he is typically very jovial and playful and not aggressive but does do the humping thing which is a sign of him trying to show his dominance. And has smacked down dogs who try and steal his ball. That’s normal dog behavior though. But he has actually allowed a couple of other dogs to try & hump him. Crikey – Angelus would not have had ANY of that business. Ever. But I think that’s because other dogs just knew not to try it. I don’t recall a time when a dog did try it with him. Well, Storm tried it when he was an older puppy, not quite teenager age. Angelus smacked him down a few times and we had to pull them apart a couple times. And then Storm realized it just wasn’t going to happen and never tried again (with Angelus that is.)

Interestingly, you see these same behaviors in people. The male species much more but not always limited to boys. How many times is the term Alpha Male thrown around? In reality, most of the boys it is attached to are more beta than alpha. Constantly trying to jockey for position and show who is more alpha. A true alpha is known. He does not have to show he is alpha. At times he could be challenged and will deal with it, but doesn’t need to walk around trying to show the others how he is the boss all the time. He just is. It’s confidence and respect.

Go hang out with a group of investment bankers, lawyers, CEOs or athletes. Rather entertaining really. But no, they are not all alpha males. Maybe they want to be. But there is only 1 alpha (male/female) in each pack. And watching all of the betas try and impress the alpha or challenge the alpha can be interesting. Of course you also have the omega. Poor Omega.

Take a football team, you have a group of over-testosteroned guys who all view themselves as top dog material trying to outdo each other. But really – the coach, or in a few cases, the QB (looking at you Peyton), are the true alpha. No one gives him any guff or challenges him. Period. And they generally suck up a little in the hopes they will be the pack beta who gets to take over at some point when the alpha is not around. When the alpha wolf is not around, a beta can take over temporarily. When the alpha in injured or dies, a beta will step up and take over. With people, you will see this jockeying a LOT. How many VPs suck up to the CEO on a regular basis?

Michael Corleone is a good example. Vito was alpha. Michael took over as alpha even while Vito was around because at some point, the alpha will step back. And then you had all of the buffers in the pack who want to be next to him and hope to take over as well as the alphas of other packs (although wolf packs generally leave each other alone – they are much more civilized than humans.) Humans tend to have a 2nd in command in place like the true Beta wolf. Like Spock or Number 1 on Star Trek :) With humans he is more of a patient, alpha type as well who can and will step in at the right time and not just a pack member who wants to impress or simply be part of the pack or *think* he can fill the alpha role. Human packs tend to have a lot of those. That kind of behavior gets smacked down pretty quick in wolf packs.

Being an alpha male doesn’t mean you walk around bellowing and being obnoxious and showing off. It means you have the most freedom to go and do what you want. And the pack naturally follows you. You get to mate with the alpha female. And wolves are generally monogamous. Most male humans who think they are alpha male seem to think it also gives them the right to mate with all the females they can find. Tacky.

When I lost Angelus, and someone asked if I would get another dog and what kind, I thought about that for a second. I knew I would want another dog in my life but didn’t know when. But what I did know was that I wanted another one like him. No other dog will ever truly be the same as he was very special. But I knew I couldn’t have a submissive dog. At the beach you see the dogs that just run up to everyone, love everyone and roll and submit to every dog. They are always sweet doggies but they weren’t challenging. At all.

Angelus and Storm have always been my dogs. They love me and I never doubted that. I was alpha to them. And when people came up to pet them or stop them and see them, they could not have cared less about them. They cared about their pack – people and dogs who they came to know well. But that’s it. Everyone else was there to give them a treat or move on. Stormy was more friendly and effusive to strangers as a puppy but then I think he took an Angelus’ (or maybe my?) traits. I’m not sure what that says about me, but the idea of slobbery, goofy, run up to everyone to love them and roll over kinda dog was not going to happen. Ever. I actually got sad thinking about that possibility.

I know some people prefer that type of dog (or significant other) because they don’t want to be challenged. Just want the submissive. They say people choose dogs that look similar to them. I have actually seen that in real life. Weird actually! Well, I don’t have pointy ears so don’t think I look anything like a husky! But maybe it’s more you go for dogs that match you (not necessarily in looks.)

Huskies are considered challenging and not meant for first time dog owners. They are highly intelligent but get easily bored and need to stay stimulated. They are great problems solvers (i.e. will break into the fridge and out of the yard.) They are very independent but are loving with their pack. They are friendly but are not overly effusive dogs with just anyone (see Golden Retrievers or Labs.) I think our personalities match pretty well. For better or worse :)

Doing some backlogged filing today since I’ve been in Tahoe so much lately. Had to make a new file for Shadow’s adoption. Then had to make room in my office filing drawer. Only thing I was able to move was Angelus’ file. Which made me sad all over again. Probably triggered today due to combination of neighbor stopping by today as I was loading Storm in the car to go to the beach and asking where Angelus and then receiving a letter from his insurance company officially cancelling his policy and alerting to me to a credit coming back to me. Yay. I’d give all my money to get him back healthy.

