a99kitten's Musings

The AMAs were on last night. I didn’t watch them or even care to but all of the twitter bashing this AM of Justin Bieber’s winning a lot made me want to see his performance. So while I ate lunch at my desk, I looked for it on YouTube. He sang a nice song. He has a nice voice. How will it be once he breaks puberty? Who knows. But for now – sounds fine to me.

This is pop music. Acts come, get hugely popular and most of them go. I haven’t heard anyone compare him to Frank Sinatra or Dean Martin so lighten up people. I’d much rather have my 9 or 12-year old daughter listening to Justin Bieber than the Insane Clown Posse. Or even Eminem for that matter. They can listen to him when they are older (and never to ICP thankyouverymuch.)

I say let him enjoy his popularity – seems like a decent enough kid and he’s not run over anyone in his car, choked any porn stars, been indicted in a federal dog-fighting ring or been thrown into rehab (like some other awesome celebs lately.)

I find it amusing that so many (well…on twitter anyway which is obviously not how the world of tweens feels considering his crazy popularity) “adults” garner amusement or feel so strongly to very cruelly bash a 16-year old kid singing mainly to other 10 to 16-year old kids. It’s also rather interesting that some of these same twitter folks are likely the same people (I know a couple of them are for sure as I follow them on twitter or tumblr) who were outraged and cried and whined about bullying being so awful and prevalent today. Then they bash a 16-year old all over the internet. Today’s lesson – Adults are so awesome (=hypocritical a$$holes) kids!

He’s also a 16-year old kid who can sing *much* better than the auto-tuned crap and just plain really awful warbling pumped out nowadays in pop music. I tried watching a few of the other AMA performances that I could find on YouTube – couldn’t make it through any of them except Kid Rock’s – who also sang with no backup crap or auto-tuning and very simply. They were generally all ear-bleedingly awful (how is Kesha popular in any way for any reason?) I couldn’t find a good copy of the heavily promoted/hyped New Kids on the Block (not calling them NKOTB)/Backstreet Boys performance but I think I’d really prefer Donnie Wahlberg stick to acting – he is doing a great job in “Blue Bloods” on CBS. But hey – cash in if you can I guess = early retirement.

And most of these girls should leave the dancing to the “old ladies” Janet Jackson and Madonna. These younger girls move as smoothly as C3P0 would if he was short-circuiting.

I’m now going to put on some Paul McCartney to erase the ear ringing caused by watching 2 minutes of Lady Gaga and Kesha. You know him – he used to be one of those crazy long-haired Beatles that all the adults bashed in the early 60s…

Symptoms:
There can be five stages of grief. These reactions might not occur in a specific order, and can (at times) occur together. Not everyone experiences all of these emotions:
* Denial, disbelief, numbness
* Anger, blaming others
* Bargaining (for instance “If I am cured of this cancer, I will never smoke again.”)
* Depressed mood, sadness, and crying
* Acceptance, coming to terms
People who are grieving may have crying spells, some trouble sleeping, and lack of productivity at work. Also over-eating, not sleeping well, dizziness, headaches.

Outlook (Prognosis):
It may take a year or longer to overcome strong feelings of grief, and to accept the loss.

The above was from an article about dealing with anxiety and grief. Now, I don’t believe in anxiety. Or more accurately – I do not believe anxiety cannot be dealt with by natural remedies such as proper exercise, eating, sleep, vitamins and friends. And of course time. B12 is good for it. So that’s good since I already take B12. I know I should get back on my exercise routine but right now taking the dogs out for their mornings walks is all I can do. The idea of getting up at 5am to do my stepper has just not been possible. But I think I need to get back to it. I’ve been craving comfort food and actually allowing myself to eat it sometimes. This should really stop asap but then I get really hungry and so I eat. The idea of salads or only protein sounds entirely unpleasant. Sleep? Well….some nights I do and some it’s harder. I find I cannot fall asleep until after 12am now. And I wake up at 3am and then again or 4 or 5am. But there have been a few nights where I slept till 6:30am.

