a99kitten's Musings

Still not doing so well. Trying to stay busy, not give myself too much quiet time to think about loss. Stare at stocks, crypto, trade Star Wars cards, put away Christmas stuff (which always makes me sad anyway).

Still haven’t been able to put away any dog stuff. But seeing it every day makes me sad too. No win situation.

Helen is still here and that has made things a lot easier. Probably saved my sanity. I’m not alone here. But I know when she leaves, and I wake up in an empty house, or go out and come back to an empty house, or look around and see no one, I will hit a wall.

It took about 6 months for me to look at Angelus’ pictures and not cry. And I still had Stormy with me. After losing Storm, I’d watch Shadow frequently. And went down to the bay area regularly. But I do remember the sadness of coming home to an empty house.

Now? I’m not sure what I’ll do. The market is garbage so pretty tough to keep my mind focused on that. I do have a ton of chores and projects I want done, and that will help I guess, but that won’t fix having no buddy to hug goodnight. Or having a wet nose wake me up every AM. Or having a constant presence in my life who always wanted to know where I was, or take me on long walks or just come over to make sure I was OK.

Just alone now.

I had a feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that 2022 would suck. Even worse than 2021. It’s kind of why I was not too excited for Christmas. Because then it was the end of the year. And 9 days in, I was right.

I am heartbroken right now. Truly feeling lost. I appreciate all of the kind words about how people loved Smokey but it makes me cry non-stop so I need a bit of time before responding to anything on social media or texts. A couple of neighbors came by to offer condolences – Smokey was well known and loved here. And that was very hard. People want to know what happened – he was always so active, healthy, full of life. And now he is gone.

Smokey has been doing fantastic. Unbelievable really. He had a liver scare back in October and the vet was honestly concerned he would not recover at his age.  Not only did he recover – all of his blood values went back to completely normal ranges which they said was actually a miracle (and probably would not happen) for a dog his age and where they were. He truly was a wonder. 

On Saturday, we went for our AM walk like normal, ate our walk treats like normal – he was visibly 100% fine. Then about an hour after we got home, he collapsed into the snow on the deck.  I got him inside and laid him on his bed – he was sitting up and panting heavily (likely stress) but could not and did not want to move.  This was not Smokey behavior. Then he laid down and was shaking/twitching.  I got him to the vet – got a neighbor to help me carry him to the car which is also not Smokey-allowed behavior.  Also, he gets car sick – which is why I always let him ride in the backseat so he had the windows – and I think the ride there with him laying in the back made him nauseous – he tried to sit up but could not move his legs well enough to get them in the position to sit up and was crying. I also get motion sick so I understand this feeling.

At the vet they ran all of his bloodwork – which came back perfect (which they were also amazed at from his liver scare). No fever. His eye reactions were fine (not old dog syndrome which he had before), but his leg reactions were not – his right front did not react and he did not care when the doctor handled his feet and toes (this was very much not Smokey behavior – he hated his feet touched, especially by anyone but me.) We gave him some anti-nausea meds to see if that feeling was making things seem worse. And fluids.  

To know Smokey – anytime we went to the vet – his first mission was to get the heck out of there.  And he was just lying there, not even trying to get up. This worried them and me. They love him there, and know his desire to get the heck out. He peed himself which he has never, ever done.  Even when he was sick from this liver stuff, or when he hurt his paw years ago, he did not care – he had to potty – he was going outside.  He loved outside.

The vet said that without an MRI or more advanced imaging (not available locally), there was no way to tell for sure but all symptoms and behavior pointed to a stroke/brain clot or possibly brain tumor. Either would need drives down to Davis (Smokey hated long drives or being in the car long) for the advanced facility and he was stressed anytime I was not with him. I asked if after getting any diagnosis like that, would there be any type of quality of life solution to this. I was not getting him brain surgery at his age nor would I start him on chemo at his age. Both vets at the clinic said no. Other than home care such as making sure he was fed via syringe, trying to get him to walk for potty or managing pee pads, etc.

