I tried looking through pictures of Angelus tonight and I still can’t. Not without crying. I miss him so much. His husky smile. And the smiles he brought me every day.
I try not to talk to people about it as people don’t want to deal with upset or sadness that isn’t their own. I understand this. Completely. Me = not emo. So I try and stay busy and make myself stay out of my head. But sometimes it’s just hard. I think it’s hardest when I’m tired. And ever since I lost him I just don’t sleep very well. The first week I took NyQuil every night to knock me out. Me = completely anti-drug. That’s healthy. So after 6 nights I said, that’s enough. Suck it up. Got back on my B12. And a glass of wine in the evening some nights. But I still wake up many, many times during the night. So by evening time, I am simply tired. And then get sometimes get very sad.
People say you get over it. Things get better. Get a new dog. I actually don’t believe any of that. Maybe I’ll cry less. But when people’s kids die, do they just move on? Do they just have another kid to get over it? No.
Mother’s Day is Sunday. I lost my own mom a few years back. Lost my little brother in November 2010 who I was kind of a Mom too after we lost ours. And now Angelus. I don’t have human children. Angelus and Storm were/are my kids. And they got/get more love and attention from me than a lot of people’s human children. I’m a pretty darn good mom (unlike that pathetic psycho loser on the Time mag cover. Gah.)
I’m not sure how you get over this loss. Maybe you just get used to it. But you don’t get over it. You just don’t. I am not a Kennedy fan (fascinating family to read about however) but Rose Kennedy said:
“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, (protecting its sanity), covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But, it is never gone.”
She would know.
No truer words.