It was 3 months yesterday. I woke up out of sorts and it stuck with me all day. Still very sad. Every day still. But at least I don’t bust out in tears every day anymore. That’s got to be annoying for others.

Storm and I are trying to soldier through. I do think Storm is doing better. He seems like he is used to his new routine, if not his new adopted brother (at. all.)

But this year’s birthday season won’t be quite as festive for me. One of my closest friends won’t be there to celebrate with me.

We adopted a new doggie last Wednesday. I wasn’t really sure I was ready, and concerned how it would effect Storm, but husband was missing Angelus a lot and didn’t even have the company of Storm as he is strictly a Momma’s dog and could care less about anyone else.

The doggie we adopted is a very sweet Malamute/Siberian Husky (seemingly) mix. But I know he has something else in him. It’s either German Shepherd or wolf/wolf hybrid. But he was rescued out of the shelter as a puppy originally so it’s all a guess. I ordered a doggie DNA test but they don’t test for wolf or coyote. We’ll see.

On his first night here, he and Storm got into a tussle over what seemed to be cookie crumbs. Storm sniffed them and Shadow (his new name) growled, Storm growled and BAM they were going at it. Husband and I each grabbed a dog and I pulled Shadow’s mouth off Storm’s face. But he didn’t bite down as Storm had no injury, just some spit bu he was just very upset. Stormy wears his heart on his sleeve and has always gotten his feelings hurt when other dogs attack him. But he’s always had Angelus around to back him up and take care of things quickly.

I was very upset. I do not want Storm’s life upset. We have a set routine and it works very well for him. The loss of Angelus was very tough on him and that followed a long medical issue. But he’s doing so well now and I was unsure if a new dog would upset him or make him happy since he has had Angelus around him all of his life. So we took Storm with us to meet the potential adoptees. He got along (meaning he basically ignored or sniffed a little) pretty much all of them. A couple of the younger guys were going to be too much but Shadow (originally Rontu) seemed pretty relaxed with Storm and loving to people. But he seems to have a food aggression issue with other dogs (not us though.)

But since that first night, which was pretty much our fault since we treated him like Angelus and not like a new dog who doesn’t know us or his new house, he and Storm have kinda hung out together, gone on short walks together and gotten along. I’ve not allowed them to hang out alone together though. And he gets along great with every other dog he meets even if they (usually older ones who want no part in playing) growl at him to go away.

Yesterday afternoon we took them both out for a short walk and I brought Storm in first. He went into the laundry room, where a water bowl is, to get some water. I followed behind him to grab a light bulb. Apparently husband let Shadow in off-leash (we’ve been keeping him on leash inside as per introducing a new dog to the house) and I’m not sure what happened as it all happened so fast but as I turned around, Shadow was attacking Storm so I pushed Storm back behind me (pushing over the elevated water bowls as well) and Shadow got my right hand. Not sure anything has hurt so much ever. I kept Storm behind me and pushed Shadow back and he got my left wrist and hand as well. By then husband had run in and grabbed Shadow and got him locked into the bedroom.

By now, I sunk down to the floor and tears just started flowing from the upset and pain. And an awesome pool of blood was forming on the floor and all over me. Husband came in to ask what happened and saw the blood and ran to get towels. I was trying to stay calm but I was upset. I took a wet towel from him but told him to check Storm who turned out to be totally fine. I got him out of the way in time. Husband got him out of the laundry room, walking right through my blood and leaving little bloody paw prints CSI style, and to the deck so he could check him again and keep him out there. Storm actually seemed totally normal so I am glad I did act quickly.

By now I was getting cold and shivering which is apparently due to shock. Yes – I was pretty shocked. I have never had a family pet hurt me before. I’ve been bit my dogs at the dog park or beach a couple times as I pulled them off my dog but they have never drawn blood. And I’d rather take the bite then allow Storm to get bit (Angelus would never get bit as he would kick the ass of any dog who started anything.)

After holding a cold towel on it for awhile to stop the bleeding husband cleaned the punctures as well as I’d let him (fracking hurt.) He kept trying to get me to go to the ER but all they would do is clean it, bandage it and charge me hundreds of dollars after insurance after sitting in the waiting room in pain and bleeding for 2 hours. I would have probably gotten some good pain meds but whatever. I hate doctors and especially ERs. Meh.