So I took him home in the hopes he would feel more comfortable at home, and maybe after a full night sleep, he would show me signs of trying to get up, move around, some fight, Anything that gave me hope that he could be happy. Because he had now gone 8 hours without showing any interest in even moving. 

Smokey’s true joy in life was being outside (with me). And hiking in the snow (with me). And sleeping the snow when we had it on the deck (as long as he could see me).  I left my deck door open for him to go in/out all the time – even during blizzards because if I ever closed the door – he instantly wanted to go out there.

I slept on the couch and watched him all night.  He never once even tried to move, I hoped he would try to get up in an attempt to go out to his snow on the deck. He did not.  He didn’t even move his position. When I’d pet him, he’d open his eyes but that’s it.  He peed on his bed while laying down a couple more times and when I would move his lower body/back legs to change out towels and pee pads, he didn’t even care. I didn’t know if it meant he couldn’t move them at all, or just didn’t want to.  Either way – I knew it was not good. 

He didn’t want string cheese (a favorite treat) or even water. 

Then on Sunday AM, he started shaking uncontrollably. He tried moving his front paws a little to maneuver himself in a new position but really couldn’t and was in clear distress. I helped him to try and get his upper body into a more sitting position and he just collapsed in my lap where I held him. Smokey was not a lap dog.  He had only crawled into my lap 1 time and that was after his dog sitter lost him and he was lost in the woods for 3 days and I found him. So him crawling into my lap and arms showed me how bad he was feeling. At this point it was more than 24 hours with him not moving on his own, or showing any interest in moving, eating, drinking or anything. 

He had to pee again (I think this is why tried to move) and his shaking/shivering slowed a little but never stopped. I had to face the fact that this was not a recoverable situation. There was not a magic pill, or procedure that would allow him to run in the snow again. or even move himself to go outside and sit in his snow & enjoy the fresh air and some kind of life. If he had showed me any signs of sitting up, eating or drinking anything, or any interest in anything, I would moved the world for him. But I would not allow him to suffer like this.  We made an agreement when he got sick with his liver stuff (for 2 days he was very sick) that I would do anything for him, but if he needed to go, he should not worry about me. And to let me know. And I asked the universe a long time ago to never let him suffer or be sick for a long time. If it was his time, he should be allowed to be having a great life until the very last minute. No long sicknesses, no long-term pain. 

The vet came over and Smokey went in my arms with me reminding him of all the times he had fun in the snow, chased bears away from him momma, played with his friends and had his favorite treats.

I am heartbroken. Smokey was literally the reason I woke up every morning. He came in and woke me up every single day to tell me it was time to get up (crack of dawn.) Our AM hike was our favorite part of the day.  I am currently feeling lost. I planned everything in my life around him and our routine. My friends and neighbors knew inviting me to anything, meant inviting him. And they all loved him. Smokey was loved by so many. But none more than me. I am thankful for having him in my life. But I am currently feeling very lost. And sad.

I am glad to know he was so loved. The best ambassador for dogs, wolves, creatures of any kind. I hope he knew how much I loved him.  I told him many times every day. Showed him by any walks he wanted in whatever weather there was.  If he wanted to go – we went.  And if he wanted to sit outside in the blizzard – have at it. 

I never ever wanted to make this decision again in my life, but I felt allowing him to just lay there, not really knowing the extent of his suffering as he could not tell me, but could show me he was not normal Smokey, not happy or feeling well and was miserable, was not fair to him. It would only be allowing me to not make that decision which would break my heart.  And if he declined further and faster throughout the day or the next day that was not fair to him. 

I know he lived a long life for a big dog.  I was hoping we’d make it to 16+.  He was either turning 14 or 15 this spring based on the paperwork I had from his rescue. I know he had a full life.  I’m glad more of it was with me and here than whatever he went through before he was in the rescue where I adopted him from. I hope I made him forget all of that.

