All Smokey ever wanted was to be next to me. To know where I was. To always see me.
I always knew he was right there. Looking for me. Not going to lie, there were times when I’d say “dude…relax. I’m right here. Relax.” But he was always there.
Huskies are not loud dogs. Smokey was even quieter than that. But his presence was huge. I always knew he was here. Always.
Now he is not. And it hurts.
I had a feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that 2022 would suck. Even worse than 2021. It’s kind of why I was not too excited for Christmas. Because then it was the end of the year. And 9 days in, I was right.
I am heartbroken right now. Truly feeling lost. I appreciate all of the kind words about how people loved Smokey but it makes me cry non-stop so I need a bit of time before responding to anything on social media or texts. A couple of neighbors came by to offer condolences – Smokey was well known and loved here. And that was very hard. People want to know what happened – he was always so active, healthy, full of life. And now he is gone.
Smokey has been doing fantastic. Unbelievable really. He had a liver scare back in October and the vet was honestly concerned he would not recover at his age. Not only did he recover – all of his blood values went back to completely normal ranges which they said was actually a miracle (and probably would not happen) for a dog his age and where they were. He truly was a wonder.
On Saturday, we went for our AM walk like normal, ate our walk treats like normal – he was visibly 100% fine. Then about an hour after we got home, he collapsed into the snow on the deck. I got him inside and laid him on his bed – he was sitting up and panting heavily (likely stress) but could not and did not want to move. This was not Smokey behavior. Then he laid down and was shaking/twitching. I got him to the vet – got a neighbor to help me carry him to the car which is also not Smokey-allowed behavior. Also, he gets car sick – which is why I always let him ride in the backseat so he had the windows – and I think the ride there with him laying in the back made him nauseous – he tried to sit up but could not move his legs well enough to get them in the position to sit up and was crying. I also get motion sick so I understand this feeling.
At the vet they ran all of his bloodwork – which came back perfect (which they were also amazed at from his liver scare). No fever. His eye reactions were fine (not old dog syndrome which he had before), but his leg reactions were not – his right front did not react and he did not care when the doctor handled his feet and toes (this was very much not Smokey behavior – he hated his feet touched, especially by anyone but me.) We gave him some anti-nausea meds to see if that feeling was making things seem worse. And fluids.
To know Smokey – anytime we went to the vet – his first mission was to get the heck out of there. And he was just lying there, not even trying to get up. This worried them and me. They love him there, and know his desire to get the heck out. He peed himself which he has never, ever done. Even when he was sick from this liver stuff, or when he hurt his paw years ago, he did not care – he had to potty – he was going outside. He loved outside.
The vet said that without an MRI or more advanced imaging (not available locally), there was no way to tell for sure but all symptoms and behavior pointed to a stroke/brain clot or possibly brain tumor. Either would need drives down to Davis (Smokey hated long drives or being in the car long) for the advanced facility and he was stressed anytime I was not with him. I asked if after getting any diagnosis like that, would there be any type of quality of life solution to this. I was not getting him brain surgery at his age nor would I start him on chemo at his age. Both vets at the clinic said no. Other than home care such as making sure he was fed via syringe, trying to get him to walk for potty or managing pee pads, etc.
So I took him home in the hopes he would feel more comfortable at home, and maybe after a full night sleep, he would show me signs of trying to get up, move around, some fight, Anything that gave me hope that he could be happy. Because he had now gone 8 hours without showing any interest in even moving.
Smokey’s true joy in life was being outside (with me). And hiking in the snow (with me). And sleeping the snow when we had it on the deck (as long as he could see me). I left my deck door open for him to go in/out all the time – even during blizzards because if I ever closed the door – he instantly wanted to go out there.
I slept on the couch and watched him all night. He never once even tried to move, I hoped he would try to get up in an attempt to go out to his snow on the deck. He did not. He didn’t even move his position. When I’d pet him, he’d open his eyes but that’s it. He peed on his bed while laying down a couple more times and when I would move his lower body/back legs to change out towels and pee pads, he didn’t even care. I didn’t know if it meant he couldn’t move them at all, or just didn’t want to. Either way – I knew it was not good.
He didn’t want string cheese (a favorite treat) or even water.
Then on Sunday AM, he started shaking uncontrollably. He tried moving his front paws a little to maneuver himself in a new position but really couldn’t and was in clear distress. I helped him to try and get his upper body into a more sitting position and he just collapsed in my lap where I held him. Smokey was not a lap dog. He had only crawled into my lap 1 time and that was after his dog sitter lost him and he was lost in the woods for 3 days and I found him. So him crawling into my lap and arms showed me how bad he was feeling. At this point it was more than 24 hours with him not moving on his own, or showing any interest in moving, eating, drinking or anything.
