a99kitten's Musings

I blog about a WHOLE LOT of stuff :)

11 years. How is that possible?

Last night, I re-read my blog post from when my brother died. I sure poured my thoughts out into it. I really don’t do that anymore. I don’t know – I like to think I use this to word vomit any feelings out but sometimes typing everything out is still too much effort. Just having feelings you need to emote or get out is so much effort. Blah.

Funny thing, I had *horrible* sleep on the night of November 7th and 8th. Horrible. Weird dreams. Woke up around 1am each night and stayed up till past 4am. Drifted back to sleep but woke up again by 6am.

I lit a candle last night for my brother. Told him I loved him. And missed him. And whether we believe in an afterlife, heaven, being reborn, or just gone – I told him I truly hoped he was content.

I slept through the whole night last night.

Another round of sub-q fluids and a fresh blood panel today. Vet called and said liver values are improving. Not perfect – but at 14 – probably won’t be. She was very happy with the results. Improved vastly from 1 week ago when he was so sick. This makes me happy. It does.

But I no longer get that sense of pure relief from a good vet call. Because I know at this point in his life, a good day is a good day. And that’s all we can expect.

To be clear – he is actually doing great. His appetite is back, he always wants to drag me all over the Tahoe National Forest, he looks fantastic. But I know his liver values will only improve so much. Same with his kidneys. His heart – the vet said his heart was strong. Yes it is. But you cannot turn back time.

No more vet visits for the week. She said next week for a re-check. This is good. This week will be about cold AM walks. And no off-routine bs.

I wish I had people to talk to. Or a person. But I do not. Everyone has a past. An agenda. Other loyalties. Other responsibilities. A life. Whatever. Not having a person is hard sometimes. I guess you just suck it up.

Today was talking to neighbor as our dogs socialized. Guy who I considered a friend and neighbor talking about vaccines (because why don’t we always fn talk about covid) and how stupid people are for not getting them, how kids are really stupid and just not getting them to be popular (huh? is that a thing?) and “it’s just a shot who cares?”

I reminded him that I have not been vaxxed and I won’t be until I feel more comfortable with them and change my routine to where I feel the need (I don’t go anywhere, always wear the stupid mask, wash my hands anytime I go anywhere and never touch my face unless I just got out of the shower.) He looked at me and said “You will die”. Plus 1 of the more common reported side effects is racing heart/heart issues. I have SVT – I am not in the mood to poke that bear.

I actually LoLed. Like..wow. Thanks dude. Maybe turn off CNN for a few minutes. I simply said “oh, ok. Well, I feel pretty ok with my decision.” Not being dragged into a stupid argument.

You are a 70+, overweight, have multiple health issues so yes – by all means – get the jab. But don’t fn tell me I am going to die. F Off.

I have pretty much had it with all of humanity. I used to caveat that with “unless you are my personal friend.” Not sure I can do that anymore.

Trading/investing/researching stocks

Trading/investing/researching cryptos

Trading on Star Wars Card Trader

Trading on Disney card trader

Monitoring 3 stock trading groups

Staying up to date/trading on SWCT Discord groups

Staying up to date/trading on Disney CT FB page

Moderating/staying up to date on Funko Funatics board

Updating social media with Smokey pics

Updating social media with collecting pics

Monitoring FinTwit re: stocks, cryptos

Monitoring twitter re: CA fires and now FL storms

Funko NFTs – so much

NFTs – even more


Smokey hikes

Regular daily housekeeping/chores.errands

Now football season is upon us…fantasy crap, sell tickets, etc etc.

This is my day. Every day. No wonder I have 2 page list of TV shows and movies I need to catch up on. lol

Being retired is tiring.

I did not go to public high school. So I “missed out” on the social cancer known as the clique.

Later in life I saw it in action – at work, in collecting groups, neighborhoods, forums, etc. But thankfully, have not been involved in 1 so that I am either the aggressive a-hole or the victim. Probably mostly because I simply do not care.

I mean at work I was HR so if I saw something like that I kept an eye on you and assumed you were schmuck. I love my hobbies. My “fandoms”. But if I have to spend any time thinking about crappy people – meh. And neighborhood? I’ve been blessed with great neighbors at both my long term residences. And if you are not in my direct neighborhood – I don’t have the mental energy to expend. Reading Nextdoor is akin to burning your eye sockets with acid.

But the whole fandom bashing is weird to me. You like the same thing. Why are you an asshole? If you disagree with something – move on. NOT HARD.

