Well, we lost to the Rams. To be honest, I’m truly surprised we made it this far so go team. And in a way, kinda relieved. If we won I would have to decide to either blow the money and go since it’s in LA or host a party. Either option – I am not in the head space for.
And it will be pretty easy to not care about a LA – CIN Superbowl.
Besides, my close friends never come any way. And my local friends/neighbors who come really do not care about football. So it’s just a reason to have a party. Which is perfectly acceptable and fun. But again…not right now.
I spent all day thinking about the game as I worked on projects. I have not sat down since around 9:30am. The entire game – I paced around, did stuff, made dinner.
Now that the game is over, I am finally sitting down and eating dinner. And typing this. And remembering it is Sunday. A day which I now hate for a while.
I have no dog fluff to vacuum.
No paw prints to wash off the floor.
No cookie crumbs to sweep up.
No pigs ears crumbles to wipe up.
No dog towels to wash.
No dog bowls to clean.
No food cans to rinse and recycle.
No boxes to break down from new treat arrivals.
I fn hate it.
Since New Year’s Eve Day 2000, I have had huskies in my life.
I was also married for a chunk of those, worked in an office for a chunk of those and lived closer to my friends.
But since 12/31/00, I have spent about 5.5 months without a husky in my life. Without a husky following me around. Without a husky keeping me on schedule. Without a husky sleeping 5 feet away from me.
It’s January 28, 2022. That is a lot of years/months/days/hours spent with a husky. And very, very, very few without one.
After my divorce I did not feel lonely. After moving to the mountains permanently around the same time and working from home and not in an office with other humans, I never felt lonely. But right now I feel terribly alone.
This time 8 years ago, I was driving around the Sacramento Valley area meeting huskies/mals to consider adopting. My first visit was with a “husky-mix” named Smokey. He was at a foster home in Woodland with several other dogs. We walked in and sat on the sofa with the foster mom and he immediately jumped up on the sofa to sit down too – to be part of the conversation. He was super sweet and while the other dogs were running around and going in and out completely ignoring us – he stayed there calmly with us.
Honestly, I wanted to adopt him right there but told myself go and meet the others who were set up to meet me today. Don’t just jump on the first adoption because he is sweet – they will likely all be sweet and this is an important decision. Went and met 3 other dogs – all super cute and in need of adoption. But I kept thinking about Smokey. We had not eaten all day so decided to grab some food around 5pm. Rodrigo asked me – would I be sad going home without Smokey or without a dog? I said Smokey – without even thinking twice. That was it. Called the head of the rescue org who organized all these meets and told her. We went back to Smokey’s foster home and adopted him. I never, ever doubted it. And smiled every day since then.
Plenty of people have called and left me messages, sent me texts, sent me DMs via all my various social media asking what happened, how was I doing, etc. I have answered very few. But to respond to everyone at once best I can – Smokey was doing great. He got past his liver scare in October, was back to his normal self. His blood work was perfect – the vet was actually shocked how well he was doing at his age (he was a big dog turning 14 or 15 this spring) after such a scare. She called him a super hero and said she tells everyone about him.
We went for a walk just like normal on Saturday AM. He asked for his walk treats just like normal. Was hanging out post-walk just like normal. And then he had a seizure type event. He could not stand, he could not get up. We spent the day at the vet testing and discussing all possibilities and options. Brought him home Saturday evening thinking he’d be more comfortable. And I hoped to see some form of him wanting to get up, go outside onto his deck even to just sit in the snow which he loved more than anything. I stayed up all night watching him and hoping. But he did not. He did not want water, food or his favorite treats. Or to move at all. The vet came over on Sunday afternoon and Smokey left us, while he was in my lap/arms and I told him stories of all the fun he led us on. How many coyotes and bears he scared away from his momma. The snow hikes and adventures he led us on. All the fun we had.
2.5 weeks later and I’m obviously still broken-hearted. Still sad every day. It will take a while because every day for the past 8 years has been Smokey filled. And now it’s not.
I told him every night as I skooshed good night that I loved him, that he was my best friend and that tomorrow we will have more fun. And every day we had more fun.
