a99kitten’s Musings

I blog about a WHOLE LOT of stuff :)

One of my neighbor’s dogs passed away this morning. He was rushed to the ER in Reno Wednesday night and it turns out he had the same issue that Angelus died from. An “aggressive tumor” on his spleen that ruptured and bled out. The dog loses so much blood into their abdomen and too quickly to replenish. They gave him a blood transfusion and after he stabilized yesterday, they removed his spleen. But he was still critical. I just learned of it last night as they have been at the vet this whole time until they came home for some rest last night.

With Angelus, he had just had his annual physical, was 100% healthy and acting the crazy husky he always was. There was 1 instance of him waking up in the middle of the night with a yelp. It was about 2 weeks before he died. I woke up, looked for any injuries and he was fine. But he seemed off. Not terribly – but off. I took him to the vet and we thought maybe he tweaked his leg in the middle of the night or something because they couldn’t find a single thing wrong with him. I wonder if the tumor had a small tear then.

Later, my vet acknowledged that it could have been that. But 2 weeks for it to fully rupture with him acting normal would be pretty long so unlikely. But I will always wonder. And that I should have delved more into it. But I was in the middle of an office move and was so busy and tired – I figured he was fine. Like he always was. I will never forgive myself for that. Or anything else associated with that stupid office move.

But my vet (who knew Angelus since 8 weeks) said statistically, the dog would have more tumors. And if they make it through the spleen removal, then you have other decisions to make. And if Angelus would have been sick, confined to bed rest after surgeries or chemo or just plain not doing well – he would have hated that. I know that.

With Tucker, the dog next door, he was much younger than Angelus. And I feel so bad for his parents. They have a bit of a situation like I did – Angelus was the healthy 1 and Stormy was the one with health issues we were always worried about. They have an older dog who I know they have been worried about. So the shock that comes with this is what hurts even more.

I remember when they brought him home, after losing their oldest Golden. He was a good friend to Angelus and Storm but he has been an even better one to Smokey. Tucker and his older brother Jameis were Smokey’s first friends after I brought him home. He met them out in the back forest and instantly took to them. He *always* ran up to them as soon as he saw them. He could smell when they were abut to come outside if we were already out and would pull towards their door. Tucker, being a Golden, was a food hound. And he always ran to me first because he knew I had the cookies. But he was a sweet boy who was always just a giant wagging tail.

And the weird thing is the past 2 days Smokey has been pulling towards their house and whining even though they weren’t outside. It’s like he could sense something was wrong. I really never doubt animal senses anymore. They know a lot more than humans in some ways.

Rose Kennedy (NOT my favorite family but she certainly experienced loss) said something that in my opinion is 100% fact…

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

I know they are very sad today. I remember feeling numb. And sick. And there is simply nothing anyone can say to make you feel better in any way. Time is the only thing that helps. We lose our furry friends way too quickly.

Between our beloved fur-kids that die young, species being hunted to extinction and kids with cancer or other life-ending diseases but then pedophiles, rapists, terrorists and murders walking around hurting/killing others and people like Charles Manson STILL breathing on the government tit, what other proof do you need that life is simply not set up to be fair. Ever.

I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning. Very unusual for me.

Felt blah all day even though I got a boatload of work done. And wasn’t even hungry – also very unusual for me.

Then I realized the date. The 25th. I actually spent the day thinking it was 24th until I looked at my calendar. Ah.

I left for a 2.5 hour walk. I had to go to the post office so did that and then continued on to the coastal trail up to the HMB State beach and then back home. That was one of Angelus’ favorite walks because we could hit up the beach a couple times, lots of stuff to sniff, got to see (and bark at) the horses at the horse farm and best of all – no hills!

I lost him on March 25th. 7 months ago today. I still miss more than words can describe.

I tried looking through pictures of Angelus tonight and I still can’t. Not without crying. I miss him so much. His husky smile. And the smiles he brought me every day.

I try not to talk to people about it as people don’t want to deal with upset or sadness that isn’t their own. I understand this. Completely. Me = not emo. So I try and stay busy and make myself stay out of my head. But sometimes it’s just hard. I think it’s hardest when I’m tired. And ever since I lost him I just don’t sleep very well. The first week I took NyQuil every night to knock me out. Me = completely anti-drug. That’s healthy. So after 6 nights I said, that’s enough. Suck it up.  Got back on my B12. And a glass of wine in the evening some nights. But I still wake up many, many times during the night. So by evening time, I am simply tired. And then get sometimes get very sad.

People say you get over it. Things get better. Get a new dog. I actually don’t believe any of that. Maybe I’ll cry less. But when people’s kids die, do they just move on? Do they just have another kid to get over it? No.

Mother’s Day is Sunday. I lost my own mom a few years back. Lost my little brother in November 2010 who I was kind of a Mom too after we lost ours. And now Angelus. I don’t have human children. Angelus and Storm were/are my kids. And they got/get more love and attention from me than a lot of people’s human children. I’m a pretty darn good mom (unlike that pathetic psycho loser on the Time mag cover. Gah.)

I’m not sure how you get over this loss. Maybe you just get used to it. But you don’t get over it. You just don’t. I am not a Kennedy fan (fascinating family to read about however) but Rose Kennedy said:

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, (protecting its sanity), covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But, it is never gone.”

She would know.

No truer words.