a99kitten's Musings

I blog about a WHOLE LOT of stuff :)

On most days, I can recall a thing that my dad taught me, or reminds me of my dad. All pleasant/good memories. But for some reason, on Father’s Day, I remember all of the things that have kept me from having a close relationship with my dad.

In reality, my family was not “close”. My little brother and I were close. But that was it. And he is dead. I have zero memories of a close and loving family. We never went on family vacations until later in life when I planned/paid for vacations with my mom and brother. Our holidays seemed generally stressful or barely register in my memory at all.

What my parents taught me was independence, self-reliance, doing your own thing, be a responsible and good human, no one owes you anything, etc. Excellent things that have served me well in life. But definitely nothing emo. Nothing warm and fuzzy.

My dad cheated on my mom numerous times. Causing strife on a regular basis for me as a child.

My dad left my mom when my very late in life surprise brother was less than a year old.

My dad showing up whenever (usually holidays) to try and make up for that but failing miserably so arguments ensued.

And the entire situation with my mom getting sick, my dad coming back to try and deal (leaving his long time girlfriend which probably ruined his life at that point), lying to me repeatedly regarding borrowing money (which affected my life), and not treating/raising my brother correctly and spiraling into his alcoholism. Which put him where he is now.

I called him today. He sounded fine. But not really. This makes me sad. It breaks my heart really. I hung up. Cried a little. Went outside and did yard work. But I have to remind myself of all the mistakes he made in his life. I am not responsible for any of them. I tried to help when I could and even when I couldn’t.

The lessons my dad taught me were to make sure I was strong. Strong sometimes does not include warm and fuzzy. Just the way it is I guess.

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