He had to pee again (I think this is why tried to move) and his shaking/shivering slowed a little but never stopped. I had to face the fact that this was not a recoverable situation. There was not a magic pill, or procedure that would allow him to run in the snow again. or even move himself to go outside and sit in his snow & enjoy the fresh air and some kind of life. If he had showed me any signs of sitting up, eating or drinking anything, or any interest in anything, I would moved the world for him. But I would not allow him to suffer like this. We made an agreement when he got sick with his liver stuff (for 2 days he was very sick) that I would do anything for him, but if he needed to go, he should not worry about me. And to let me know. And I asked the universe a long time ago to never let him suffer or be sick for a long time. If it was his time, he should be allowed to be having a great life until the very last minute. No long sicknesses, no long-term pain.
The vet came over and Smokey went in my arms with me reminding him of all the times he had fun in the snow, chased bears away from him momma, played with his friends and had his favorite treats.
I am heartbroken. Smokey was literally the reason I woke up every morning. He came in and woke me up every single day to tell me it was time to get up (crack of dawn.) Our AM hike was our favorite part of the day. I am currently feeling lost. I planned everything in my life around him and our routine. My friends and neighbors knew inviting me to anything, meant inviting him. And they all loved him. Smokey was loved by so many. But none more than me. I am thankful for having him in my life. But I am currently feeling very lost. And sad.
I am glad to know he was so loved. The best ambassador for dogs, wolves, creatures of any kind. I hope he knew how much I loved him. I told him many times every day. Showed him by any walks he wanted in whatever weather there was. If he wanted to go – we went. And if he wanted to sit outside in the blizzard – have at it.
I never ever wanted to make this decision again in my life, but I felt allowing him to just lay there, not really knowing the extent of his suffering as he could not tell me, but could show me he was not normal Smokey, not happy or feeling well and was miserable, was not fair to him. It would only be allowing me to not make that decision which would break my heart. And if he declined further and faster throughout the day or the next day that was not fair to him.
I know he lived a long life for a big dog. I was hoping we’d make it to 16+. He was either turning 14 or 15 this spring based on the paperwork I had from his rescue. I know he had a full life. I’m glad more of it was with me and here than whatever he went through before he was in the rescue where I adopted him from. I hope I made him forget all of that.
In so many of my pictures of him, he is smiling and I hope he truly was that happy. I think he was.
It hurts me (and angry at the universe) thinking he was perfectly fine on our walk and then an hour later our lives were made worse forever. And I wish I could go back to that walk and let him have all the extra treats. But then I think, maybe that was the universe doing what I asked – no long suffering or sickness. I don’t know.
But I do know that my days will not be filled with his smiles. He was always there. Next to me. And now he is not. My life feels very, very alone right now.
Not even worth the humbug. I hate 2021.
I try every day to remember what to be happy and/or thankful for. I do. And I am. But it has been harder and harder.
Most importantly, Smokey and I are healthy. But he has definitely slowed down a lot. But in a weird way. Like..the other night when it was dumping snow and dark out – he still wanted his walk. No slacking off! But then he goes into the bedroom and sleeps for hours after dinner. He’s literally never done that. Ever. I am OK as long as it’s simply what he needs.
I know I can’t have him forever. But it’s still hard.
And then my indoor Humble Bumble no longer lights up starting tonight. This is after my outdoor Humble partially died. Seriously? My Christmas decorations die on me?
Oh..then my friends – family (but let’s face it, your friends are family until they have their own family to take care of. It just is.) – who come to spend the holidays – might have been exposed to Covid. So…do I trust the tests that I think are 50/50 at best? Do I say no and be sad over the holiday. Sigh. I could go on with other petty life annoyances but meh. Fuck this year. Seriously And you know what – if you voted for Biden – fuk you too.
I hate 2021.
I’m trying.
This is my favorite time of year. Winter. Cold. Snow. Traditions. Christmas.
But I am stuck. Trying to be my festive self. I’ve never had a problem. Fuck. My Mom died at Thanksgiving years ago and I still mustered fn Christmas spirit.
But today? I’ve decorated my tree. I play Christmas music in the car. I even put on Die Hard. Nothing.
My traditions were blown this year. No one cares. Whatever. We have no snow. It’s fucking sunny and warm. If I could nuke Mother Nature – I would at this point. I’ve tried to be cheery. We’ll see how it goes. But this sucks.
11 years. How is that possible?
