Finally decided to watch an episode of The Walking Dead tonight. I’m behind from last season and this is the final season so I want to watch it. I want to see how they wrap it all up. But I have been very hesitant. I did not put my finger on why until tonight.
Judith gets sad and says “they’re all gone” and starts to cry. And so did I. Not because of the characters on the show she is referring to but because this is the first time I am watching this show alone – without a buddy.
This show started in 2010. I remember making Angelus come inside so I could lock the door because it was creeping me out.
And Smokey – he *always* went to sit outside on the deck when I would watch because he could sense my stress. I think he really hated this show. He could pick on my stress easier than anyone. But I always made sure to skoosh him and tell him it was just TV. And I always tried to hide my jumping and screaming at the show. But he always knew.
I cannot believe this show has been on since 2010. My life has changed so much while I watch these characters – and go see them every year at their panel at SDCC.
But I cannot believe I am now watching the end of it alone. Not sure I will make it through. We’ll see how it goes.
March 1st. New month. Still hate 2022.
Decided to step back into trading a bit. We’ll see how that goes. Perfect timing with market volatility, daily headline crashes, war on the table, inflation, morons in charge (and by perfect I am being sarcastic…) See how long I want to deal.
Started keeping a daily journal of exercise, food intake, projects, etc. I could just keep it here but it’s just easier to jot it down as I do stuff. I needed another notebook going (have 1 for crypto, LT trade ideas and notes, projects and chores and stuff I want to watch, read, etc. lol)
Did more biking, walking *and* shoveling today. Less sore/pain though so that’s nice. Although exhausted as had another SVT episode last night. About 3 hours awake from 2:30-5:30am. Kind of another reason I started the journal. 2 in one week is odd.
Was nice to do anther long walk with my neighbor and her dogs. But got extra sad on today’s walk. I really miss walking with Smokey. I miss everything about him but really, really miss that.
Also – has there always been so many commercials about dogs on TV? Kinda tough.
Did my first Peloton bike class today. Not a live one, a recorded one. Just tested a 15 minute class to see how I do. While shorter than my last 2 weeks of biking, we did a lot changing resistance, standing, sitting, etc. Not going to lie – kind of hated it. But will keep trying. I think I need to ease into that – a couple days of doing a class and the other days doing my free rides.
Did a long afternoon walk which was nice. Haven’t done a walk in a few days. Altho was pretty warm and sunny – that sucks. But snow and colder weather on the way this week supposedly. And was noticeably quieter here now that the holiday weekend bleed into ski week is over. Good fn riddance.
Then came home and moved an ice block about 2×3 feet big and at least 1 foot thick – it came off the roof and bounced off my generator roof and was now blocking it. Sigh. I’m not that strong – but was able to push that sucker off the other ice block that it landed on and leave it on my driveway where the sun should hit it tomorrow. See if I can break it up then.
Then shoveled my driveway to remove some ice and slush. And put ice melt in front of my bear box as for some reason, it’s an ice rink up there.
Then shoveled some snow off my back deck. I have not set foot on my back deck since losing Smokey. That was “his room”. His favorite place when there was snow, and most times really. And where he had his seizure. But I did it. Cleared a path. But then stopped. Enough for now.
I am so sore. And tired. Like – kinda of painful. Maybe that’s what I need – just be physically exhausted & sore all of the time.
Now I need a little BBT. Or Chicago PD.
The phenomenon of starting to sob out of nowhere is weird. Very weird.
I’ll have eaten dinner, cleaned up, putting away some stuff – all perfectly fine. Then I sit down and start to sob. Not tear up. Not get a little sad. Sob. Or working on project, cleaning, take a shower, whatever. And with no obvious trigger, sobbing.
I must have done this with Angelus. I can recall the complete desolation I felt then. But I do not recall the out of the blue sobbing. I do recall crying after losing Stormy, especially when I would be watching Shadow and it was time for him to go. But that had an impetus.
But it’s quite possible that I have candy-coated those memories because then I had Smokey to make me smile very day. So the pain felt then is no longer the top. But now it is. And now there is no candy coating. I just miss my best pal so much. It hurts. He was there for me every day. All day. All of the time.
This…this is just deep sadness. I guess. One could say it’s been almost 7 weeks. One could also say it’s only been 7 weeks. I don’t know. Just sad.
I had a nice week. Helen was here. We hung out, cooked (mostly she did), ate, drank bubbly, binge-watched trashy Shonda TV and even got a mani/pedi today. I made some trades. I Pelotoned. Listed stuff on eBay. Went for some walks. Heck, I even Wordled.
But it’s Friday night again. And as I get ready to go to bed I remember that a Friday night just a few weeks ago was the last night Smokey was OK. Perfectly OK and as awesome as always. And then he woke me up Saturday AM and we went for our walk and then about 2 hours later my life crumbled into sadness. And I cannot shake this. Every Friday night I feel this way. And then every Saturday. And Sunday. This is why I hate weekends right now.
I’m trying. I really am.