A lot of people have told me how they looked forward to his pictures every day because he made them smile. While I am very sad, it makes me happy that Smokey was able to bring smiles to people that we know both in real life and through social media. And while I did not want to write anything, or even get on social, he deserved his “birthday” adoption day post.
He was the best.
Watched the new episode of Book of Boba Fett tonight. Best episode so far, by far – because it was all Mando. And Star Wars teases of history.
Kept my mind off of sadness for the entire episode. And laughed.
I love Star Wars.
…that is sarcasm.
Today, the market was cooperating a bit in the morning. Put a few small trades on. Things were going well and I was +50% on all of them (options trades). Thouht I should probably sell but things pointed to the fed nonsense being “priced in” (hysterical). Then JPow started yammering and everything went to shit fast. Proving that this market, under this admin, is a giant shit show and I should just say F it and keep money in long term ideas or cash.
I want to trade because it keeps my brain occupied. But maybe not.
Then I cleared some ice by the generator and in front of the garage. I do a bit a day but still get pretty sad outside so don’t do much. Left the back deck alone.
Then decided to attempt to fix the vacuum. And I did. Fun thing about Dyson is you can remove a lot of the pieces to clean them. I did that and found 1 of Smokey’s bully stick pieces stuck in the hose turn – which it could not fit through so was causing the hose to not work. Removed it and there you go – worked.
Then decided to move all of my stuffed toys on the fireplace mantel and vacuum them and clean the entire mantel. Which then caused me to want to move stuff around. Which then had me climbing a ladder. Which then had me missing the 2nd to last step on the way down…
Which now has me sitting me on the sofa with ice on my knee and a bruise the size of a silver dollar.
I guess I should have just woken up, opened a bottle of bubbly and binge-watched something on tv.
One month ago it was Christmas.
I wish I would have truly known it was my last Christmas with Smokey. I would have fed him any amount of chicken he wanted. And anything else. All the treats.
It was dumping snow. All week – the best Christmas present for him for sure.
But now 1 month later and went out to start shoveling some of his pile from the back deck. But broke down in tears.
In 2 days it will be Smokey’s “birthday” – the anniversary of when I adopted him. Would have been 8 years. We were cheated.
I am heartbroken. And cry every day. And live in a fog.
Yesterday was 2 weeks since I lost Smokey. Feels like it was yesterday but also so long since I saw his smile. I truly hate everything right now.
I feel lost.
Ed visited this weekend. We watched movies and S1 of Yellowstone. And cheered the 49ers game/win. Actually went out to lunch too – first time I have eaten inside a restaurant since Feb 2020. But all I thought of was how fn stupid it was to see people wear masks as they walked in, but then remove them as talked, ate, laughed. And then put them back on to walk out. Such ridiculous theater.
And then all I could think was I’d much rather have to eat outside because Smokey was with us.
But glad Ed was here to keep me talking and thinking about silly stuff.
But I feel lost.
I had to go outside today. Like put on outside pants, get in my car. Had a dental check-up so planned all my known errands for the 1 outing.
Dentist was quick and efficient. Then had to pick up some items that were framed. Going downtown for that was a fn annoying shitshow. Won’t be doing that again any time soon.
Then had to pick up my mail and drop off some stuff I was sending back to Athleta – snow gear that I bought for the season. Then hit Safeway so I can not go again for a couple weeks.
Safeways was crowded. As usual. F tourists.
But after loading my car and starting to pull out I instinctively turned around to say “now we are done, time to go home buddy!” But then remembered. And sobbed the entire way home. That was fun.
Then part-time neighbor, who has not been here in a couple weeks, stopped by to check on me. More crying.
Oh hey – it’s Thursday. I can have wine now, right?
Two neighbors texted me to check in. 1 neighbor asked to bring over dinner for me. 2 people emailed.
Was it welfare check-in day?
I did go outside today. I poured some ice melt over the ice rink that is my entry way and then broke it all apart with my ice breaker. Slightly satisfying. Stayed in my PJs though. I need to put on outside clothes tomorrow for a dentist appointment, so saw no need to do it 2 days in a row.
Put some apples out for the critters. And the last bit of kibble from 1 of Smokey’s many different flavors. A squirrel came up to the window and put his paws up and looked in. Even he was checking in.