In so many of my pictures of him, he is smiling and I hope he truly was that happy. I think he was.
It hurts me (and angry at the universe) thinking he was perfectly fine on our walk and then an hour later our lives were made worse forever. And I wish I could go back to that walk and let him have all the extra treats. But then I think, maybe that was the universe doing what I asked – no long suffering or sickness. I don’t know. 

But I do know that my days will not be filled with his smiles. He was always there. Next to me. And now he is not. My life feels very, very alone right now.

Another round of sub-q fluids and a fresh blood panel today. Vet called and said liver values are improving. Not perfect – but at 14 – probably won’t be. She was very happy with the results. Improved vastly from 1 week ago when he was so sick. This makes me happy. It does.

But I no longer get that sense of pure relief from a good vet call. Because I know at this point in his life, a good day is a good day. And that’s all we can expect.

To be clear – he is actually doing great. His appetite is back, he always wants to drag me all over the Tahoe National Forest, he looks fantastic. But I know his liver values will only improve so much. Same with his kidneys. His heart – the vet said his heart was strong. Yes it is. But you cannot turn back time.

No more vet visits for the week. She said next week for a re-check. This is good. This week will be about cold AM walks. And no off-routine bs.

This past week has been HOT. Grossly hot for us. I would be angry, upset and miserable IF I once again chose not to get A/C installed after the previous summer of a little bit more heat than the last. But I did not. I was finally smart.

Smokey has traditionally always hung out/slept outside on the deck after dinner when it is even slightly warm. Because it’s cooler outside once the sun moves off the deck. But when it’s 95 during the day, and “cools off” to 80 – whatever. Gross.

But I have been running the A/C and he is lounging inside. Happy. Cool. Comfortable. He has been eating much more and normally. This makes me very happy. Every summer for the last 5-6 years, he eats way less in the summer because he is so warm and uncomfortable.

I dumped the hot tub so as not to use the electricity for no good reason. Channel that power to the A/C and keep me and my boy comfy and happy.

I’ve also been sleeping well which is an added bonus. lol

Home project I’ve wanted done for like…8 years is done today! Shades in my “Half Moon” windows at the front of the house. There are a few hours of every day for a few months out of the year when the sun BURNS into the house and now I will BLOCK IT OUT! So happy.

But this meant the installers were here for about 90 minutes = guys, ladders, drilling. Smokey was NOT happy. He stayed next to me and kept an eye on them. They were 2 very polite young men and loved both Star Wars and dogs so I think he figured out it was OK. LoL. But even though he didn’t try to eat anyone, the stress of these types of things takes a toll. And he he gets older, I think it’s a bigger toll.

I took him out fir a walk as soon as they left to go see his friends and we saw 3 of them and he liked that. But he still followed me around the house until I finally took a shower and sat down. He’s such a goof. But he is who he is. That will not change. That old dogs, new tricks thing. It’s a real thing. He’s now having a nice treat while I have a glass of bubbly – bottle was opened from over the weekend – not letting that go to waste!

I wish he didn’t stress so much. After days with serious changes in routine, he needs a night of me just sitting here with him. So I will catch up on Bad Batch, watch crypto go up and down…and up and down…and let him settle back into his calm state.

I always loved Easter as a kid. Not just because of candy – I loved the colors, Easter egg hunts, the bunny, family meals together with a little less stress than Christmas I guess? Scalloped potatoes and deviled eggs. Mmmm. Also, probably where my love of pastels came from lol.

Did not grow up with Easter as a religious holiday. I do recall Easter at my grandparents, church in the AM, egg hunt in their yard and a lot of food! But the religious part was not a part of my life really. But respect for those that do. And have a supreme annoyance for people that curse on or around Easter. Like…I want to throat punch you.

This year Easter was odd though. Didn’t do anything with anyone. Sent Easter baskets out because who doesn’t love Easter baskets? I guess they were enjoyed but didn’t back on Easter. No Easter greetings from anyone except my neighbors. Thank goodness for good neighbors.