Last night, I re-read my blog post from when my brother died. I sure poured my thoughts out into it. I really don’t do that anymore. I don’t know – I like to think I use this to word vomit any feelings out but sometimes typing everything out is still too much effort. Just having feelings you need to emote or get out is so much effort. Blah.
Funny thing, I had *horrible* sleep on the night of November 7th and 8th. Horrible. Weird dreams. Woke up around 1am each night and stayed up till past 4am. Drifted back to sleep but woke up again by 6am.
I lit a candle last night for my brother. Told him I loved him. And missed him. And whether we believe in an afterlife, heaven, being reborn, or just gone – I told him I truly hoped he was content.
I slept through the whole night last night.
Another round of sub-q fluids and a fresh blood panel today. Vet called and said liver values are improving. Not perfect – but at 14 – probably won’t be. She was very happy with the results. Improved vastly from 1 week ago when he was so sick. This makes me happy. It does.
But I no longer get that sense of pure relief from a good vet call. Because I know at this point in his life, a good day is a good day. And that’s all we can expect.
To be clear – he is actually doing great. His appetite is back, he always wants to drag me all over the Tahoe National Forest, he looks fantastic. But I know his liver values will only improve so much. Same with his kidneys. His heart – the vet said his heart was strong. Yes it is. But you cannot turn back time.
No more vet visits for the week. She said next week for a re-check. This is good. This week will be about cold AM walks. And no off-routine bs.
I wish I had people to talk to. Or a person. But I do not. Everyone has a past. An agenda. Other loyalties. Other responsibilities. A life. Whatever. Not having a person is hard sometimes. I guess you just suck it up.
Today was talking to neighbor as our dogs socialized. Guy who I considered a friend and neighbor talking about vaccines (because why don’t we always fn talk about covid) and how stupid people are for not getting them, how kids are really stupid and just not getting them to be popular (huh? is that a thing?) and “it’s just a shot who cares?”
I reminded him that I have not been vaxxed and I won’t be until I feel more comfortable with them and change my routine to where I feel the need (I don’t go anywhere, always wear the stupid mask, wash my hands anytime I go anywhere and never touch my face unless I just got out of the shower.) He looked at me and said “You will die”. Plus 1 of the more common reported side effects is racing heart/heart issues. I have SVT – I am not in the mood to poke that bear.
I actually LoLed. Like..wow. Thanks dude. Maybe turn off CNN for a few minutes. I simply said “oh, ok. Well, I feel pretty ok with my decision.” Not being dragged into a stupid argument.
You are a 70+, overweight, have multiple health issues so yes – by all means – get the jab. But don’t fn tell me I am going to die. F Off.
I have pretty much had it with all of humanity. I used to caveat that with “unless you are my personal friend.” Not sure I can do that anymore.
Trading/investing/researching stocks
Trading/investing/researching cryptos
Trading on Star Wars Card Trader
Trading on Disney card trader
Monitoring 3 stock trading groups
Staying up to date/trading on SWCT Discord groups
Staying up to date/trading on Disney CT FB page
Moderating/staying up to date on Funko Funatics board
Updating social media with Smokey pics
Updating social media with collecting pics
Monitoring FinTwit re: stocks, cryptos
Monitoring twitter re: CA fires and now FL storms
Funko NFTs – so much
NFTs – even more
Gardening
Smokey hikes
Regular daily housekeeping/chores.errands
Now football season is upon us…fantasy crap, sell tickets, etc etc.
This is my day. Every day. No wonder I have 2 page list of TV shows and movies I need to catch up on. lol
Being retired is tiring.
I did not go to public high school. So I “missed out” on the social cancer known as the clique.
Later in life I saw it in action – at work, in collecting groups, neighborhoods, forums, etc. But thankfully, have not been involved in 1 so that I am either the aggressive a-hole or the victim. Probably mostly because I simply do not care.
I mean at work I was HR so if I saw something like that I kept an eye on you and assumed you were schmuck. I love my hobbies. My “fandoms”. But if I have to spend any time thinking about crappy people – meh. And neighborhood? I’ve been blessed with great neighbors at both my long term residences. And if you are not in my direct neighborhood – I don’t have the mental energy to expend. Reading Nextdoor is akin to burning your eye sockets with acid.
But the whole fandom bashing is weird to me. You like the same thing. Why are you an asshole? If you disagree with something – move on. NOT HARD.
But I see it regularly. And that sucks. Can’t we all just get along. Kumbayah. Namaste. May the Force Be with you. Love Long and Prosper. Greed is Good (wait…different group..) Etc. Etc. Etc.