I’ve been having chest pressure (not pain so much as a crushing sensation if that makes sense) and getting highly stressed over the dumbest little things. I have always handled stress pretty well. So this bothers me. It’s been hard to concentrate at work. I feel like I have to double check everything just to make sure I didn’t make a mistake (which I do not do.) I am wondering if I’m forgetting things. I don’t want to make any decisions (like goofy ones like go to Tahoe or not, invite people for Thanksgiving or not.) I get very stressed and just want to watch TV or read. Just curl up and do nothing. So. Not. Me. This also really goes against my general “suck it up and deal with it” attitude. All the stuff I’ve been reading say to talk it out, let out the emotions. So I’ve let them out here a bit tonight I guess.

I have a bunch of pics of my brother and I up on my dresser which made me sad today as today was the first day I confronted looking at them. But I can’t move them or put them away. It’s only been 2 weeks. Only 1 since I got back from Florida so I guess I should expect this. But who really expects this?

Ok. Enough whining. I need to go hug a husky.

Took the huskies out this AM hoping to “miss the rain” from the giant winter storm we are getting. My house in Tahoe is supposed to get 4-6 feet. Doh. Husky Mom fail that we are stuck down here at the beach with rain, wind, rain and then some rain.

As we left it was actually blue sky sunny over the house. You could see the black clouds over Mavericks and the ocean but I was hoping to miss it. Umm..nope..notsomuch. As soon as we got to the beach, started pouring. Awesome. Oh well – the huskies were having fun and I have a good rain jacket. It was just enough rain to get soaked but not to the point where they start to hate it. Actually, Storm hates the rain more than Angelus. Angelus doesn’t care unless it’s super-duper windy and blowing the rain in his face and eyes. I’m pretty sure no matter how much it rains, his undercoat still doesn’t get wet! And Storm seemed happy to be out :)

On the beach we met another husky! He started running towards us so I let Angelus off leash and he took off! He was a red and white boy named Liam. He was almost as big and fluffy as Angelus! It’s so funny when huskies meet up. They instantly know they are part of the same general pack and start talking and running together. Very cute. I wish it wasn’t raining so I could have videoed it with the dang iPhone 4 that I bought just for these occasions! Doh! *shakes fist*

Got them home and dried them off. Peeled off my dripping wet layers and headed to the kitchen to make hot coffee. All of a sudden Angelus starts tearing through the house. Up and down all the stairs, running around in circles in all of the rooms and stopping only to find me and RUFF at me and then tear off again. Clearly the walk tired him out :)

It actually stopped raining now. Angelus knew exactly when it did too. He came and found me in the kitchen and stared at me. So I let him out in the front yard where he is right now, nose in the air sniffing good smells brought in with the wind, happy as a husky. The little bugger better not start digging in the mud! Pile of dog towels are by the door waiting for when it starts raining again. Storm on the other hand is laying here by me, also happy as a husky.

What good boys. :)

Google Chrome icon:

Milton Bradley’s Simon:

I guess Google employs many children of the late 70s/80s. And yes I had a Simon and LOVED it!

One week ago today, I held my little brother’s hand for the last time. Saw him for the last time. Technically that is when he died. In reality, he died on Sunday morning, November 7th. But his death certificate says November 9th. He was kept on life support after 2 heart attacks. His EEG showed no brain activity. And many other tests they ran and re-ran for us showed no life, as I would define life anyway. He was 27.

There are a ton of things I could say about him. About how much I loved him. He was my “little dude”. We were many years apart. But even when he grew to a foot taller than me, I called him that (when he’d ask why the heck I still did that, I’d always answer because you always will be.) I spoiled him whenever I could and told him he was a dumbass when he needed it. I took care of him and raised him for a year when he was 10 between my mom getting sick with Alzheimer’s and my Dad changing his life to take care of her/him. I should have kept him. I will always think that. He and I were very close. No matter how well he was doing or what trouble he got into, I loved him the same. He was my brother.

