a99kitten's Musings

On the surface, thankful for a lot.

Down deep, thankful for a few friends that are always there and 2 huskies that have gone through a lot but are always there to make me smile.

One year ago today, I was at home watching football. Then I got a call that would forever change my life. My little brother was in a coma, had no brain activity and was not expected to make it, so I needed to get on a plane now. To say I was in shock would be an understatement. I don’t think I had a clear thought for a couple of weeks after that call. Plus at the same time, Storm had just gotten a 2nd tumor removal surgery where they basically removed half of his liver. He was barely just recovering. Really universe?

I went out there. Husband stayed home to take care of Storm at my request. I simply could not stress about Stormy too. It was a rough trip that I made it through kinda sane because of friends and extended family. Friends booked my trip, talked to me, listened to me, flew out there with me. Long distance friends called other local friends who stayed with me while I sat with and said goodbye to my brother.  Friends came to the hospital to be with me and made sure I got out of there when I needed to. My mother in law came down to be with me and went with me to deal with the funeral home paperwork. More friends planned a quiet get-together which acted as a memorial for Jonathan and to help me say goodbye.  They were all friends of mine who I’ve known forever and they knew Jonathan too so we were all pretty shocked.  I truly do not think I could have dealt with that trip without all of them and I hope they all know what they mean to me.

I broke my ankle in April. On April Fools Day. I remember that exactly when I stumbled down the hill that I was thinking to myself that I needed to hike up to Hawk’s Peak and  spread my brother’s ashes. But now a broken ankle kept me away from hiking for a long time. Ironic. Maybe the universe knew I wasn’t quite ready in April.

Not sure I’m ready now. But are you ever really “ready” for this kind of stuff? I think you just suck it up and deal with it. There are still plenty of days I’ll think “Oh, I need to tell Jon that.” It happens in a split second. Kind of like that portion of a second when you wake up from a dream and think it’s real only to realize it’s not. And then I get sad. I miss him. Certain movies, actors, characters in books, songs, whatever still make me think of him. But the intense sadness is getting less. Replaced by melancholy maybe?

But I try and snap out of it quickly by focusing my thoughts elsewhere. You can’t wallow. You can’t always think about it. You need to focus outwards. To other things. Work, hobbies, friends, the best huskies in the world, exercise, favorite TV shows, movies, books, whatever. But continuing to be sad will kill you.

It’s now November 7th. Exactly one year. It snowed this weekend. And it about 19 degrees out.  But with more snow and colder up there I’m sure. But it is sunny. Blue sky day. I always wanted him with me and away from Florida.  I know he would have liked it.

So today seems fitting. But this time, I am going alone. No husband, no friends, not even any huskies. I think I need to say a final goodbye and let him go by myself. Spend a little time at the top of a mountain remembering the fun and good and letting go of the sadness as much as I can.

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Very scary out there boys and girls….

November is here in a couple days. I am not a fan of November. My mom died in November a few years ago. 2 years ago my brother ended up in a coma in November. Last year we had to rush Storm in for emergency surgery to remove a cancerous tumor and I almost lost him in November. And then a week later my brother died.

Pretty much not a fan of November.

I AM going to keep it together. I plan on taking my brother’s ashes up to a mountain top and letting him go next week. I will cry. And be sad. But I will be OK.

Yeah, not a fan of November.

Today started with some stress. Just usual stress, nothing unusual. Storm did want to go on his walk, but didn’t really want to eat breakfast. No big deal except he didn’t really want much dinner either. Although he did eat his previous night’s dinner since I bought him some McDonald’s cheeseburgers. But he can’t really eat those every day!

Pretty much every day I have husky stress. I imagine this is how it is for people with human children. Yikes. It’s back of the head stress. Like you are always worrying, wondering, etc. Not forefront of the brain crying stress. But it’s always there. Stormy has been a trooper. He has gone through so, so much in the last 2 years. It’s truly not fair. But he does it with a smile pretty much every day. And he is doing really well! And I know that every day since his 2nd surgery is a blessing. It’s funny when he goes in for his check-ups – the doctors, nurses and admin staff are all so happy to see him. He is a smile maker :)

But the past couple days he has seemed a bit down. This stresses me out. Even though he has been growing his fur back at a crazy rapid rate! And I know this actually burns tons of calories (when huskies blow/re-grow their coats) so it’s no wonder is seems more tired! And he looks so cute! And happy and healthy! We get stopped on every single walk by people who ask if he is a puppy or (if they see us regularly) who comment on how awesome he looks. What a bud.