Was nice to have a 3-day weekend though. Considering I am “retired” from work, you’d think I’d have 7-day weekends but I trade daily so I like to stress myself out…clearly. But this was a nice brain break. Did a TON of spring cleaning. Although not as much as I wanted (as my TODO list would attest) since Smokey would just follow me around and I wanted him to relax. But did get a lot done.

But I tried to do most in/around the first floor so Smokey would not follow me too much. He wants to do these long walks – which makes me happy. But then I think he gets very tired. Or hot. Likely both. Plus he has not eaten for 2 days. He has eaten his treats – just not his regular food. I know it has warmed up all of a sudden this week from a high of low 40s to 60s. And his body does not regulate heat well (me either pal.) I have this this same stress for the past few years at this same time. But as he gets older, I stress more. Sadly, our winter is done. It’s supposed to a be a touch cooler this week – in the low 50s instead of 60s. But seriously FU MOTHER NATURE. There are already fires in So Cal. In April. FUCK YOU. FUK U. FU. I will curse you. This is BS.

Anyway, I made him 3 chicken breasts tonight thinking he’d eat a little but he gobbled them all up! ALL of it. OK. That made me happy. So we will see tomorrow if he wants more fresh chicken, or his fresh food or what.

Tomorrow starts a new week. And really month and quarter. I might start trading a lot less to spend with Smokey and diddle around with my house projects. We will see.

Did another 2+ hour walk this AM with Smokey. We go as far as we used to but now a bit slower so more time outside. But I think that is totally OK as he loves being outside. As long as we are not hot. As the sun rises earlier, we will get out earlier but the sun bakes us both.

I dd a lot of work today so was sitting on computer for a chunk of time – like a normal Friday vs a “holiday”. But every time I get up to do chores, etc Smokey gets up too so his naps get interrupted.

Took him to the beach around 3pm for his afternoon walk since it’s too warm this week for neighborhood walks. I hate spring and summer. Hate.

He had fun. We met some other buddies, sniffed lots of stuff, peed on lots of stuff (well..he did lol.) But you could tell he was tired. I cut it shorter than usual. Since we’ve been home he ate 1 treat, but not his normal evening treat “routine”and he ignored his dinner. He does this when hot and/or tired. Completely normal. But I also know he is getting older by the day. He did act this exact same way last year, and the year before, when we switched from winter to spring weather – he just gets hot fast. I do too so I understand. But he can’t take off his winter coat.

He’s sleeping now. Snoring actually :) Senior dogs need more sleep. But they also need their walks, their routine, less stress and things to stimulate them mentally. I think we do a good job on all of those. But I cannot stop checking on him every few minutes to make sure he is all A-OK.

It’s not fair they don’t live longer.

Yesterday was “National Puppy Day” which is really just a reason to post cute pics of puppies on social media. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

I found one of my favorites of Angelus and Storm and posted it. Along with Smokey and Shadow pics. Sucks that I do not have puppy pics of them. I’m sure both of them were truly adorable. Shadow was probably like a baby velociraptor. lol. Smokey – a baby direwolf.

This AM on our walk, Smokey was walking along and all of a sudden his back legs started kind of walking sideways. I stopped him and we just rested a minute. We started walking again and it happened again. I could see the stress in his eyes of not knowing what was happening. We rested again. Then we saw his nemesis in the neighborhood – great. Cannot show weakness around that fucker or his human. Smokey got really low and hackled as we went by – more so than usual. We hate those guys. We went by and I praised him and gave him treats.

But then he was fine. I made him walk slow. Stop and sniff everything. Lots of treats. But thankfully no other “episodes”. The rest of the day, he was fine. I watched him like a hawk. He ate his breakfast. His treats. We went on a nice afternoon beach walk. Ate his dinner, his treats, etc. All fine and normal.