But I see it regularly. And that sucks. Can’t we all just get along. Kumbayah. Namaste. May the Force Be with you. Love Long and Prosper. Greed is Good (wait…different group..) Etc. Etc. Etc.

In all forms. Broad-based for sure – Facebook, Twitter, Insta, etc.

But even smaller, focused forums such as Nextdoor (huge cancer), fan-based sites (for people who claim they are fans but then bash everything about said topic), etc. But..social media is just a term. 2 words. The cancer is humans. Oh – you don’t like me/what I think/what I like/the characters I like/the movies I like/the color of the fucking sky? Then attack!

Of course, keyboard warriors are not new. But it has gone from bad to are you fn kidding me in a pretty short timespan. I’m pretty thankful for my general I could not care less about you attitude that I apply to social media. And life. But I do see how it can effect people who might have a less cold heart than me. And that sucks.

But at the same time, I also think if you are going to let words effect your life, you need to grow a thicker skin. Humans are assholes. This is a fact. There are some nice ones. And hopefully they will be in your life. But you will 100% sure as the sky is blue run across the assholes. So be prepared for it.

This past week has been HOT. Grossly hot for us. I would be angry, upset and miserable IF I once again chose not to get A/C installed after the previous summer of a little bit more heat than the last. But I did not. I was finally smart.

Smokey has traditionally always hung out/slept outside on the deck after dinner when it is even slightly warm. Because it’s cooler outside once the sun moves off the deck. But when it’s 95 during the day, and “cools off” to 80 – whatever. Gross.

But I have been running the A/C and he is lounging inside. Happy. Cool. Comfortable. He has been eating much more and normally. This makes me very happy. Every summer for the last 5-6 years, he eats way less in the summer because he is so warm and uncomfortable.

I dumped the hot tub so as not to use the electricity for no good reason. Channel that power to the A/C and keep me and my boy comfy and happy.

I’ve also been sleeping well which is an added bonus. lol

On most days, I can recall a thing that my dad taught me, or reminds me of my dad. All pleasant/good memories. But for some reason, on Father’s Day, I remember all of the things that have kept me from having a close relationship with my dad.

In reality, my family was not “close”. My little brother and I were close. But that was it. And he is dead. I have zero memories of a close and loving family. We never went on family vacations until later in life when I planned/paid for vacations with my mom and brother. Our holidays seemed generally stressful or barely register in my memory at all.

What my parents taught me was independence, self-reliance, doing your own thing, be a responsible and good human, no one owes you anything, etc. Excellent things that have served me well in life. But definitely nothing emo. Nothing warm and fuzzy.

My dad cheated on my mom numerous times. Causing strife on a regular basis for me as a child.

My dad left my mom when my very late in life surprise brother was less than a year old.

My dad showing up whenever (usually holidays) to try and make up for that but failing miserably so arguments ensued.

And the entire situation with my mom getting sick, my dad coming back to try and deal (leaving his long time girlfriend which probably ruined his life at that point), lying to me repeatedly regarding borrowing money (which affected my life), and not treating/raising my brother correctly and spiraling into his alcoholism. Which put him where he is now.

I called him today. He sounded fine. But not really. This makes me sad. It breaks my heart really. I hung up. Cried a little. Went outside and did yard work. But I have to remind myself of all the mistakes he made in his life. I am not responsible for any of them. I tried to help when I could and even when I couldn’t.

The lessons my dad taught me were to make sure I was strong. Strong sometimes does not include warm and fuzzy. Just the way it is I guess.

Today it was about 15 degrees cooler than the last 2 weeks. Heaven! Not for 1 second was I too warm. And this was with me running around between trading and steam cleaning my carpets. And then breaking down old planter barrels. And I actually got chilly this evening!

I so wish I lived some place where it never got warmer than 72 degrees. Hottest part of the hottest day in the sun – 72 degrees. Is that a place? Can someone point me to it? Adn do they have 8 months of winter? That’d be the best.

Smokey was def happier today! Wanted a longer walk. Ate more food. Was so relaxed.

We have cool weather until Saturday and then it starts warming up again until it gets back into the burning shit 80s by mid-next week.

At least the new A/C operates fabulously. I love fresh air. I love having all of my windows open. But I’ll take cool A/C air over hot air. But it sucks. While not a stupid Climate Change Nazi – the fact is humans did this. Not excluding myself (see A/C usage.)

F humans.