One year ago today, I was at home watching football. Then I got a call that would forever change my life. My little brother was in a coma, had no brain activity and was not expected to make it, so I needed to get on a plane now. To say I was in shock would be an understatement. I don’t think I had a clear thought for a couple of weeks after that call. Plus at the same time, Storm had just gotten a 2nd tumor removal surgery where they basically removed half of his liver. He was barely just recovering. Really universe?
I went out there. Husband stayed home to take care of Storm at my request. I simply could not stress about Stormy too. It was a rough trip that I made it through kinda sane because of friends and extended family. Friends booked my trip, talked to me, listened to me, flew out there with me. Long distance friends called other local friends who stayed with me while I sat with and said goodbye to my brother. Friends came to the hospital to be with me and made sure I got out of there when I needed to. My mother in law came down to be with me and went with me to deal with the funeral home paperwork. More friends planned a quiet get-together which acted as a memorial for Jonathan and to help me say goodbye. They were all friends of mine who I’ve known forever and they knew Jonathan too so we were all pretty shocked. I truly do not think I could have dealt with that trip without all of them and I hope they all know what they mean to me.
I broke my ankle in April. On April Fools Day. I remember that exactly when I stumbled down the hill that I was thinking to myself that I needed to hike up to Hawk’s Peak and spread my brother’s ashes. But now a broken ankle kept me away from hiking for a long time. Ironic. Maybe the universe knew I wasn’t quite ready in April.
Not sure I’m ready now. But are you ever really “ready” for this kind of stuff? I think you just suck it up and deal with it. There are still plenty of days I’ll think “Oh, I need to tell Jon that.” It happens in a split second. Kind of like that portion of a second when you wake up from a dream and think it’s real only to realize it’s not. And then I get sad. I miss him. Certain movies, actors, characters in books, songs, whatever still make me think of him. But the intense sadness is getting less. Replaced by melancholy maybe?
But I try and snap out of it quickly by focusing my thoughts elsewhere. You can’t wallow. You can’t always think about it. You need to focus outwards. To other things. Work, hobbies, friends, the best huskies in the world, exercise, favorite TV shows, movies, books, whatever. But continuing to be sad will kill you.
It’s now November 7th. Exactly one year. It snowed this weekend. And it about 19 degrees out. But with more snow and colder up there I’m sure. But it is sunny. Blue sky day. I always wanted him with me and away from Florida. I know he would have liked it.
So today seems fitting. But this time, I am going alone. No husband, no friends, not even any huskies. I think I need to say a final goodbye and let him go by myself. Spend a little time at the top of a mountain remembering the fun and good and letting go of the sadness as much as I can.