So after our walk this AM, I went to the pet store and bought a new dry dog food. He has eaten the same brand for 9 years. It’s one of the kinds they feed the mush teams on the Iditarod. Angelus loves it and Storm always has. But after his tummy issues on his cancer meds, he has been a very finicky eater. Which is so, so weird for Storm. Storm has always been a vacuum. So I make him chicken, steak and cheeseburgers every night. Mixed with his dry food. And I’ve tried different flavors of our brand and then different brands. He nibbles at them a bit but never really eats much of them. But I realized he loves his lamb and rice cookies so figured I would try a simple lamb and rice dry food. of course, there are different variations and brands and do I buy the fancier brand with all holistic (of course only made in the US), etc etc. So I was in the pet store for like 30 minutes debating.

He does eat his treats with excitement so I don’t think he has any tummy issues anymore now that we took him off his chemo. But I need to make sure he gains weight. Which means he needs to eat!

So tonight when I gave him some chicken with his new dry food (Nutro Lamb and Rice) and he ate it – actually started eating his dry nuggets and not just the chicken with melted cheese. And didn’t require to be hand fed! I was so happy :)

It’s weird how settled my own body (and soul…and brain) becomes once I stop stressing for a minute. Stress is a killer. This is for sure. So the huskies and I need to keep each other calm :)

Tonight…I am calmer. The huskies are sound asleep – Angelus is racked out on the deck and Storm on his bed with feet in the air. Pretty sure they are too. He wanted to go on 3 walks today! Plus I think he likes when he gets to hang out at home with his Mom, and it’s sunny out. He very much prefers Mom’s new schedule. Such a funny husky that likes the sun! But no denying he is much happier today.

Who knows how we (Royal We) will feel tomorrow. But we all are happy, calm and stress-free tonight :)

I wasn’t in NYC, DC or Pennsylvania. I didn’t know anyone that died. I know people that were in NYC, and heard their stories. But that’s it.

But I am an American. And proud to be. Every single day.

Even though so many things happen here that disgust me, anger me, annoy me. We are still the best country in the world. If you don’t live here and you disagree with that. OK. Please stay away. No big deal. If you live here and disagree – feel free to leave right now. In fact – get the F out. Please. Now.

I am probably not going to watch many specials, or read a lot of stories. It does still make me sad. And angry. I get way too melancholy. I still remember that day very vividly. I remember the exact moment someone called us (quite early on the West Coast.) Turning on the TV and watching the news. Trying to call people we knew in NYC and not getting through. Walking on the beach with the huskies on a beautiful sunny day thinking what the heck just happened and how will it change the world forever. Our business suffered a big blow on 9/12 and we had to do a huge round of layoffs right then too. So a bad month. While certainly not the same type of tragedy in any way, still one that effected a lot of people around me. Bad time for sure.

But I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like for people that lived through it. I had nightmares for weeks (and still sometimes do) wondering to what extent the world has changed and worrying. And I was pretty far removed from it all. But I do stress about it fairly frequently. Which is why I understand the need for people like Dick Cheney and the role of the CIA and special forces. If you say you don’t, you are being naive, stupid or just lying to yourself.

So all the memorials and TV specials and politicians blathering on will never really make it better for the people who went through this. Or make me or you fully understand it. That’s the nature of trauma and disaster. No one can truly understand what any Nazi war prisoner went through. Or the servicemen and residents at Pearl Harbor.

We can only take the time to salute the heroes, honor the fallen, be thankful you were safe and always pray (to whoever or whatever that may be) for the safety of our military. They fight every day. And every single person living in this country, enjoying its vast freedoms, should do that.

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. Well….Duh. Of course it is.

I have been working more than full-time hours since I was 14. I finished school early and got a job working for a computer company in exchange for training on computers. This was waaaay back in the stone age when computers were kinda newfangled things :) I learned about networking, running cable, how to fix errors and customer service when users would call into the computer room with their many problems. In my opinion, a much better spent youth than prom, etc. But I worked or was learning all the time.

Then at 18 I got an entry-level job at a hedge fund. Ended up working for the Managing General Partner as his assistant, managing his personal life through 2 divorces and handling his personal finances along with learning trading commodities, the backroom mechanics of a trading room, HR/office management and then taking on the portfolio accounting of our various hedge funds. Again, a much better way to grow up than pledging a sorority and keg parties.

Then I helped my then boyfriend, turned fiancee (and then finally husband) co-found an internet start-up. Went through the ups and downs of the dot com boom and bust, made it through, kept the business alive and then it turned profitable and then finally we sold it in 2010 to a large (one of the largest?) Chinese companies. And we have another company now.