I’m just so sad every day. And tired. I have been exercising pretty much every day but it’s not a physical tired – it’s mental exhaustion. Smokey made me happy. Every day. Now that is gone.
I wish I could not be for just 1 day.
Now a 3-day weekend for me to try and stay busy without the market. Great.
Busy day today – carpet cleaners were here and moving stuff around for them, etc etc. And trading. And my goofy Star Wars game. And made myself go for a long walk. The light was perfect as it was sunset (and super cold and windy) and it would have been a great walk with Smokey on the ridge where I took beautiful pictures of him for everyone to smile at.
A good friend called me this AM and would not take no for an answer about talking to me on the phone and not text to make sure I was ok. And by the end I was smiling.
I have stayed off social media, other than my stock lists on twitter, since Smokey left. I went on FB tonight to say HB to an old, good (different) friend whose birthday was Monday. A friend who didn’t ping me or even a general “I’m sorry” to me via social media after Smokey. Only realized that on Monday – her birthday. Whatever. People have lives, families, etc. It’s fine. I’ve checked out anyway.
Then I saw her post from this evening that her mom had a heart attack over the weekend. My first reaction was to ping her, see how she was doing. To wish her mom well. And then I didn’t. I commented on her FB post. And that was it. It’s what Facebook is for, right?
And then I saw Smokey’s pictures show up on FB. And cried. Closed – back to my ban.
I’m too tired to care right now. People can have their families. Their jobs. Their lives. I get it. I probably get it more than most. But don’t expect more from me either. I’ve tried to be there a lot. For many. Just do not have it in me right now.
It’s snowing today. First time since the first week of January. First time since Smokey left.
We would have been up and out early to get the fresh snow up on the ridge. He would have been smiling. Making sure to rub on all of the bushes with fresh snow as he got it all over him. He loved to do that SO much. He smiled every time.
So yeah…not a good morning for me so far.
Superbowl Sunday and I have zero plans. Did not plan a party obviously. And no one that I know locally seems to be doing anything either. Quite honestly not even sure I will watch it. Having a shit load of feelings today.
Finally decided to gift away Smokey’s leftover prescription food. The local shelter could not take it and suggested seeing if someone locally needed it since it’s so expensive.
I’ve had it in the garage but every time I thought about listing it, I just left the garage. Finally decided to list it on Nextdoor last night and got a response fairly quickly. Guy was supposed to come this AM but then I had second thoughts. I looked at his profile and it seems he lost a dog (and never seems to have found) last year. That made me feel yucky. Messaged him this morning and asked him if his dog had liver or kidney issues or was on a prescription diet and he responded no – that he thought it was just regular food (so I guess not even reading the words in my post or looking at the pictures – just saw the word FREE.) So I said never mind.
Then within a few minutes another person sent a message saying they had older dogs who were just put on the liver and kidney diets. I checked out their profile and they seemed to be active locals. I moved the food into my entry way and immediately started sobbing.
Smokey was such a picky eater. Always was. Although got even more so as he got older. When his kidney values came back higher a couple of years ago, the vet said to lower his pure protein intake but no reason to put him on the prescription diet yet as they were just on the high side of normal. So I made him his food usually and gave him low protein kibble with it. Which he seemed to enjoy. Usually.
But then this past October, he got very sick, seemingly overnight but that can’t be factual. His kidney values were about the same but his liver values were so high they thought he would go into liver failure.
After a week of daily fluids at the vet and 2 rounds of antibiotics, I switched him to the prescription diet – switching between kidney and liver. Turns out – he really liked both flavors. And gobbled up his food. I wonder if he felt sick over the past couple of years and just never showed it? I just don’t know. And I know it does not do me any good to second guess everything but I can’t help it. That’s fun.
The couple just came to pick up the food and were so grateful. They talked about their dogs – 1 with kidney issues and 1 with liver issues – and offered their condolences. I’m happy someone can use it for their buddies.
But heartbroken that I no longer need it.
Had a really good night’s sleep. Odd. Especially since I was exhausted yesterday. Physically and mentally. I was truly ready for bed at around 7pm. And yet I stayed awake until around midnight. Woke up once while it was still dark, rolled over, back to sleep until like 6:30am.
Stayed busy and active all day. Sat down for like an hour all day. Well..plus sat on my Peloton. Made sure to stay busy. Do not think about anything other than getting crap done. And then did 5 miles on my Peloton and then a 2 hour afternoon walk.
Got home after walk, shoveled ice, did more inside stuff. Showered. Made dinner. Ate dinner. Sat down. Then cried. Of course I did. Saw a picture of Smokey. This is very hard. And not getting any better. I know I have gone thought this before. Several times. Differently, but the same. Yet this feel different..maybe since I am all alone.
And now it is the weekend again so I do not have the markets to waste time and brain power on. Last week I had a “busy” social calendar – invited to dinner Wed night, Sun night, Mon night. Kept my brain busy at least.
But no..not really getting any better. I can only stay moving for so many hours per day. Every night I say I am going to curl up and stay in bed the next day. Every morning I do not. One of these will break soon.