But I can’t think, let alone type, any of that right now. Makes me cry too much. But I do think letting things out is healthy and bottling up emotions are bad. And maybe writing about it will make me cry a little less. I’ve been barely keeping it together since Sunday when I got the call from Florida that he was in the ER. And that’s very unlike me. I couldn’t even make my flights as I stared at the computer unable to comprehend what I was doing. Or when I saw him lying there, hooked up to a bunch of machines that were keeping him alive. Or when I had to sign all of the paperwork for his organ donor procedures. Or as I held his hand up until they told me it was time for him to go. That is a crushing sadness that I had never experienced. And never want to again. Then as a next of kin you need to suck it up and get to make all the decisions and take care of all the details, go to the nursing home and tell your sick father that his son died, and deal with his fiancee and friends, and the funeral home. And his stuff. When all you want to do is curl up in bed and cry.

Luckily, I had friends there for me. Even though I suck at ever, ever asking for help from anyone – I needed it. Good friends made my travel arrangements when I couldn’t confront it, flew out with me, stayed with me, came to visit me and sat there with me as I said goodbye. They drove me around, helped make arrangements with me, called and brought other friends together for me, told me funny stories to get my mind out of sadness even if for an hour or 2, and sometimes just sat there quietly with me as I cried. I will never forget that. And appreciate it more than they could ever know.

I asked my husband to stay behind to take care of Storm. He just had surgery and wasn’t doing all that well and the last thing I could handle was anything happening to him too. So he stayed behind and took care of the huskies and sent me pictures of them all the time. His Mom flew out to be with me too and she was awesome. You will never meet a more perfect mom. I hope she fully realizes how much she helped.

His fiancee and friends told me he always talked about me. About how much he loved me and how close we were. That I was his best friend and kinda like his Mom. While it did make me happy to hear, it made me cry. Still does. It’s not fair. And while I have always known life isn’t fair – this is beyond F’ed up. His fiancee gave me his Star Wars toys. She said he would have wanted me to have them. I put them in my closet. I cannot deal with them right now. Along with his papers and some pictures. I know that some day I will be able to look at it all. But not now. Right now I get up and walk the huskies which is the best part of my day. Then I go to work. When I come home I do chores to stay busy and then stare at the TV as I try to go to sleep. I find it hard to go to sleep now. I have to concentrate on counting sheep so that my mind doesn’t start going with other stuff. It actually works if you are tired enough. I know it will get better. But it’s just not right now. I used to think I could handle anything in the world as long as nothing happened to my little brother. Just not fair.

He chose to be a donor. I remember when we talked about it. Him asking me my opinion on it. Him laughing when I said yes I am a donor but man – they better try hard. One thing to know – even if you choose to be a donor, if you are not dead and they get you hooked up to life support, your family can still make/change that decision for you. So make sure they are on board with your decision. And can deal with the paperwork. It’s not really all that easy. Not at all. Analytically I knew he was gone. But seeing him there looking like he was sleeping, holding his hand, remembering our conversation not 2 days prior about his upcoming wedding and the Star Wars figures he was collecting made me want him back and to save him no matter what. Having to kiss his forehead goodbye and know it was the last time I would ever see him. But I knew he wasn’t there to save.

Thursday morning, the nurse called me to tell me that in addition to his various parts going to people in need, he was truly a hero and they wanted me to know it and be proud. A 16 year old boy who hadn’t found a match and would have died in a day or 2 without a new heart, was a match for my brother. So he saved a 16 year old boy. Allowed him to go on and live a full life. Hopefully one full of promise and good. I always said he had a good heart. He would really like that.

Pure awesomesauce…

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“I don’t really want my son growing up in a world where we believe Greedo shot first”

At my old job, we worked with and managed money for Steinhardt Partners. Michael Steinhardt has long been considered a very smart money manager. My old boss always said he was brilliant, even if prickly.

He was on CNBC this morning. When asked what he would do if he just received a big allocation from the upcoming GM IPO: Sell. “As quickly as I can. I don’t think one should be a long-term holder in government securities, particularly government equity securities.”

Sad and pathetic that General Motors is considered that. But true. Same goes for GE, BAC, C and more. Ugh.