When we sold the company, I kept my FT job there. I think some people were surprised but it’s not like we made $20mil or something off the sale. But now, a year later, things are different. Plus during this same year, one of my beloved doggies got very sick and my little brother died. Then throw in my Dad being in a nursing home and a constant form of stress, plus then I broke my ankle which then caused a pinched nerve which has been a boatload amount of pain and suffering, and you have a girl who needs a break.

So a few weeks ago I told our new CEO that I want to go part-time. With the merger, parts of my job were given away to our parent company, and some just vanished over time all together as things were switched over. I still have plenty to do but certainly not like what I had before. And honestly, when you are working for yourself and have a small company where you know everyone and want everyone to be successful and happy, it is a LOT different than working for a big company and just having a job where all of a sudden there are office politics and crap that I have no patience for. I am not meant for the latter. At. All.

So today was my last day as a full-time employee. Hopefully for the rest of my life. I still have plenty of work to do for 2 companies. And I will go into the office 2 days per week. But now I can do some of my work while in my PJs on my sofa. Or after a long hike with the buds. Or whatever. Plus this means more time in Tahoe and I will be quite happy about that. As will the huskies! :) We just closed on a new house last Friday and will have tons of stuff to do for renovations. So I am not completely delusional about too much “free time”. But it will be nice to have a much more flexible schedule. This year has made me realize that I need to relax a bit more. Calm down. Stop stressing about things that simply are not worse the stress. Ferris Bueller was right. I have just not had this as an adult and I want to give it a try.

So today when I locked my office, loaded the huskies in the car and pulled away from the parking lot it was really, really weird. Can’t really explain the feeling. Sad. But happy. Melancholy. But content. I guess just weird.

But change is good.

Took the buds to the beach this AM for their weekend off-leash fun time at Mavericks.  When I go to Mavericks, I never park in the Maverick’s parking lot because the cars park SO close together and people always have surfboards, fishing gear, kayaks, etc and I have seen enough people smack their stuff into the cars next to them that I stay far away from that lot. Even when I had my old Jeep.

So I always park in a different lot that most people never used. It’s a small side street with a small dirt lot. But then someone put in a poo bag station and trash cans so more people started parking there. Then the kayakers started parking there when the Kayak Club down the street gets too crowded. But I go early enough that is never, ever too full and everyone that parks there always leaves plenty of room in between each other. Safe from door dings and other stuff. Yeah…

Huskies and I were walking back to the car after a fun beach adventure and I hear this loud CRASH. I instantly had this thought “Someone just crashed into my car.” But then I thought that’s silly, why would I think that. And the buds met 2 more dogs to play with for a few minutes and then Angelus went into the water to cool off and then we started back to the parking lot. I see a kayaker setting up his kayak RIGHT behind my car. Sigh. You need to move pal, need to get the huskies in the back. He looks up as I am walking towards him/my car and asks “Oh, is this your car?” Yep I reply. He then says “I’m so sorry.” Umm…that can’t be good. He then says he left all of his insurance info on my window and then points to my passenger side rear panel. I go around and see the huge dent and cracked paint now in my wonderfully pretty car. “DUDE” I say. (Yes…I did say that.) He instantly starts apologizing profusely.

Grrr

I went to get the info he left on my window and make sure I have everything. I take a picture of his drivers license and plate number. And the giant gash. My first, instant internal reaction was of highly annoyed pissed-off-ness. If you aren’t strong enough to control your giant kayak, don’t park next to other cars. Come on. He was a little tiny asian guy. Pretty sure the kayak outweighed him significantly. Grrr.

But it was obviously an accident. And he obviously felt bad. Yelling at him wasn’t going to undent my car. So I took his info and said “It was an accident.” He said your car looks really nice and new. Yeah…it did. Double-grrr. But at the same time, I am grateful he was an honest person. He could have easily taken off after it happened since I wasn’t around. There was no one else in the parking lot. So there is that.

I called my insurance when I got home and have an appointment with the adjuster on Tuesday. They said Geico (his insurer) might not cover it since it wasn’t part of his car that did the damage. In which case, they have to go through his homeowners insurance. And if he doesn’t have that, they go after him. Yeesh. Hopefully it all gets sorted out and fixed quickly before I have a chance to get annoyed about it again.  Although, since he has Geico insurance, and I own Berkshire Hathaway stock, isn’t that like I am taking the money away from me a shareholder and giving it back to me as a claimant? Hmm….