Could be his “old dog syndrome” returned for minute. I know he is getting older by the day – sadly even older faster than us humans. But he ate fine, drank his water, had good poops, was happy to see new pals on the beach, sniffed lots of stuff, and buried 1 of dinner treats in the deck snow. Now he is sleeping.

I can only hope he stays healthy. And happy. For as long as nature allows.

It’s been 1 year since I adopted Smokey. He has 2 different birthdays (Feb and March) on his old vet records so we don’t know when his actual birthday is or his age (2 different years). So this means I am using his adoption date as his birthday and I decided on his age (6) :)

On January 27th 2014, my ex and I went to look at 4 dogs, all available through NorSled (where we adopted Shadow.) I brought them with me so we could see how Shadow interacted with the dogs. He was going to have to be friends with him (or her) so best to have him help interview too!

Smokey was the first dog we met as he was in the Woodland area and the rest were in the bay area. So we met him on the way down. When I walked in and met him and hung out with him for a short time, I instantly loved him. He was not black & white, like all of the others I was going to see that day and he was not as fluffy as Angelus and Storm or Shadow and we had no idea of his mix beyond husky and/or malamute mix. But he was the sweetest guy ever. I left there to go look at the others to make sure I wasn’t just taking the 1st dog I met since losing Stormy in August but I knew I loved him.

Met 3 other fantastic dogs who were all gorgeous, lovable, sweet and needed homes but Smokey stayed in my mind. So after all day of driving and meeting dogs and foster moms and dads (and frankly I think Shadow was getting stressed thinking he was being dropped off somewhere!), we decided to stop and eat for the 1st time that day. Buffalo Wild Wings. Mmmmm.

I sat there thinking how would I feel if I drove home and didn’t get Smokey – and I felt immediately sad. So we called the foster mom and told her we were coming back to see him again – this time letting Shadow have more time with him. We took Smokey and Shadow for a walk along with the foster mom – who I think was sad to lose Smokey (she was originally going to keep him but that didn’t work out for non-Smokey reasons).

That was it – I decided then to do it. Signed all of the paperwork, wrote a check and loaded him in the car. Had Shadow in the backseat and Smokey in the back back. I think Shadow was starting to wonder what the heck. But he did get along best with Smokey as well. I think he was most happy I didn’t get the girl husky as she was half his size but kept kicking his butt as female huskies are likely to do!

Got home around 11pm. Smokey was pretty stressed – obviously. New house after stranger took him away from his mom of 11 months. We woke up 3 or 4 times during the night. I was worried he had to go potty, but I think he just wanted to walk back to his old house.

It took a few days for him to calm down a little and settle into a routine but I’m good at routines :) Angelus and Storm trained me. He still gets stressed when his routine changes. But he has settled into a pretty darn calm and happy guy :) And honestly, he has been a dream. How anyone could have not wanted to keep him (and hurt and abandon him) is beyond me. He had gone through several homes and all this proves to me is that people generally suck and most probably have no business being responsible for a pet rock. But I’m a wee bit cynical.

After losing Angelus and then Storm, I was pretty sad for a time there. Now, I am happy literally every day. And I hope he feels the same way. I’m pretty sure he does. :)

Happy Birthday Smokey Dokey :)

His daily adventures can be followed at http://packdog.com/smokeydokey

And anyone can donate to NorSled. These people work endlessly to find northern breeds homes from bad (and sometimes VERY bad) situations and need every penny: http://www.norsled.org/how-to-help/

One year ago, 8/2/13, I lost my buddy Stormy. Stormn. Stormn Norman. Hoth Stormtrooper.

I still miss him every day. I still think about him every day. He was my little guy with the biggest heart. He could be a little punk, but loved people. And loved attention. And loved his momma. And people loved him. He brought joy to a lot more than just me. And I know that.

But I do still miss him (and his brother) every single day. And some days are sad. But I cannot help but smile every time I look at his little face :)