I think Stormy is doing better today for sure. He woke up much more bright-eyed! I got him outside to pee even in the rain (he hates the rain.) Now, he didn’t eat his breakfast but he ate some ground turkey that I gave him separately, and then ate some cheese and a cookie. So he is eating some and just being picky it seems. I think he learned from his brother, that the medicine gets hidden in there and it tastes yucky. So I will not put it in his dinner and see how that goes. Supposedly, women are not supposed to touch his trilostane (his Cushings medicine) as it’s bad for child-bearing age women (like propecia is) but I have to since I have to get the pill back onto his tongue so he will swallow it. I think I’ve used 1/4 bottle of handsoap between yesterday and today to scrub my hands afterwards. Hopefully not really a big deal. Stormy has always been easy to give medicine to – just put it in his food. But this time notsomuch. Booger.

So I will try making him some turkey and rice for dinner today. And some for Angelus of course since it’s his birthday!!! He is 10 years old today!!! What a scooby! Poor buddy doesn’t get to have any fun though :( I can’t leave Storm so no walks and it’s raining anyway. But the rain also means no yard time even. That sucks. But I told him we will make it up to him! And we will for sure!

10 years ago, on New Year’s Eve day, we went and picked up Angelus. He was 7.5 weeks old. He was such a fluffy little monster. Now he is fluffy big monster :) He has been the best, most awesome dog ever. He was my Christmas present that year. There is simply no way I could ever get a better gift in my life than the gift of such an awesome friend. Angelus is very Siberian in that he is not overly affectionate with most people. He loves his pack but everyone else he could care less about. I guess he is kinda like me in that way :)

I used to carry that little booger to bed every night until I simply could not physically do it anymore. He has always come with me pretty much everywhere. For his first year, he went everywhere with me. Then we got Storm with the idea they would keep each other company and not have to come with me everywhere. Well…now they both come everywhere with me :)

Angelus is a brave bud. When he was still a little puppy, we were at the dog park. He has always loved playing with other dogs and being chased. He doesn’t care about balls or sticks. He wants something live to chase or to chase him. So he will always run up to other dogs to say “hi, play with me.” He was still pretty little – not even really “teen” size. A little puppy. A guy came to the dog park with 5 giant Rottweilers. Angelus ran straight over to them as they came in and just stood there blocking the entrance like “This is my park.” I was like ARGH! I mean – I assume if you are bringing them to the dog park they are friendly, but you just never know how dogs will react and I was still a new doggie mom. The Rottweilers all sniffed him and walked around him. The guy laughed and said I was going to have a handful with him as he shows no fear at all which is odd for a puppy. What a buddy.

He has never shown fear of any other dog ever. He is usually the peacekeeper and always goes over to tussles if they start at dog parks or the beach and gets in the middle of them to break them up. He never, ever starts fights. But he will finish them if necessary. He has attacked 2 German Shepherds who attacked Storm, attacked a pit/Rhodesian Ridgeback who attacked Storm, and ran straight at a pit bull who was off leash and running straight at me. When we saw the bear in our driveway, he wanted to follow him. He protects his pack :) Now…if you are a bumble bee, well….he is outta there! He and I were attacked by an organized army of yellow jackets. I have never seen anything like it. They literally chased us down to attack us. Was a very, very unpleasant experience for the both of us. And ever since then, when he hears that buzzing he takes off. I can’t really blame him. But it’s a bit funny that he would rather face a bear than a bee :)

I have a lot of fun stories about him. I have a LOT of cute pictures of him. Like…a lot :) He has been such a great friend. He is loyal and loves his pack. He loves chicken and cheese. He loves snow and running on the beach. He wants to run free (like huskies do) and investigate everything. He is very smart and can figure things out if he wants something. He can be very stubborn. I love him.

So happy birthday to my big buddy! I will get you your favorite treat tomorrow (McNuggets) and we will have beach fun! We will just consider this your birthday season and celebrate as much as we can since we can’t today.

An amazingly handsome guy:

Angelus at 7.5 weeks old

Angelus at 1 year old

Angelus in his natural element :)

Up and down throughout last night with Storm banging his cone around and me worrying about him, does he have a fever, how are his staples, is he in pain, does he have to go outside?