Read a tweet by someone at CNBC that Steve Jobs was likely the only CEO that “Joe Six Pack” knew by name. The tweet even said “Warren Buffett? Isn’t that the guy with the margaritas?” Seriously? Is the general public so completely uninformed? I have a hard time believing that but maybe I shouldn’t. I’m not saying everyone needs to know the name of the CEO’s of every Fortune 500 company. But come on people. Read. Something besides US magazine.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. At election time, people have so many opinions about how they have been wronged and how they want things changed but I bet half those same people don’t know who their own representative is. Or the voting record of their favorite candidates. Or where they stand on most issues. They might just know their standing on 1 issue in particular. I am pretty sure this is how most people vote. And probably explains a lot about why our system is so completely broken.

But good thing a lot people know all about Snooki’s one night stands. And the minute by minute life choices of the Kardashian family.

I need my own island.

My old boss called me this AM. Actually he left me a VM, left VMs on my husband’s cell, sent me an email and sent me a Facebook message. Hmm. This can’t be good. I have been out with the dogs on the beach all morning so just saw/heard them all. I called him back and he starts off by saying he was OK, and his father (who is like 1000 now…OK, actually 90) but then he started sounding choked up. Uh-oh. Turns out his brother was on a bike ride in Sun Valley and had a heart attack and didn’t make it. Yikes.

The brothers were pretty darn close. Of course that’s why when they argued at work sometimes it turned into a book or stapler throwing kinda thing. Made for an interesting work environment :) They didn’t argue like that much though. Usually just slammed down phone receivers and slammed doors and then everything blew over in like 20 minutes and they were cracking jokes again. Family…But I’m glad I worked in that environment. It toughened me up. Pretty much nothing surprises me, shocks me or offends me. I hear people make workplace complaints now about the STUPIDEST things and it makes me wonder how they exist in the world. Wimps. They certainly wouldn’t have made it 1 week working for these guys.

He said it happened on Friday afternoon and on Friday night and Saturday he was in a bit of a daze so apologized for not calling me until today. Apologize? I said don’t be silly. He said “Well, you’ve been part of the family for a long time, so I didn’t want you hearing about it elsewhere first.” This is the same guy who helped me when my brother died last November. He really is the sweetest guy, without being a wimp, I have ever met. And has basically been a 2nd father to me since I was 18.

He started sounding a little choked again so I asked “was he yelling at someone when this happened?” (we have an odd sense of humor.) He laughed and said “No – that’s the worst part. What a dick. And now I can’t yell at him for dying.” I responded “Right? What a dick thing to do?” We both laughed and started telling me a couple recent stories about his brothers. His other brother is taking this much worse as he was in Sun Valley with him when it happened and they were extremely close (like talk on the phone 10-20 times a day close.) I asked him how his father was taking it. He said it pretty rough. Kids aren’t supposed to die before their parents. I said “well man he is like 200 years old now – I think he is throwing down the gauntlet to mr. death.” He laughed and agreed. Their other brother is staying with him. Knowing how he was with his kids, I’m mostly worried about him and how it will effect his health – both mental and physical.

Then we started talking about stocks. He just did a deal with a very big money guy in NYC. It’s someone he’s done business with in the past years ago and they recently got back in touch. They have been mostly shorting a bunch of stocks so doing pretty well. I told him to let me know when he’s doing big blocks of trades so I could ride along :) Kidding! But he did give me a short and a long idea that I will investigate.

We chatted about his fund & the market for awhile and then Tahoe. I told him he had to bring his wife and son and come up Tahoe and visit soon. He said he would like that. And then I told him to stay busy – it really helped me. He said he was heading back into the office in a bit and would definitely stay busy. He commented that he and I really have had a crappy year with family and death so far. I told him yeah – the universe needs to knock it off. And I told it so. He laughed and said he was glad we chatted and said again “Man, I am so pissed I can’t tell him what a dick he is.” I laughed and agreed. He said he just found out yesterday that his brother had high blood pressure. He couldn’t believe it never came up. I said he probably didn’t want to worry anyone and figured all the healthy eating and exercise would counteract it. And also he was a dick for not telling you. He laughed. We do have a bit of a strange sense of humor. Why I think we get along so well.

I’m sad for him. And I hope that I was able to help him today, even if just a little, like he helped me when my brother died. But I know he will be OK. He commented that people were dropping like flies. He said let’s stay in real touch (calls vs quick emails) more often and not just when people die and not wait until that day I’ll get that phone call about him and he laughed. I laughed back and said “No. That is not allowed to happen.” But it really isn’t….