Put some anti-bacterial spray on the wounds and bandaged them. Because it’s my hands, and one of them is on the inside, we put a bunch of cotton in the palm of my right hand and taped it. This kept it more straight as the fold of my hand kept opening the wound and causing more bleeding. Storm came in and hung out by my feet which is unusual for him. He really is a sweet little guy.

I was definitely in shock as I felt nauseous and was like ice. So I sat on the couch the rest of the night under a blanket with my bandaged hands elevated on pillows. I’m sure it looked amusing. The bleeding eventually stopped but not the pain. I could not use my hands at all without hurting a LOT. I had some Vicodin leftover from my pinched nerve last year so put 2 on my nightstand in case the pain was that bad during the night (didn’t take though.) Went to bed and slept about 4 hours. The rest of the night I was awake and in pain.

Finally got out of bed at 5:30am to take Storm out really quick. I was pretty woozy and in pain so took 4 Advil. Figured that’d help with any swelling too. Fed Storm, very slowly, and have been on the couch ever since. I can’t really use my hands although my 2 forefingers work without pain so I can type slowly. And made some trades :)

I’m not sure what we are going to do now. I know Shadow was not attacking me and I essentially put my hands near/in his mouth. But that’s still not acceptable. He can’t be ready to attack Storm at any second. We will research food aggression and see what we can do. But I can honestly say I will never, ever leave Storm along with Shadow ever. Not ever. And that sucks.

We think it might be because the food container is in the laundry room so maybe Shadow felt he was protecting his food. But that’s not acceptable. At all. Storm was simply drinking water out of the bowls he has always used for water. And since it happened so fast, and my back was to them as I was reaching into a cabinet, I don;t know who growled at who first. But I don’t care. Giving a little growl is saying hey back off. That’s dog speak. Does not justify a full blown attack.

Obviously with rescues you don’t know what their history is, what happened to them. But the foster mom had other dogs in the house, so why is he so aggressive towards to Storm?

I think what makes me the saddest, even more sad than the pain and getting bit by a family pet and sitting here not able to do anything, is that it made me miss Angelus even more. And truly realize what an incredible personality he had. He would never bite me. Never growled at me. I never even worried about ever being bit by him no matter what I did. When he was a puppy we would take away his food and then give it back, same with treats and toys, so that he got used to us and never felt threatened. And he would give Storm a little lip if he came over when Angelus was eating but never, ever snapped at or tried to bite him. No matter what Storm did. He truly was a remarkable friend. To both me and Storm.

…today. In June. Pretty humorous. Especially considering it was a sunny and warm 75 degrees yesterday. Now my deck chairs have a layer of snow on them.

Even more snow is starting to stick to the ground so hopefully I get can get a pic later of a pretty winter wonderland. But this is a short video of when it first start really coming down…

Angelus would have loved this. Storm is sound asleep and could care less. He’s a funny guy.

Tomorrow it will be 2 months since I lost my big guy. I’m still not really any closer to being “over it” or much better.

I still think about him all the time, and think how unfair it is that he is missing out on more Mom time, Tahoe time, beach time. Our new house is on 5 acres which I basically wanted for him and Storm. He would have really loved to patrol his forest. He visited a few times during the remodel and had so much fun there and I was so excited to have the land for them.

I still cry almost every day. Although I don’t just break down and bawl every day or start tearing up when someone asks where he is so maybe that is getting “better”. But I still can’t look through his pictures. I still have his collar and tags in my purse from when we left the vet. It’s supposed to help to talk about it. But I still cry. Writing about it makes me cry a little less.

I still blame myself for not figuring it out. Maybe he did have more tumors or was riddled with cancer and maybe he would have not made it past a month or I would have had some horrible choice to make. But it all happened so quick and never got that far. And I’ll never know. And maybe that was better for him and me. He would have hated to be sick. His life was about having fun. And he would have been miserable sitting around. And having to make a choice regarding euthanasia was truly not something I could have handled. But I can’t stop thinking maybe he could have had his surgery and been OK. And here with us now.

He died from a hemoabdomen. A tumor on his spleen that ruptured and bled out. These tumors are likely due to hemangiosarcoma. According to the doctors and everything I read afterwards, there are no symptoms to watch for until it’s basically too late. All the doctors described it as the dog equivalent of a heart attack. You can be totally fine, no symptoms of anything, playing on the beach and bam. You get weak from the blood loss which is the first sign and unless it gets operated on right then, it’s probably too late.