Awake with Angelus at 6am who wanted to go for his walk. And me sad to disappoint him with none so we can keep an eye on Storm.

Worrying about Storm throughout the day as he seemed in pain. Definitely much more so than his last surgery. It’s very obvious he is in more pain this time. But I guess being sliced open and having 2 chunks of your liver removed might not feel so great. Many web pages read about animal pain management and the drugs he got sent home with. Further stress follows…opiates are yikies! Both his pain patch and his oral pain meds are both considered controlled substances in come states! Zoinkies. I made sure he never left really my sight much so he could rest without his cone on and yet didn’t try to lick his staples. He seemed very warm, and then shivery this morning, but then temp was ok when I took it, but he was moaning/making little grunty sounds which I assumed was from pain/soreness (man…are human children this stressful?)

Back and forth checking on Angelus who was mopey without his AM Mom walk. And I hate to disappoint him when he is such a good boy. And tomorrow is his 10th birthday! Ten!! Man…what a buddy. And I have no chicken mcnuggets for him. I am a bad birthday husky mom :(

But could not leave Storm alone. Storm didn’t eat breakfast or dinner. He did eat a cookie I gave him and a chicken treat. But not interested in his regular kibble, ground turkey or chicken?? But he did eat a piece of cheese too. I will consider it just being picky for a day or two since the pain meds can supposedly make him not want to eat. And he is eating some things. But Storm not gobbling his food with his eyed bulging out of his head is an odd thing.

Then throw in up and down the stairs a million times to try and get chores done while not leaving Storm alone long enough for him to try and lick/chew his staples. I am sore, my body actually hurts, I’ve had pain in my stomach all day and I have had so little real sleep this week. BUT…Storm looks better tonight. More bright-eyed after a day of at-home, no-cone rest. He even did his kick, kick routine after peeing tonight before bedtime. And currently sound asleep with his feet in the air. So hopefully a little less stress and a little more sleep for him tonight. And then hopefully he is feeling a little better tomorrow. Poor little guy. But I do think he is feeling better tonight than last night! So it’s all worth it. I just hope Angelus will accept a belated birthday celebration. I think he will.

But for now…the huskies are sleeping and I think maybe I will try to read and likely fall asleep within minutes…

Last night I finished the final book of the Rizzoli and Isles series. I really liked this one. Although it did stress me out. There is a young man (whose type of character will always remind me of my brother no matter what they story) and a dog…so I get stressed that they will be OK! So I had to finish this book!!

I got hooked on this series this summer because of the new TV show that premiered on TNT based on the books. The show does a good job of following the characters but they are different. It’s weird how different and yet very similar they are. I think the show has done a good job with that. Obviously the books are more detailed and the show doesn’t actually follow most of the actual plot lines from the books. But the character development is good. Plus Angie Harmon is always great. She plays Jane Rizzoli who, in the book, is described as being short and not terribly attractive. So they hired a super gorgeous former model – heh :) But she comes across how the character is written – so it works very well.

Several of the books stand out as my favorites. Those tend to take a jump from the standard crime formula into superstition and the occult. Love that. But without becoming sci-fi or fantasy. They do stay grounded in “reality”. My favorites are the last 3 written – The Mephisto Club, The Keepsake and Ice Cold.

The main characters are strong women characters. Not that I look for that specifically in my books but these 2 definitely are without being made out to be “perfect” by any means. Plus the author keeps a few recurring characters in addition to the supporting characters that re-appear.

If you are looking for a a new series of books to get hooked on – here you go:

* The Surgeon (2001) introduces Det. Jane Rizzoli
* The Apprentice (2002) introduces Dr. Maura Isles. The pilot episode is based on this novel.
* The Sinner (2003)
* Body Double (2004)
* Vanish (2005)
* The Mephisto Club (2006)
* The Keepsake / Keeping the Dead (US/UK 2008)
* Ice Cold / The Killing Place (US/UK 2010)

I can’t wait for the next one! But now I must go to Amazon and search for my next book…