They told me there was no way I would have ever known unless he got regular ultrasounds on his spleen and no one would ever do that unless their dog has had tumor issues in the past (like Storm has and does get ultrasounds.) His latest physical just 2 months prior showed once again he was perfectly healthy. His heart, ears, eyes, gums, all blood tests = perfect. No one could ever believe was 11 1/2 as he looked and acted so young. Even when they ran blood tests at the ER they were all perfect except that he was anemic due to the blood loss into his abdomen.

Best case scenario was they got in there and got the tumor and spleen out after stabilizing him. Then hope for finding no other tumors while they are in there. Apparently that is highly unlikely.

The ER doc and our regular vet said up to 85% of these cases end up being a super aggressive cancer (hemangiosarcoma) and that he would have 1-3 months at most and most of that recovering from his surgery. But that leaves at least a 15% chance that he would have been OK. Stormy wasn’t supposed to make it after his surgery and he’s here 1 1/2 years later still happily ah-rooing. So why not Angelus?

But they never got him stabilized. He started doing a little better after fluids and a blood transfusion but they said he was losing it too fast. And he just stopped breathing.

I know I am supposed to take some comfort that he did not suffer. Was not in pain. Played and had fun right up to his last few hours. And I am glad of that. He was the best dog in the world who brought so many people smiles and joy. He certainly deserved all the happiness and pain-free life he could have.

I took him to work pretty every day all of his life and there were some people who weren’t too happy with the idea of dogs in the workplace at first. But Angelus won them over. He was such a great ambassador for both his breed and dogs in general. So many people that met him at work (employees, guests, partners, etc.) would comment on how awesome the huskies were. How well behaved, sweet, etc. Everyone he met on walks or at the beach loved him.

Angelus only ever wanted to have fun. He was such a happy dog. But not in that slobbery lab kind of way. He was very chill. But could also be a spaz. His presence in my life was very calming. And I always had so much fun with him. Every day, every walk, all the time. Even when making me take him for a walk in the rain he would make me smile at his desire to sniff and want to see the world. He just wanted to walk and run and play on the beach and meet new buddies and walk and sniff and walk and pee on every tall stalk of grass he could find so every dog knew that Angelus was here.

He was never sick a day in his life which was why this was so sudden and painful. He had surgery for a torn ACL but never, ever sick. He was the one who was always there for me. When my mom died, when I had a miscarriage, when Stormy got sick and we almost lost him, when my little brother died. Angelus was the one always there to get me outside, get me out of my own head. And to just sit right next to me with his head on my feet while I cried.

I miss him staring at me when I wake up in the mornings saying with his eyes “get up!” Or sitting at my feet while I work. Or hanging out in the front yard staring out into the world waiting for his next adventure. Stormy and I still haven’t gone into the yard actually. Stormy is still sad, you can tell. He was with his brother every single day all of his life except the first 7.5 weeks.

Angelus taught me that the mornings are quiet, beautiful and awesome so sleeping in is for suckers.

He taught me to take every chance to get outside and enjoy it, even if it’s raining but especially if it’s snowing.

I miss him. And his handsome face and happy smile. And his presence. And hugging his big fluffiness.

I just miss him.

I tried looking through pictures of Angelus tonight and I still can’t. Not without crying. I miss him so much. His husky smile. And the smiles he brought me every day.

I try not to talk to people about it as people don’t want to deal with upset or sadness that isn’t their own. I understand this. Completely. Me = not emo. So I try and stay busy and make myself stay out of my head. But sometimes it’s just hard. I think it’s hardest when I’m tired. And ever since I lost him I just don’t sleep very well. The first week I took NyQuil every night to knock me out. Me = completely anti-drug. That’s healthy. So after 6 nights I said, that’s enough. Suck it up.  Got back on my B12. And a glass of wine in the evening some nights. But I still wake up many, many times during the night. So by evening time, I am simply tired. And then get sometimes get very sad.

People say you get over it. Things get better. Get a new dog. I actually don’t believe any of that. Maybe I’ll cry less. But when people’s kids die, do they just move on? Do they just have another kid to get over it? No.

Mother’s Day is Sunday. I lost my own mom a few years back. Lost my little brother in November 2010 who I was kind of a Mom too after we lost ours. And now Angelus. I don’t have human children. Angelus and Storm were/are my kids. And they got/get more love and attention from me than a lot of people’s human children. I’m a pretty darn good mom (unlike that pathetic psycho loser on the Time mag cover. Gah.)

I’m not sure how you get over this loss. Maybe you just get used to it. But you don’t get over it. You just don’t. I am not a Kennedy fan (fascinating family to read about however) but Rose Kennedy said:

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, (protecting its sanity), covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But, it is never gone.”

She would know.

No truer words.